I miss the Northeast

I know it sounds crazy but I hate LA’s weather. I guess you can take the girl out of the unpredictable weather but you can’t take the unpredictable weather out of the girl. Whenever I see snow or coldness on TV I get really jealous!

And you know what else I miss? Old things. Everything in LA is basically brand new. Even the older buildings are not as old as they are in the Northeast. I miss being close to DC and Massachusetts and Pennsylvania and New York. I feel like holidays are cozier there.

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Hooray!

We have taken the hobo costume off of Monster. We have snatched the “Will Work For Cat Food” sign out of Elvira’s paws. We told Edith to stop working on her Ponzi scheme. We didn’t have to do anything to the cardboard box we gave Chucky to practice living in because he ate the entire thing. I guess that was always going to be a bump in the road if you’re going to live in a cardboard box with a bunny.

We have done these things because we are back on track! Well we are back on track with our apartment everything else is still dramatic. Some family members stepped in to help us out and we are now going to be able to avoid a helluva lot of drama. This is a route we did NOT want to have to go. It humbles us to know that we have people around us who are willing to go out on a limb for us like that. We WILL pay you back and we WILL dedicate our first EGOTs to you (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony natch). Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts. :* )

We are still going to move though. We need to find a less expensive place whether or not I find a job. I mean this apartment isn’t astronomical (by LA standards) but still we think we can find something similar for a bit less if we put in some good old elbow grease. Even if I do get a job soon, we will have a lot of bills to pay down and could use the extra money we’d have by paying less rent. This way we won’t have to move to a terrifying neighborhood, our landlady is happy and we can take our time to make an informed decision. Again, I am ashamed that we even had to accept the help on the first place. This is NOT where we wanted to be right now. We honestly thought things would be on track by now and here we are worse off than when we got here. IDK. Sometimes you have to take the hand that is offered to you though. And that is always uncomfortable for us because we like to do things on our own. This year has been a HUGE lesson, especially lately.

I think though that when all is said and done and we’re back on our feet, we’re going to be in a better position than we were. Unfortunately we lost a bunch of friends this week over this mess. When the chips were down, we found out what we meant to some people. In most cases, that meant that we were warmed by people’s cheerleading and love. In other cases, we found out that the friends we thought we had weren’t as good as we thought. As sad as that is, especially when we’re already so down, it’s for the best. Not to be cliche-ish (but I’m gonna be so please bear with me and you already know what shit I’m gonna say) but some people come into your life for a reason or a season. I don’t think these people are bad people at ALL. I just think their definition of our friendship varied from ours. That doesn’t necessarily make either of us wrong, it just makes us different. And fundamentally, their definition is not what we need right now. I hope in the future that we can see each other and be cool but at this point, too many hurtful things have happened for us to be okay with just carrying on like nothing happened.

BUT we have lots of people around us who care about us and we can’t focus time on anything negative right now if we’re going to get ourselves out of this self-created hole that is our California Dream.

Also, I think I’ve already thanked you guys for holding on tight when I was bucking this roller coaster with vitriol. But THANK YOU again. I think I’m done now. I feel loads better since the rent and friends thing have been resolved. Now we just have to get the job thing resolved. Also a couple of other positive developments have put a feather in my cap that I really needed. Hopefully we can all just be happy. Still, please continue to shoot good vibes into outer space for us (or pray or what have you). We still need as many hopes and prayers as possible if we’re going to get this righted.

Hope

Regardless of what happens, I have Kristyn, my animals, my family, my friends, a good sense of humor and the ability to bounce back from bad situations. I’ve experienced a lot of professional, domestic and personal setbacks lately exacerbated by the thoughtlessness of others. But, all of this is my fault. My total fault. No one told me to move out here and follow this dream. I didn’t even know how hard it was going to be. I am really sad right now because I can’t even discuss what’s really going on in my life on here, my own blog, because certain people see it as an affront to find out that I am not willing to let shit go that hurts me. People they know could be reading this and that is what’s important. Not that I have an outlet for all of this stuff, just that they don’t have to feel bad. I don’t know whether it’s worse that they’re mad at me for expressing my disappointment or that I’m allowing myself to be muzzled like this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We are alone out here and trying our best. LA can be a really cold place sometimes. All we want is what everybody else has (and we used to have). We want a place to live with no drama. We want food, electricity, heat, hot water, to be able to watch tv or go online. We want to be able to buy new clothes when we need them. We want to be able to order a pizza when we’re tired and hungry. We want to go to the movies or just go OUT sometimes. We want to have dignified jobs where we are paid a decent salary. We don’t want anyone to worry about us or see us as failures/losers. We just want to have even a scaled back version of what we had before. No frills. No European vacations. Just basics. And we’re trying SO HARD. I’m at a loss.

And it’s like despite all of this hard work and effort, we are coming up short every month. No matter how far we scale back, it’s never enough. We’re not living high on the hog out here. We are living paycheck to paycheck and not even that. We are struggling to pay all of our bills and they’re just racking up and racking up and racking up. I don’t know what to do. I am ineligible for public aid because I resigned from my position and haven’t accrued enough paid hours out here to receive any kind of benefits.

There are other things we can do that we aren’t thrilled to have to do like selling our stuff. I mean you can say, “It’s just stuff” until you’re blue in the face but it’s different when it’s your stuff. We got rid of probably 3/4 of our stuff when we came out here and we’re basically at brass tacks. The only possessions we own are largely momentos, things we’re currently actively using and some worthless odds and ends.

I don’t know. I mean it’s not all bad. We’ve still got our lights on. There’s still gas on the stove. This is the first time we can’t pay our rent though and it’s causing a great big drama because our landlady is mad at us for other things. We can’t seem to make her understand that we would never do anything to hurt her, her apartment or even ourselves. And naturally she’s scared because how is she going to pay her bills if she can’t get her tenants to pay ours? It feels like we’ve just run out of road. I mean we knew we were getting stretched pretty thin but the promise of not one but actually THREE jobs made us start daydreaming that everything was going to be alright. Everything was looking so good and bright for once that we were imagining what would happen if I was offered two of the positions. It was a beacon when we needed it most and it all slipped away just as suddenly as it came. None of it was real. It was like bellyflopping onto concrete.

And there are a lot of other things going on that aren’t ideal and just adding to our alread enormous stress load. And we aren’t people who talk about such things.

A) We don’t want anyone to worry.
B) We like to fix stuff on our own.
C) We didn’t want to put any pressure on our loved ones to have to step in. It’s not their job to save us.

So again, I don’t know. I am sorry for being such a bummer lately but you know what? I am usually the “can do” person. Strong people don’t ever get much sympathy or help and I am learning that lesson again from some people in my life. Others are surprising me by helping whereever they can by providing us with our legal options or job search advice or just virtual hugs or by responding to my cries for help and support. At this moment in time, I need someone to lean on. Of course I always have Kristyn to lean on but I don’t want to put my suffering on her when she’s already going through so much. There’s only so much we can help each other right now because we’re both in the same state of total panic. How can we make each other feel better if we’re both in a state of confusion?

Whatever. At the end of the day, this is my personal blog. Anyone who visits here is getting a look at the inside of my brain. If you don’t like what you see, click off. If you are offended by what you see, that honestly says more about you than it does me because how can you kick someone when they’re down and hold their own feelings against them? Also if you read what I’m writing and all you get out of it is a reason to be personally affronted but don’t see that I am suffering, I don’t honestly get you and I guess you weren’t ever my friend to start. Not such a big loss in my book. This is not a corporate blog. This is not a subsidized blog. This is not a blog that is widely read (although since my downfall started happening I’ve gotten a lot more hits whether because people are curious, feel bad, are looking to feel offended, are gawking or want to see some kind of joy in my unhappiness).

I’m kind of resigned to an ugly couple of weeks upcoming. We have to move and I have to kind of kick my job search into over-over-over drive. We are going to have to start coming up with little ways to brighten our spirits if we’re going to get it all done. I am definitely taking a break from social networking there have been things going on there that have hurt our feelings and its best to just nullify the whole thing. I privatized this blog for last night and today but I do need to keep writing. It’s something I can do with my hands, it’s a simple pleasure that doesn’t cost me a thing and it’s a way of getting rid of some of this burden for myself. I’ve unhooked my blog from all social networking sites. If anyone wants to really read this, they’re going to have to go an extra step to get it. And if you take that step and still are offended, you need a hobby. Just forget me and that I ever existed.

Things will get better. They just have to.

I am ANGRY

I hate to be a hater but I am PISSED.  Here is a list of the reasons why:

* I have been full of optimism for the past few years about this entire endeavor. I’ve been optimistic enough for ten people. Even when I’m NOT feeling optimistic, I have managed to find a way to SUMMON the optimism and then believe it. At this point, I am scraping the bottom of this barrel.

* Losing this job opportunity doesn’t make all of this a failure, it just kind of coincides with things starting to get seriously hairy. If I had gotten this job, it would have been at remarkably awesome timing when we need it the most. BUT that clearly didn’t happen so whatever. Oh, AND not only did they never call me back but send me a form letter, they sent me the same form letter in the mail today. Thanks.

* We are starting to get seriously disillusioned by some people in our lives. Mostly everyone we care about has been supportive of us. Some people have been skeptical. Some people have been great. Some people have proven they really don’t care. And that’s hurtful. I am not a person who likes to ask for anything from anybody, not time, not money, not support, not stuff, not anything. And most of the time, I don’t get it. And that’s okay with me because I don’t want to owe anyone anything. I want to be a person who handles her own shit ALWAYS. But there comes a time when you have to look around at the people in your life and think about whether they care about you or are just passing the time with you. I tend to care about people HARD. If you are in my life, I love you and that’s it. So it’s disheartening to realize that you barely make the list for them. And it doesn’t necessarily make anyone a bad person at ALL. It just means that I need to be careful to surround myself with people who DO actually feel like they say they do not just in words but in actions as well.

* That being said, we ARE surrounded by people who love us. There ARE people who ask us if we’re okay. That take our feelings into consideration. That worry about whether or not we’re keeping our heads above water. So to me, I CAN make a decision to distance myself from anyone who doesn’t fit that bill.

And guys, I am a patient person. I try to turn the other cheek. I try to forgive (but not forget). I try to take people as they are. It’s really about me managing my expectations of what to and not to expect from people. At 31 I should be able to say, “Well this person has proven time and time again that their only priority is number one. Why bother to make this person a priority then?” But it’s something I have always struggled with and probably always will.

And I don’t want to fight with anyone. In the bruised up condition I am in, I will definitely say some things I can’t take back but definitely mean (as is always the case). Some things just don’t need to be said, I’ve learned.

And WHY am I putting this kind of personal crap online? WHY am I telling the great void rather than the people directly? Well I guess I just want to clearly illustrate what it is to follow a dream. Some people only want to know you when you’re down. When you’re up, they get mad at you for “bragging”. Some people don’t want to know you when you’re down because you’re “a drag”. They only want to know you when you’re up. And then there are the truly heaven-sent people who are there in the trenches with you when things are rough and patting you on the back when things are up. I try to be this person as much as I can. I’m sure I fall short to some people.

BUT WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW IS SUPPORT. I just can’t be a cheerleader right now. And I can’t seem to summon up anything but cynicism or hatefulness because I am just too at the brink for that.

We are poor. We can’t buy anything. We can’t spend one single frivolous dollar without seeing an immediate and dramatic domino effect. It is STRESSFUL. Most of the time we can get by and say to ourselves, “This is temporary. This is what sacrifice feels like. Something better is coming.” But lately we’re just both full of disgust. Disgust with ourselves. Disgust with the economy. Disgust with cowardly recruiters who can’t bother to call you back. Disgust with the heartlessness of some people.

And I talked to my sister yesterday and she said (as carefully as possible so as not to upset me haha), “Well Coleen, you are living a pretty interesting life. For someone that is not, they don’t see the sacrifice, just that you have something they don’t.” And I get that. I felt like that a year ago. And I don’t look down on anyone who is happy in their station. To me though, stagnation is worse than death. I had a great-paying job last year at a great company but it didn’t matter because I felt dead. I could go into Target and blow $200 because I was BORED but felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Now if you gave me $200 and told me to go to Target, I probably wouldn’t even spend that. I’d worry about every dollar and the different ways I could stretch it. It’s no way to live. But what I said back to her is, “I DON’T CARE. UNACCEPTABLE. It’s not my job to see everyone else’s position 24 hours a day. My stance is that I want those around me to be there for the good and the bad. If I can only talk about one or the other with you, you’re not a friend. Period.” And that is the way that I honestly feel. And it’s NOT all about me. I’m just saying that it’s important to have standards in your life. I am a pretty easy going person with most things. But having standards in my relationships is a constant thing I fail at. It’s just my Achilles Heel. But at this point, I need support. I need REAL FRIENDS. I have no friends out here besides Kristyn. I have no one to talk to besides the cats. So I find it hard to understand how people can say they’re “jealous” and then blow me off because I saw a celebrity. That is the ONE pleasurable thing that happened to me ALL WEEK. I didn’t get to have dinner with my friends. I didn’t get to buy a shirt. I didn’t get to go to the movies. I didn’t get to hug my Mom. So don’t blow me off and tell me that you’re jealous and that I’m lucky. I’m NOT lucky. It’s just hard work. Calling it luck is sort of insulting. And also that kind of makes you a somewhat of a fairweather friend. I am just NOT looking for that at this point in my life.

And I do apologize (sort of) for the vitriol. It’s just been a long time coming and a mark of how bottom of the barrel I’m feeling right now. Since I’m a “doer”, when I am down, I get ANGRY rather than sad. I can’t just be “sad”. That’s too passive. You need fire and passion to change your situation. I feel like being “sad” is akin to waiting around for someone else to fix your problems. I’d rather be “angry”. “Angry” gets things done. “Angry” moves you forward and into “Happy” or at least “Satisfied”. Almost every positive thing in my life has directly come from me getting “Angry”. And pleasepleaseplease don’t lecture me on how negative anger is or I will find a way to slap you (Pacifism aside). I am an adult and I do have a cool life and I got it by DOING shit. So I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway. I truly hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings. And don’t confront me about this unless you actually want a confrontation. I don’t. I just want you to pull it together. I need you now. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Well fuck Coleen” then we probably weren’t friends and I guarantee you won’t be missed. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Man I had no idea, I hope she is okay” then you’re a friend and believe me, it’s likely I already knew that.

It Gets Better

As you might already know, there have been five gay teenagers who have committed suicide in the last three weeks. The most prominently reported is below:

CNN

As you know, I am bisexual. As I’ve discussed before, it was incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with this fact. I dealt with a lot of childish bullying at the time. A lot of people who, up until that point, had been my friends suddenly had a different view of me. They’ll say it was my attitude or that I somehow misrepresented myself or that I hurt their feelings in some way. I’m sure in some cases, those statements would be true. But I will also say that a lot of the bullying came from immaturity. It came from being scared of something you don’t know anything about. It came from people trying to make sense of something they don’t have experience with. It also, I’m sure, came from the sophomoric impulse to take someone else down a peg. (By the way, many people don’t grow out of this impulse.) I don’t have any ill will towards any of these people at all, we were all still learning.

Those were, however, some of the darkest days of my life. Any kid has a number of stressors on them: job, school, family, friends, identity. I had all of those problems and then some. But those problems don’t take a backseat when you are struggling with your sexuality. They are just as front and center as anyone else’s problems are combined with a crushing feeling of loneliness. If you have no one to talk to or to support you, I can see how that loneliness and “otherness” could translate into suicidal thoughts.

I’ve never seriously considered suicide. I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted everything to stop. I catch myself mumbling about wanting to kill myself all day long but that’s honestly my dramatic nature. If I were ever to have committed suicide though, it would surely have been during those days. I hope I never know that kind of low again in my life.

The only reason I have never considered suicide as an option is because a good friend of mine committed suicide when I was a teenager. She had good reason to be depressed but even then it struck me how almost silly it was. Here was a vivacious girl, life of the party, all the boys wanted to date her, all of the girls wanted to be her best friend. Least likely person to do such a thing if you didn’t know what she was up against in other areas of her life. And I didn’t know. Not until recently did I find out the actual circumstances of her life and subsequent death. Only recently have I been able to make peace with this loss.

So that makes me kind of lucky in a weird way. I’m not lucky to have lost my friend but to have learned the lesson. I’d give ten years or more off of my own life to give her hers back. I love her so much and it was devastating at the time to find out that she felt like there was nothing left for her in this world. She was fifteen.

Some of you also know that I have been intimately acquainted with two other suicides. Six years ago, me, Kristyn, my sister and her friend rented an apartment together. We were there for a month and just unpacked when Labor Day came around. We went out to a bar on Friday night and had some people over afterwards. In the morning, we were woken up to find paramedics, police and detectives all over the place. Our landlord had attempted to kill himself with carbon monoxide in the garage and then succeeded by slitting his wrists. He had a last minute change of heart but it was too late. He was 45.*

In 2008, we got a call from Kristyn’s Dad (who was our landlord at the time), to rush home. The tenant above us had not showed up to work and wasn’t answering the phone or his door. His family were afraid he’d hurt himself. They called the police and Kristyn gave them the spare key we had (in case anyone got locked out). He was found hanging by his belt. He was 32.*

I tell you these horrible stories because I am forced to think about them all the time. How senseless and unnecessary. How much hurt and confusion spreads from an event like that. Hurts everyone it touches. And I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have to endure to make that decision. This is going to sound like a put-on but whenever it is a particularly nice day or something incredible happens, I think about how much they’re missing out on and how I’ll never do that to myself. If nothing else, their deaths have made me realize how precious my own is. And THAT is what drives me to want a better life for myself and the people around me.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that it gets so much better if you give life a chance. During my darkest days I could never have imagined my life as it is now. We are struggling right now with money but every day I still feel so lucky. I’m lucky to wake up. I’m lucky for my health, Kristyn, for being in LA (a lifelong dream come true), for my cats, my family, that I have good friends, that I have food, that I have shelter, that I have more cameras than exciting events to take pictures of, of being able to work in the entertainment industry with such consistently good people (another huge dream realized), that I have the ability to laugh at myself, that I know how to enjoy my life…the list goes on and on and on. He point is: It got SO much better.

Dan Savage is an out advice and sex columnist who, with his boyfriend Terry, decided to start something called the “It Gets Better Project”. The idea is for adults to make videos for teens about the bullying they’d endured, either because they are gay or considered different. The project is aimed at gay teens but can really be for anyone who has ever been bullied for any reason. They tell their stories of bullying, how it made them feel at the time and how/when their lives improved. Take a couple of minutes and watch their video, it’s sweet, funny and intelligent.

[YouTube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IcVyvg2Qlo&feature=youtube_gdata_player]

Also, Ellen DeGeneres made a video about the suicides that should also be watched because she knows firsthand what it is to be bullied for your sexual orientation:

[YouTube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B-hVWQnjjM&feature=youtube_gdata_player]

As I have stated in the past, I believe that sexuality is like a ruler. You have straight people on one end, gay on the other and all the measurements in between. There are only two small ends to a ruler and a TON of middle. This means that most everyone’s sexuality falls somewhere in between those two extremes, whether or not you acknowledge it (or have the opportunity to *wink*). I know for a fact that many people (straight AND gay) struggle with this idea because people like to put comfortable labels on things. The point is that people have come to me with questions about my sexuality or their own, either out of curiosity or bc they’re struggling. If any of you reading this have anything you want to talk about, PLEASE email me at buberellasblog@gmail.com (or at my regular email address or FB if you have it). Even contact me anonymously if you want to. Whether the questions are about me or about you (or a “friend”), I swear to God I will never repeat what you said to anyone and I will never, ever, ever judge you. As long as your questions about me don’t violate anyone else’s privacy, you will get a straight answer from me. I know how hard this can be. Just don’t EVER feel like suicide is an option. It will ALWAYS get better.

And with regards to “what other people think”, I have a few opinions and I’ll bullet point them:

* It is not an LGBTQ person’s duty to inform you of their LGBTQ status just as it is not your duty to inform them of your douchebag status (to clarify straight doesn’t = douchebag, douchebag = douchebag). If an LGBTQ person doesn’t tell you, they have their own reasons like anything in life.

* Many LGBTQ people are not out at work (like me typically). Again, everyone has their own reasons. In my case, I’ve seen Kristyn get discriminated at her last two jobs in NJ bc of it.

* Bigotry is alive and well. Read any of the articles about the teen suicides and you’ll see people defending the bullies in the comments section. (Which, in a way, is also appropriate bc these bullies are just kids too. I think of boneheaded things I’ve said and done as a kid and cringe. People grow up but these kids will do it in jail and one won’t grow up at all. Something needs to be done. They need to be appropriately punished for their hand in this kids’ death and we need stiffer penalties for online and in-person bullying.) Someone just commented on my sister’s FB page that they’re against hate crime legislation because it’s not fair that those crimes are treated more seriously than other crimes. Yes. He permanently wrote those words on the Internet. Idiot.

* I’ve personally heard people talking about how disgusting “faggots” and “dykes” are. They don’t know how ignorant they sound or how hurtful those words are.

So yeah. If you are worried about what other people think, just remember that there are a lot of asshats and idiots in the world who just don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t assume they know better (like I did). Just last week, a girl I was working with thoughtlessly said the word “faggot” in front of me and a gay guy. Later on that girl said to me, “Do you think that gay guy heard me say faggot?” I said, “No I don’t think he did.” But I did.

But also the point is that, just like everything else, people don’t know something until they know it. Practice as much tolerance as you want back. Don’t tolerate bullying but realize that everyone knows a gay person but some people don’t realize it. I like letting people meet me and know me for me before telling people that I’m gay. This way, even if someone is intolerant/scared, they now have a gay friend without realizing they’d made one. And people are much less scared by what they know and therefore much more understanding.

Also, family and friends come around. Everyone has intolerant people in their lives. You know what? That’s their own business. Don’t even discuss it with them then! Why start an argument over something you can’t change? Let them come to terms with their own lack of knowledge. Live your life well and let them do their own processing. People will tell you that it’s unfair of you to not “confess” but really, everyone just wants the latest scoop on a slow day. They’ll talk whether you do or not. Let them and do you. Don’t let anyone else fit you into their box.

And I do apologize for the heavy-handedness of this post. No. Actually, nevermind I don’t.

If you or someone you know is struggling with your sexuality and/or considering suicide, talk to your friends and family (or me, even if you do it anonymously!). If you are uncomfortable doing that, please go to:

The Trevor Project

They have useful info online as well as hotlines that you can call for help or just to talk.

It gets better. How do I know?

Ten years of experience.

* For anyone who read about the above-listed suicides when they actually happened, you will probably remember me varying between anger at the person and joking about it. I have an inherited Gallow’s Humor from my RN Mom and am quick to make a joke in a crazy situation like this. My whole family is like this. It’s laugh or cry right? That doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad for them or in general. Suicide is powerful and kind of settles on everyone in it’s periphery. It was and is sad and I wanted to clarify that for anyone who got the impression that I don’t take those events seriously. I have more to say on this subject but it’s bedtime, g’night!

2004

Oh so I forgot that in 2003, we also took a road trip to Boston and Salem.  I’ll put it here because that 2003 post is waaay too long.

Around my birthday/Halloween, we wanted to have a party but my sister’s friend would not allow it under any circumstances.  I know right?  Who’re you?  (Things had begun devolving at an alarming pace.)  So we decided to take a trip to Boston and Salem.  We’d already all been to Boston before but none of us had ever gone to Salem.  So we spent a couple of days tooling around Boston and having a generally great time.  I remember having a Guinness in an Irish pub and I think the barkeep either made a heart or a shamrock in the foam.  I know it’s supposed to be a shamrock but for some reason I’m thinking “heart”.  Whatever.

We took a little drive up to Salem and went to every single museum and or exhibit about Tituba that exists.  I have pictures of this jaunt somewhere but not on me so whatever.  It was so cute up there!  We loved it!  There was a brewery called Beer Works that we were dying to have dinner at.  They had the most awesome blueberry beer that they put a zillion actual blueberries in!  We had our meal and it was delish and then me and Amanda ordered this Apple Crumble Ice Cream Parfait that we’d been eyeing on the menu.  It came to us and we were like so excited we high-fived and even jumped up and bounced chests.  We were screaming with delight when Amanda gagged.  Alarmed, we asked what was wrong.  Amanda hacked something onto her shaking paw.  It was  brown lump of meat gristle.  Apparently the “Apple Crumble Station” is a wee bit to close to the “Meat we don’t want station” and forces collided to create Beer Works’ first Apple Crumble Ice Cream Gristle Parfait. (At least I hope it was their first.) They were hella nice about it and I think took some duckets off our bill.  Thanks Beer Works for the laugh and the monies!

Natch when we came home, our house was in shambles due to the PARTY that our roommate had thrown while we were away.  B*tch.

But THAT was okay because in 2004, we started the year off with a trip to Philly and DC for Kristyn’s birthday.  This would be the start of an annual pilgrimage we’d make to DC for one reason or another every year on Kristyn’s birthday which is January 22nd (Coming up!  She accepts presents large and small!).  First we stopped off in Philly.  We did some shopping on South Street (so awesome), had some Cheesesteaks (I know, I never learn) and visited the Mutter Museum.

Philly in the bitter cold.

While shopping, we wandered into this awesome store filled with all Mexican Day of the Dead and Friday Kahlo-inspired art. It was around this time that me and Kristyn were just getting obsessed with Frida so our eyes were agog. We couldn’t afford to buy anything so we just gawked and I’ve never been back since. (Damn you Coleen!)

The Philly Cheesesteak-having was another experience in and of itself. After narrowing down our (plentiful) options, we decided picked a popular-looking place. The line was out the door and onto the street.

We finally got inside and were faced with a Cheesesteak line that was so militarized that it was akin to Soup Nazi territory. You were not given a second’s time to think about what it is you wanted or to look at a menu. You were expected to have considered it on the way or while waiting on line. As this was our first experience, we were totally caught off guard. If you missed the small window that you were to give a response by a fraction of a second, they moved onto the guy behind you and you missed out. It was that intense. But if I were stading over a steaming two foot high PILE of burning meat, I might have a temper too.

