I am up early. Since Charles died, I’ve been home on leave and gradually, my schedule has turned upside down into college hours. Kristyn had to be up and out early today so I got up with her to help her out. I go back to work next week and need to get back to normal hours. I’m looking forward to and nervous about going back to work. This whole time I’ve been home, I haven’t managed to accomplish much at all. Right after Charles died, I had this idea that “If nothing can be the same, I want everything to be different.” I wanted to find a way to make big sweeping changes in my life; health wise, maybe moving to a new place, etc. However, I can’t focus on anything so I gave up immediately. Giving up has actually been healing for me. Trying too hard to force things was making me more unhappy in a situation where I was already massively unhappy.
The things that have helped the most are watching soothing sitcoms (Parks and Rec and The Office), Christmas decorations, and spending time with family and friends. I’ve let myself sleep whenever I feel like sleeping. I’ve let myself read endlessly. I’ve let myself cry whenever I feel like it. It’s been enormously helpful and I’m grateful to have had this time.
Now that I’m feeling a bit more clear-headed, the one project I’m currently undertaking with Kristyn is cleaning out the basement. We started yesterday and it’s slow going but is really soothing so far. It feels good to go through old things, to reorganize them, and to clean things. I found some old photos of Charles last night and they made me cry. Honestly, crying makes me feel better. I lean into it whenever it happens because it feels like I’m washing out some of the ick. When he first died, I sobbed constantly and was in a constant fog. But then I couldn’t cry for weeks. Every time I did, my chest hurt and would stop me. I guess it was anxiety. It feels like a blessing to be able to cry about it now.
We made the best of the holiday season which we initially thought was going to be really difficult but it turned into a great distraction. I think that the holidays are always going to be painful from now on but no matter when he died, it would always be painful not to have him around.
I had wanted to go on a trip during this time we had off. I really wanted to get in the car and just drive with no plans but money is tight because I’m not working. The best we could manage was to drive up to the trailer for the day. It felt nice to get out of Kearny into the woods for a while. It felt great to see the river and to go into the trailer for an hour or so. I wish we could have stayed overnight but there is no power or heat.
I want to post some pictures of this year because we managed to have a good time despite having four losses in the family. There were good times mixed in with all the bad. We’re planning a large family trip in 2018 so that’s a fun thing to look forward to as well. Here are some good times from the recent months:
We went to the Brooklyn Museum the day before Charles died which is the weekend after Thanksgiving. There’s a huge gap between then and Christmas because I intentionally didn’t take any photos. I didn’t want to commemorate that time at all. Charles life was so much more than his death and I want to forget as much about his death as is humanly possible. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t know why Charles died. His death was traumatic in only that he’s now gone. He had a peaceful death by all accounts and it seems as though it was by natural causes. Also, there was a lot of sweetness and love surrounding his loss. People were so kind and said such beautiful things about him. This stuff, I don’t want to forget. However, it didn’t feel right or appropriate to take photos of anything during this time because I knew I’d feel sick to look at them later, no matter how innocuous (photos of the cats, etc). And so, we jump to Christmas: