This is what I’m talking about


123 views to my Home Page.  Yeah right.  Before I took down “Bisexual Buberella, those 123 pageviews would have been on there.  Typically I’ll get like 20 Home Page views and then a smattering of other pages looked at.  And I rarely put a jump on any of my posts, so there’s never really a reason to click on the ACTUAL post to see the whole thing so I assume that most of my legitimate views are on my Home Page and then robots/accidental internet people make up the rest.  And the thing is, the searches that go along with these posts, don’t even really line up.  Maybe I’m getting myself worked up over nothing but it’s spooky to know that some droid robot out in interwebs world is like “TODAY I SHALL ATTACK BUBERELLA.WORDPRESS.COM…”

Sigh, motherfunkers, sigh.

Private

I’m thinking of putting this blog on private. It’s getting hit a LOT lately by spammers. I mean WordPress is pretty good about deflecting hits but I probably get like 20-40 GENUINE users per day, if that. I mean I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re probably family plus like a few internet people who have me saved (like I do with other blogs). The PROBLEM is that for some reason my blog has been under siege a lot lately and I’ve been getting like 100+ views per day. Typically, since I started this blog, one post will be repeatedly spammed by robots. Usually it’s one of my West Memphis Three posts. I’ll get all wacked out spam that I have to delete that redirects to some spammer site. You guys never see that because WordPress has a good filter and I delete it right away. But my “Bisexual Buberella” post started getting an inordinate amount of views. At first it wasn’t much so I thought it might be google hits based on the news. Like I can see what search engine terms people used to find this blog. Usually I get hits based on “banana tootsie roll pops”, “West Memphis Three” (and anything to do with them), “Calvin and Hobbes”, “Kate Moennig” and some other stuff. I’ve either written a post on these subjects or posted a picture of these things and depending on public interest or what’s going on in the media, people might google these words and my blog will pop up. They’ll either click on a picture and come onto my blog OR click on a link that leads them here. It’s kind of interesting. So, it makes sense that these posts get a lot of hits to me because they’re not like personal subjects. I do get googled once in a while myself. People will google “buberella” or “booberella” to get here and that’s cool. What doesn’t make sense to me about the “Bisexual Buberella” hits though are that there are NO SPAM attempts. Like no robots are leaving spam at all. And there are no google searches to find this blog based on “bisexuality”. So these aren’t real users. And I hid that page from public view and now I am getting zillions of hits on my main page. And I haven’t done anything interesting lately that would warrant my family and friends to check my page like a hundred times a day. Like usually when my life is a little interesting or if I post four posts in a day, I will get more reads because let’s face it, we all have office jobs that we need to kill time at, might as well see what ol’ Coleen is going on about. (Or at least that’s why I read other people’s blogs, to kill some time.)

The point is that there is some webcrawler robot that keeps hitting my blog and seemingly getting nothing out of it. They’re not spamming for clicks on their bogus site. There isn’t anything I put on this blog that would captivate thieves or advertisers. It isn’t particularly thought-provoking or funny. It’s just the mundanities of my life and I do it for fun and I do it for my family and friends. Moreso than that, it’s just a habit. I like the idea of blogging because someday I will have a record of my life. I mean not ALL of it, but some of it. And I literally CANNOT write with my hands anymore. I tried to the other day and it was a fookin mess. I just don’t have the dexterity that I used to but I can type at the speed that I think (for the most part). So it’s tough because I WANT to keep this journal but I kind of DON’T want the internet at large to have access to my life, as innocuous as this is.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I haven’t made up my mind yet but I’m likely going to dim this blog, coming soon. I’m going to carry on with it and I will set it up so you need a password to read it. Anyone who wants one can have one. Which kind of leaves us in a conundrum because as much of a blog WRITER as I am, I am also a fervent blog READER. And I’m lazy so I rarely leave comments on the blogs that I read. So I know all of this info about all of these people but they have no idea I even exist or care about their goingson because I’m like a spooky blog ghost. The point is, if you read this and don’t want me to know, we might have a problem that I don’t know how to fix. If you read this and you don’t care that I know, we’ll have an easier time of it. If you read this once in a blue moon and come here to find a locked door, I don’t know what we’ll do. So therein lies the problem. I know that what I say or do is not important enough to keep anyone up at night but I’ve had a few blogs I read go down and I miss those people a bit. Kind of like losing a friend. I still sadly go to their url’s once in a while, hoping they’ve changed their minds but no. Still I find myself on a darkened doorstep. Oh internet what are we gonna do with each other?