They say, “ROLL!” and if you don’t select a bread, they give you whatever they want and you like it. They say, “CHEESE!” and if you don’t say yes or no, they don’t give you any. They say “ONIONS AND PEPPERS!” and if you hesitate, you get dry meat on a dry roll. After many apologies (on our parts) and rolled eyes (on their parts), our trays were literally SHOVED at us and we were sent away. Looking around, there was no where at ALL to sit. An worker goes, “GO UPSTAIRS!” So we walked down this weird like storage hallways with our trays and are met with a stairwell. Uncertain, we climb the stairs and walk in on total pandemonium. It’s a tiny room and it is filled to capacity. There literally no seats or surfaces available and to the right there are a bunch of aggrivated people standing with their trays. Their food is sitting untouched and steaming on their plates. We notice quickly that it is every man for himself up in this bitch. When you see someone lift their asscheek to fart, it is up to you to pre-emptively run up behind them and loom over them willing them to get the hell up already so you can sit down and eat a hot meal. We finally got seats (not all together) and were forced to eat with a quickness. People were literally standing over us sighing heavily and shifting their weight as we rapidly fed meats and cheeses into our mouth holes. Overwhelmed and full, we staggered out of the restaurant, actually GLAD to be in 20 degree whipping winds.

We were really into the L Word at this point so, one night, we went to this bar that was supposed to be showing the premiere. Walking from our hotel in China Town, we meet his guy. He is scary. I am polite to him because we don’t want to get knifed. His nose is running profusely and he asks for a light. Amanda gives him her lighter and tells him to go ahead and keep it. He tells us that we shouldn’t be out walking in this neighborhood because it’s not safe. When I ask why he tells me that there are all kinds of drug dealers and junkies in the area. I asked him how he knew and he said, “Why do you think I’m here?” and leaves. But ya know what? He actually walked us to the bar to make sure we got there safely because after he left us, he crossed the street and walked back the way we’d just came…Nice junkie.

On this trip, we also paid a visit to the Mutter Museum. In case you don’t know what that is, it is a museum about how modern medicine came into being starting with the Lewis and Clark Expedition and ending with a bunch of mangled skeletons and a decayed woman. It was so gross, so weird and so interesting. It’s an absolute must see if you are ever in Philly. Even if you’re squeamish, go check this out. The reason they have weird stuff there is because they show how the study of medical oddities actually advances modern medicine because it outlines “normalities” vs. “abnormalities”. So interesting.

But then it was time to go to DC. We’d never been to DC before and it was a huge shock. I mean it is one thing to see the White House and the Lincoln Memorial on TV or in a picture and it is another thing entirely to see them in person. It was almost dizzying. We were dumbfounded, almost like starstruck. Being there, you really are hyper aware of how grateful we really ought to be to live in this country. At least I was. I’d never given it much thought. But the monuments, the memorials and the buildings remind you that that this country is not just running on steam. It’s running on the hard work of people who are fighting for human rights all over the globe. It really IS the center of the universe there or at least it feels like it. IDK, I am a dissenter with the best of’m but to me, I can’t get enough of visiting DC and I’m never not impressed whenever I go. One of the things I miss about home is being able to visit there whenever I want. Ah well.

Anyway, if it was cold in Philly, it was MIND-WARPINGLY frigid in DC. On the day that we visited the monuments, it was so cold that we were almost crying. We couldn’t hail a cab to get back home for the life of us and we were stuck down by the Lincoln Memorial and Vietnam War Memorial. It was President’s Day weekend as well and I just think that either cabs weren’t running as frequently or everyone had’m booked. We eventually got in one though thank GAWD.

We also visited the Smithsonian. I absolutely insisted on visiting the National Museum of American History because I NEEDED to see Archie and Edith’s chairs. We also had some delicious Pakoras in a food court there.

Me, Kristyn, Smithsonian

We also fell in love with Abe Lincoln on this trip. I think the love affair started at the Memorial and intensified the further into the trip we got. We visited Ford’s Theater and that pretty much solidified it. I mean they had so MUCH interesting memoribilia…They had the suit he’d been wearing when he was shot…a bloody pillow he laid his head on…a gun that was exactly like the one that shot him…pictures, letters, factoids, everything. SO interesting. And across the street, there is another, lesser-known museum. It is the house where Lincoln actually died. After he was shot, he was carried out of the theater and a person living across the street told them to bring him inside. They lay him on a bed and nine hours later he died. You actually get to go into the room where Abe Lincoln died. It was sobering as hell. Amanda couldn’t take it and literally FLED the house. We had to run after her hahaha…

Me, Kristyn and our boyfriend Honest Abe

Another awesome place we went to while we were there was the Black Cat. We just went to check it out and have a coupla drinks but who the hell did we find? David Cross. At the time, we didn’t watch Arrested Development and only knew him from Mr. Show and Scary Movie 2. We were all (especially Kristyn and Amanda) obsessed with Scary Movie 2 and swarmed in on him. Kristyn and Amanda kept muttering stuff about a “strong hand” to him because that was their favorite part (even though that had nothing to do with him). He was very nice but kind of nonplussed to be being fawned over right now because he was just chilling with a coupla friends. But at the time we were obnoxious and invasive and insisted on a picture, *sigh*. Idiots. Still, awesome picture.

Me, Amanda, David Cross, Kristyn, Some Guy

The rest of this year was sort of a festive, violent blur. We went to Aldo’s a lot and to the Loop Lounge a lot. I got heavily into painting old furniture and recovering old chairs (to extremely varied results). A bitter war erupted that lasted the rest of our tenure in this apartment and it was pure undiluted hell living there, omg.

When we were moving out, we locked Mitten up in my sister and other roommate’s room because they’d already moved out and it was the only room that was empty while we moved our furniture out. We just didn’t want the cat to get out. While we were at our new place unloading stuff, my cat must have taken a dump. My roommate’s boyfriend decided to take the cat shit out of the litter box and put it all into a bag of clothes we’d left behind. We didn’t notice anything weird for a long time because that was a bag of clothes we were donating. Don’t worry, sweet revenge happens.

In the middle of all of this, we actually had tickets to go see Bjork play at Coney Island. We are huge Bjork fans and had never seen her live before. It was an open-air concert at a ball field. The beach was right behind the stage. The concert was amazing and finished with fireworks that were timed to the music. It was incredible.