That being said, I have a doozy of a day to post for you. GOOD MOTHERCRUNKIN TIMES WERE HAD.

Day Eighty-five

I AM EXHAUSTED. So I’ll give it to you quick and dirty. Here I am taking surreptitious photos of myself at my desk.

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Here is Kristyn on the bus just minutes after suddenly and violently puking into a bag.

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Here is the bag.

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Kristyn was stunned by this development obviously. And worse, it wasn’t just the type of thing where you cough up a quick hairball. No there was heaving. It was a full on yak and it was in a bus. Poor Krissy. We’re both feeling yakkish, maybe it’s something we ate?

Anyway gotta to to sleep. But let me say that although I am SO TIRED, it is REALLY nice to be making myself useful in the workforce again even if it is only a few month gig. Okay g’nite for realsies.

Ten things I need you to know

First thing: A man is on the bus with me having a feverish, silent conversation with no one. It’s not even like he’s Bluetoothing. He’s mouthing words and actively gesturing. It seems like an amiable conversation with a good friend. It’s filled with nodded heads, dismissive hand gestures as if to say “You crazy”, smiles and I even saw a side-eye in there. It’s sad but at least he’s entertaining himself quietly AND he seems to have a good relationship with his friend.

We made Zeppoles!

Second thing: This Times Square Bomber thing is making me emote a range of feelings. Because the danger was already neutralized by the time I heard about it, I just kind of brushed it off as “one of those things that happens in NY” especially since they were downplaying it (saying it was amatureish etc). But now that that douche’s picture was released and there is a human face on it I am FURIOUS. And the news is releasing only the most smug pictures of him probably to make us not give a hit what his “reasoning” was (not like any “reason” you’d have to put a bomb in Times Square would hold water). But if you’ve never been to Times Square, imagine the most people you’ve ever seen in your life and multiply it by ten. It still always amazes me how MANY people are out there. IDK the strength of that bomb but a lot of innocent people wouldve been hurt by that smug asshole. Throw the book at him.

Here are some melting marshmallows from the Rice Krispie Treats I tried to make for Kristyn's work party last week. It was a win/fail scenario.

Third thing: My Internship was due to end this Thursday but I had a short conversation with my boss yesterday (he was busy so I didn’t want to take up any of his time). Anyway, I asked him if he still wanted me to finish this week. I’m not in a rush out the door since I haven’t found a job yet and I know he needs the help. Plus you know what they say about idle hands…at least for now, I’m going to stay on and stay busy. Maintain my contacts and continue to learn. Anyway, he said, “We’d love to have you!” and so I (weirdly) just said, “Okay then! See you tomorrow!” and bounced haha. I guess I should’ve asked some followup questions or something. He just was really busy and I didn’t want to take him away from what he was doing. Oh well.

Monster playing and sleeping.

Fourth thing: I’ve been making an effort to exercise again. Within the past few days I’ve jogged twice, gone walking, gone swimming, done a little yoga and pilates and some light arms weights. God that sounds like a lot but it wasn’t really. Feels good anyway.

Elvira's got to stop slouching.

Fifth thing: Still have to write GLAAD Awards post. It’s blocking me from writing anything else bc it’s a long one and I haven’t had the time.

Me with wet hair and a big nose.