Me, Kristyn, Bjork (somewhere in the far, far distance)

Me, Kristyn, Amanda, Voldemort

Me, Kristyn, Amanda, You-Know-Who

We moved into our next apartment that was pretty much a total dump. BUT it was in our price range and across the street from Kristyn’s parents. Kristyn’s father insisted we take the apartment and loaned us the security deposit (thank you!). It was a tiny, one bedroom cute little apartment in a two story walk-up apartment building. Everything in it was old as hell though and the landlords, though seemingly nice, were stingy as hell with fixing anything. Any time the shower broke, the landlord would come upstairs and regale us with irrelevant stories for hours (much like I’m doing to you right now). Then at one point he’d accuse us of taking up his time, slip off to the bathroom, shut the door behind him and come out five minutes later telling us that the shower was broken, nothing he can do about it now, see you later. Later, it’d be fixed but we’d find that he put a device in the shower to lower the water pressure drastically since they paid heat and hot water. Also, that winter was BITTERLY cold because since they paid for heat and hot water, they wouldn’t provide us with any. Sweet people.

That fall, George W. Bush was elected to a second term in the White House. John Kerry, a promising candidate, royally f’d up his run and let the Swift Boat Veterans concoct a bullshit story tearing town his Purple Heart in Vietnam. I mean seriously? I was working at a Printing Company in Lyndhurst and scoured the Newspapers daily waiting for his rebuttal that never came. When GWB was re-elected, me and Kristyn were filled with a fury that could have set the entire White House ablaze (again).

Also during this time, was when we got sweet revenge on our roommate’s boyfriend. We’d gone to a bar in Newark and were feeling rowdy as hell. On our way out of the bar, some guys started calling me and Amanda fat in Spanish. There was a hot dog truck right there and they were all eating hot dogs. Me and Amanda basically told them to screw off but KRISTYN…Hahaha…KRISTYN walks right up to them and goes, “Fat? Who’s fat?” and SLAPS the hot dog right out of one of those dudes hands! Haha…They were just kind of like “OH SN-AP!” and we congratulated ourselves all the way to the diner where we wanted to eat like pigs, haha. So we enter the Lyndhurst Diner and are enjoying our meal when guess who walks through the door…It’s my ex-roommate, her boyfriend and some other people I won’t name to protect the (somewhat) innocent. They sit at a table across the room and straight off the bat, douchebag starts giving us the finger and making faces at us and mouthing cursewords at us. Alright, have it your way.

So what we did was order two large Cokes, no ice before we left. We were seated by the door and they were seated further into the restaurant. Amanda got the car and pulled it up to the door as a getaway car. We walked the long way around so we could approach him from behind. The people on the other side of the table saw us coming but didn’t think much of it since we don’t have beef with those mothers. I don’t remember who did it first but all I remember is seeing my arm through tunnel vision taking that large glass of Coke no ice and pouring that shit right over his head. Seperately we each took our glasses and poured them over his head. It splattered all over our ex-roommate and everyone at the table was stunned. We like flat RAN out to the car before anyone could stop us, jostling into Guidos and Guidettes as we ran. We got threatened a lot but didn’t care. I know that sounds mean but I don’t give a shit. That was the hands-down best revenge either of us has ever gotten in our lives. And you know what? He didn’t do crap about it because he knew he had it coming. This was a guy who, before the cat shit, we’d both really liked. He was a lot of house parties I threw, he was there at that fateful New Year’s Eve 1999-2000. He even cleaned the champagne off the floors, ceiling and walls. I guess, in his fervor to impress my roommate, he’d gotten a little carried away and taken it to a level. Before we poured Cokes no ice over his head, he’d started calling us on a regular basis and leaving voicemails threatening us and calling us dykes. Why? I have no idea. We weren’t doing shit to him or his girlfriend, he just wanted to be a jerk. So this is what happened. Guess who never got a filthy voicemail again? Oh they’re married now too. Bookends.

Anyway, when we were in our other apartment, on the day of the Friends finale (which according to Wikipedia was May 6, 2004), we decided out of the blue to go and buy us a bunny rabbit. We trucked it on over to the pet store and picked out the first “dwarf rabbit” who caught our eyeballs. His name started out as “Stephanie” (because the words “Mr. and Mrs. Stephanockanoodle” sent us into gales of hysterical laughter at the time, don’t ask). When his testicles descended, we realized that Stephanie was a bro but naming him Stephen was out of the question due to a biker we all knew who had the same name. This assmunch had literally 21 shirts that he’d had made that ALL read “Blow Me” on the front and “Then Leave” on the back. It wasn’t our idea that we knew this man and I won’t reveal his identity to protect the (somewhat) innocent. But anyway, it was beyond out of the question, let’s leave it at that.

But our boy rabbit turned out to be the farthest thing away from a “dwarf rabbit” that one can actually be. He was behemoth. But he was a total delight. He was like a little puppy. So full of energy, so happy. So much fun that I whined until we got another one. Big fn mistake. My bad.

Kristyn and Biggie

Knowing that the pet store we bought Biggie at were full of liars, we marched right back there and did the whole thing all over again. Just like last time we were feverishly reassured that this was a girl, this time we were feverishly reassured that we were buying a boy. We named our new little boy “Little” because again, he was a “dwarf rabbit”. (And I WONDER why my mother is forever saying to me, “COLEEN, the definition of insanity is doing the same exact thing over and over again and expecting different results…”) So we bring Little home and he is just such a little charmer. So sweet. So meek. Loves to be held. We fell in love.

Before long, we heard weird squealing noises coming from Little. Suddenly Little did not want to be picked up. Suddenly Little started putting on weight.

It was December 4, 2004 and I will never forget that date so long as I live. It was a Saturday and we’d been out dancing until all hours the night before. I woke up in a haze to go to the bathroom and noticed that something was haywire in the kitchen (where we kept Little). There was white puffs of hair everywhere and upon further inspection, streaks of blood all over the floor. Now fully awake, I became terrified and started trying to find Little. I found her and she was okay, not a scratch on her. Biggie was okay too so what was the problem? I looked to my right and saw a wriggling, hairless organ. BABIES. Little was a SHE and SHE’D had babies…four of them. Oh my god they were DISGUSTING. I have never seen newborn puppies or kittens or bunnies before in my life and to me these looked like little evil hairless aliens or organs. Dry-heaving, I scream and run into the bedroom waking Kristyn up. She runs in and we are stunned.

Kristyn and Little

I guess you can imagine that up until this exact point, we have no idea what we are doing. We haven’t researched what it is to own a rabbit, not really. We know how to feed one but we have no idea how to tell the gender of a rabbit, how to tell if one is pregnant, how to handle babies, gestation cycle, NOTHING. I remember going to Willowbrook Mall that day because I had to absolutely get the hell out of the house. I kept getting all grossed out that those guys were wriggling on my kitchen floor. Thankfully, we looked up The House Rabbit Society and found a ton of information. We needed to get a box and cut a hole out of the side of it leaving a like four inch wall so Little can get out but the babies can’t. We had to gather up all of the fur she’d shed and put it in the box. We learned that when rabbits are about to give birth, they rip out their own hair with their teeth to make a bed for their babies so it was important to put it in the box and make a nest. We learned that we WERE allowed to touch them and she wouldn’t shun them afterward. We had to put them in the box and literally bury them in the fur so they can stay warm like an incubator. We also learned that rabbits will not go near their babies during daylight hours to minimize threats from predators. You won’t see them approach the babies or feed them because in the wild, if the mother does approach the babies, a predator could be watching and she could inadvertantly lead him straight to them. Instead, the mother waits until dawn and stands over the babies who suckle from her.

Christmas that year was adorable. They grew fast and sprouted fur quickly. They followed each other like a row of ducklings all over the house. I distinctly remember them marching in a line out of the kitchen and into the living room in front of the tree. It was a lot of fun. And then they grew up, more on that mess later.

Below is a picture of me and Mitten. We’d brought Mitten to Florida and she actually ended up staying there when we came home to NJ. We didn’t have a place for her to live here so Karen continued to watch her while we got on our feet. Karen and her boyfriend came to visit during the brief four month period that we lived in that one purple-bedroomed apartment and brought Mitten back with her. Mitten was PIIIIIIIISSED at me…Man of La Mancha. She was happy to see me but full of hatred too. Like I could see it in her eyes that the following emotions were warring in her person: Oh thank God it’s you…AND…BITCH you done left me in Florida for most of a year and I hate you for it!

But she got over it eventually and moved with us to the haunted house and then onto our new apartment full of rabbits. Mitten had always been a standoffish cat that was better suited to go about her own bidness. She’d always loved me though and we were like Siamese twins. I’d gotten her when I was in the second grade and we’d grown up together.

She’d recently gotten a wound that wouldn’t heal and her abdomen kept swelling up for some reason. I took her to the doctor and found out she had intestinal cancer. She was eighteen years old at this point. I was told that so long as she was eating and happy to let her live out the rest of her life in peace. Give her all of her favorite things and let her sleep in all of her favorite places. Test her health based on the things she stops responding to. As you cross the things off the list, you know her time is coming to a close. So that’s what I did.

She was actually very happy and content during this time. Over the past few years, she’d grown from an extremely cautious and standoffish cat to one that was really comfortable in her skin, happy and relaxed. She was really happy at this apartment, just relaxing with Kristyn and I.

Here we are chilling in my bedroom:

Mitten and Me

SO, that was 2004. It was a lot of fun and it was a lot of unneccessary drama.

2005 is kind of a mess* though so hold onto your seats.

*By “a mess”, I mean: RADICAL.

Weird the way the world works.

For the past few years, my Achilles Heel has been Perezhilton.com.  I know it’s silly, I know it’s vapid, I know it’s basically junk food as far as entertainment and productive use of time goes.  But it entertains me in an “I don’t have to think” fashion and I like that the celebrities are shown warts and all.  As time has gone by, I’ve kind of found Perez’s posts to be less comical and more derogatory.  His attitude towards women seems very misogynistic in terms of his commentary on size, age, looks, youth, behavior, etc.  He has his favorites though and they can do no wrong.  He also has his favorites to pick on and torture.  It’s weird because all of these people, picked on or not, seek out his favor.  It’s like they aren’t legitimate unless he has their opinion, bad or good.

And what’s weird is that he posts pictures of the same people who he picks on and berates at his birthday party.  And THEN he almost seems flattered that these celebrities would be there and fawns over them only to slam them the next day.

In black and white, this seems vile.  Why would I pay attention to this?  Why would I give it the time of day?  Well the website is pink, there’s plenty of pictures, it’s easy to navigate and the author speaks in a familiar, chummy voice.  It’s easy to get sucked in.

Just recently, what with Twittermania taking over the nation, I too, picked up my “smart phone” and got in on the action.  I “followed” Perez, as did a million other people.  But soon, I started seeing how vicious he could be.  Calling Kirstie Alley a fat bitch, telling Mariah to ditch her song choices for ones he’d prefer, telling Christina Aguilera that her last album sucked, the list goes on.  And it’s weird because he’d snipe at these people publicly and then just as quickly flatter them and fawn if they paid him attention.  It’s pathological.

So just about a week ago, when discussing these “findings” with friends, we all predicted that something was about to go down with Perez.  It’s easy to laugh and giggle when he’s behind the facade of a bubble-gum pink website with pretty pictures.  It’s different when the wall is taken down a little bit and you get to see the person behind (on Twitter).  I think it made a lot of people kind of step back and go, “Whoa”.  This guy is a megalomaniac.  And his platform is “truth”, not “opinion” but “truth”.  He thinks someone’s ugly so they are.  He thinks a CD sucks so it does.  He thinks someone’s gay so they are.

Which brings me to my next point…Perez thinks he’s doing the world a service by outing people.  He’s taking one for the team knowing everyone will hate him but hoping that outing people will make being gay more mainstream.  The problem with that is that it takes a long time for people to figure themselves out and sexuality is not something you can nail down.  It’s less about sex and more about being happy with someone you want to spend all of your time with.  That’s not something that just “happens” overnight, not for many of us.

And then this whole Will.i.am debaucle happened.  Bitch Magazine wrote a good essay on what happened.  Here it is:

http://bitchmagazine.org/post/a-different-kind-of-f-word-perez-hilton-and-gayslurgate

Basically the articles seeks to understand just what is it that makes this whole story interesting?  Is it that a gay man and/or a black man were involved?  Is it Perez getting clocked?  Is it that someone was called a faggot?  Is it that the word was hurled by a gay man?  Is it that Perez states that he used the word that would hurt the most, that BEING the word “faggot”?  Is it that that word in particular pissed off Will.i.am?  Is it that Perez had it coming?  Is it that we’re happy about Perez getting clocked?  The list goes on and on…

And it’s strange because in my own life, I had a friend who was JUST LIKE Perez.  Looks like him, talks like him, acts like him, the list goes on and on for that too…It might even be why I was interested in Perez in the first place.  That particular friend and I fell out after I started dating Kristyn.  He’s gay and had had to go through a lot to come out of the closet.  And then here I come, dating a girl and not even having myself figured out.  That person dehumanized me for it and totally cut me out of his life.  For years I wondered what went wrong.  And this friend is funny, charismatic and when he’s your best friend (for the day), you have a great time.  And when you’re out of his favor, you want back in.  It’s so damn weird.  And dangerous.  Now I’m not going to credit this guy with much, it’s just that he’s funny.  But it’s exactly the same with Perez.  He has a sharp wit that makes people want to be around him but the reality is that behind that sharp wit is a person who takes his opinion for fact, influences people to feel the way he does and turns his sharp tongue on you so fast your head is left spinning.  But here’s the thing, you have to like it.  If you don’t, you will be on his shit list forever.  In fact, this year, being an idiot, I tried to mend things with this friend because I thought that all this happened because we were kids.  I wanted to apologize for hurting his feelings and I wanted to, not be friends, but to resolve this problem and move on.  It had been causing me a lot of stress and so I sent him an apology email.  This is part of the response I got:

“…you are damaged goods because of how you father treated you; or that you could never be a true friend to me because you can’t find the true you?  Are you a lesbian? straight? bi?  This in no way is a reflection of what I think; for all I know, you have come to terms with=2 0these issues, but it is simply to illustrate an attempt to say the most horrible things I can…”

Ugh.  It’s so weird to think that I ever considered such a person to be my friend.  And what’s weird is that I probably WAS friends with someone like that specifically BECAUSE my relationship with my father is problematic.  Truth be told, this person never once kept a secret I told them, never once remembered my birthday, never once tried to make me feel better when I was down.  He was a fairweather friend, I was just too “damaged” to know the difference.

I don’t know, I’m not saying that this guy OR Perez are the boogeyman.  I guess I’m just trying to say that it kind of spooks me out that some people, especially these kinds of people have the platform to change minds, influence opinions and excel.  When you’re involved in that shit, it seems like maybe you’ve done something wrong.  I mean look at Fergie.  She has reconstructed her entire face solely on Perez’s opinion and it’s still not good enough for him.  He calls her “fugly”, “fat”, “talentless”, etc on a regular basis and all it takes is her calling him out in private one night for him to angrily lash out, call her friend a faggot and then create all of this drama to get his “fans” to destroy these people who aren’t hurting anybody.

I guess I’m just realizing that the amount of stress I put myself through for this one “friend” was totally wasted time because guys like this aren’t special, they’re a dime a dozen.  And if you’re special too, they’re going to kick you down because there’s only room enough for one diva in the spotlight.

In this scenario, I stole his spotlight.  In Perez’s he used he situation to his advantage to steal the spotlight before anyone else could take it from him and it’s going to be his downfall.  In my own life, I still think about this stuff from time to time even though I know I shouldn’t give it the time of day.  But I will never forget this person calling me “damaged goods” because what’s funny is that it was BEING “damaged goods” that led me to the positive life I have now.

And as for Perez, he should just apologize for using that word as an insult, to his readers, to Will.i.am, to GLAAD.  Obvi Will.i.am’s manager should apologize for hitting him too but honestly, I think that hate speech is more dangerous that a punch.  That punch only hurt Perezhilton.  It’s not acceptable behavior but the only person hurt was the target of the punch.  By comparison though, the use of the word “faggot” hurt way more people and will be his downfall if I have any say in it.

Twilight, Tofurkey, Christmas Tree, Friendship Divorces, 2009

First and foremost, I just want to say that I went to see Twilight this weekend and I really, really liked it.  I didn’t think I would bc (even though I compulsively read them), the books give me ogeda in the worst way.  The though of a little girl dating a guy/vampire who constantly tells her that should he decide to kill her ever she’d be dead as a doornail, no looking back, kind of disturbs me.  Like what has this world come to when we want to perpetuate the idea to young girls that romance is sometimes violent, that sometimes men can hurt you…but so long as they’re achingly good-looking that it’s alright?  I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I’m reading into it too far but I don’t think I am.  I’m looking at it from the perspective of seeing a lot of women go down that path with “bad men” and make excuses for their bad behavior.  I think if I were a teenage girl (and hadn’t already had those experiences) I’d probably just see it as “He’s hot” though.  Regardless, I went into the movie thinking I’d hate it and I guess bc of that I really really liked it…that at Robert Pattinson.  I TRULY did not think I’d join the legions of adoring drooling fans but join them I have.  Even Kristyn woke up early the next morning to feverishly google pictures of him and by the time I got up, he was already made the wallpaper on our computer.  Go figure.  So go see Twilight, don’t expect it to be good, and expect to laugh out loud sometimes when the movie is attempting to be totally serious.  The acting’s bad but it brought me back to a simpler time when most acting in movies WAS bad and you liked it anyway (think “Teen Witch”, “The Worst Witch”, “Summer School”, etc).  It was bad/good.  I loved it.

Okay, onto topic two…Tofurkey.  I am making two tofurkeys this year.  One for Thanksgiving and one for Thanksgiving II at my friend’s house.  In my life I’ve made three tofurkeys.  Two came out like total crap and one came out delish.  I’m hoping that both of mine come out good again.  *fingers crossed*

On Saturday, Kristyn and I are going to go to Ott’s Tree Farm and cut down our Christmas Tree.  I haven’t done that since I was a kid and have been dying to.  Also we’ve been getting our trees from stupid Stewart’s and each tree is worse than the last.  Last year I actually had to have Kristyn and Lou lift the tree out of the base so I could shave off the stump bc it had sealed shut and was not sucking up any water.  We were convinced that the house was going to blow up.  We shall not have this event take place this year.  I mean we were actually thinking of taking the damn thing down prior to Christmas even, this is how dry the thing got.  On a side note, before you even think of hollerating at me for getting a real tree, do let’s remember that we are in an oil crisis.  Plastic=oil.  Trees=wood.  I am a pretty environmentally-conscious person and I do my part above and beyond.  My one indulgence is that I have to have a real tree.  I’ve tried the fake ones and the level of crying, bitching and whining I did that year was enough to make me realize I’m not built to withstand not having a real one.  It’s too much pressure and I’ve been too good of a girl not to deserve it, hahahaha…Anyway, there’s that.

Friendship Divorces are defined in the Urban dictionary as: A clean break and end to a friendship, much like a divorce or seperation, but between platonic friends.  ex. He was being an asshole, so I had to friendship divorce him.  Now guys, I hate friendship divorces but sometimes they happen.  I had one this year that was surprisingly clean.  It was with a person who did not have my best interests at heart.  This person I think was actually happiest when I was low and also never, ever rooted me on for good things to happen in my life.  This was a person who disrespected me regularly, didn’t mind hurting my feelings and pretty much openly ran our friendship based upon whatever suited them in the current time and place knowing that I’d always be loyal.  Eventually things just kind of came to a close when I woke up and realized that this wasn’t a friend but baggage instead.  I actually miss this person from time to time but not who they are now, who they were like ten years ago and that’s not much of a basis for a friendship.  Anyway, I just wanted wanted to say that while I’m always sad to lose a friendship, sometimes its for the best and then better things come into your life afterward.  Always moving onward and upward you know?

And about 2009, I really think this is going to be a good year.  I even just only recently decided that I would switch my favorite number from 4 to 9 and I just turned 29 this year.    Why it took me until 2009 to realize that my age is always the same as the year (minus the two “00”s in the middle is beyond me but I’d imagine there’s a lot that escapes me.  Anyway, I have a lot to look forward to in this year and for that I’m really really grateful.