Sixth thing: Soon we are doing something really funny/awesome. The funniest part of it is that it’s a total secret and I can’t tell you haha. But I’ll tell you what it is soon, so fun!

Kristyn gathering our stuff out of the car on the way to the beach.

Seventh thing: IDK if I posted this in another blog but I was in a Starbucks last week and went to throw some shit out. Coming back from the trash, I saw a foot in one of those “injured foot” boots. I carefully stepped around the foot so that I would hurt it’s owner. I looked up and straight into David Beckham’s surly/adorable face! I blandly looked away and a vague voice in my head said “David Beckham”. I read a criminal amount of celebrity gossip so it’s not uncommon for me to see him…IN PICTURES. I did a double take and sure enough, behold a cranky David Beckham at the Starbucks around the corner from my job at 9am on a weekday. He’s angry to be awake (like the rest of us) and he’s angrier that my piggy little eagle eyes have spotted a bitch. I ran AWAY and out of the Starbucks. On FB someone was like, “Did you look around for Posh? I would have!” My answer was something to the effect of, “Hell no! I don’t want an irate David Beckham kicking me under ANY circumstances!!” So that was that. Also, here’s a buried lead for you, I met Taylor Lautner. Let’s see how many people read to the end of my blogs haha.

It was chilly on that beach!

Eighth thing: We’re starting the process of finding schools and trying to figure out how we’ll do it. I wonder if they have off-campus apartments that loans would cover. It would be great if we could maintain part-time jobs and go to school full-time. Also, we’re both FINALLY graduating from Bergen! By the end of this month we’ll be graduates!

Zuma Beach.

Ninth thing: Man I have a splitting headache. They’ve been on and off. I think it’s how my allergies manifest in California. I had two weeks of sneeziness in February and that was it. The rest of my allergies seems to be quick-onset headaches and sleepiness (I’ve been uncommonly run down.) I’ll take it!

LA Newscaster.

Tenth thing: We went to the beach this week which was so nice. We went to Zuma Beach in Malibu and there were SO MANY dolphins! Also, Vanessa is coming back in June. She is BICYCLING here from Sacramento!!! It’s an AIDS ride she’s been training for and we’re so proud of her!!! Also, the random Silver Lake violence continues. I heard what sounded like three gunshots the other night. Kristyn heard them last night. A little while later, our apartment was shaking bc a low-flying helicopte was overhead. There’s an emergency hospital with a helipad near us on Sunset so helicopters aren’t unheard of. This one sounded like it was going to crash into the house though…Kristyn found an article on either LA Times or LAist that there WAS reports of gunfire and that the helicopter had been looking for a gunman. No one was hurt which was good at least. In other horrifying news, at one of the two Targets we frequent, a woman went batshit and started stabbing bitches on Monday. She stabbed four people (including a mother holding a baby for Christ’s sake-both are okay). Fucking bananas. THIS is why we carry pepper spray. I want to at least temporarily maim someone if crazies threaten us (or anyone around us like in the Target situation).

Richard Simmons says "Happy Spring!"

2005

It was unseasonably warm on December 31, 2004 and me, Kristyn and Amanda had no plans. We decided that this would be the year that we’d brave Times Square for new Year’s Eve. Unlike the thousands who’d arrived to secure their spot at like, noon, we showed up around 7pm. We’d all had to work that day and weren’t interested in finding a way to hold our bladders from noon to midnight in the middle of Manhattan.

Even at 7pm, it was pandemonium. People were EVERYWHERE. You couldn’t even actually GET to actual factual Times Square anymore. All those sections were LONG taken and closed off by the NYPD.

We entered a maze of areas sectioned off with metal police horses. In each area, there was a set of police officers. You had to show your ID to the officers if you wanted to advance to the next level. It was so weird.

We finally got to the section we’d be in for the rest of the night. When I say it was “unseasonably warm”, it was probably 45 or 50 degrees outside, which is pretty warm for New Year’s Eve.

Because I have no sense, I took this to mean that it was beach weather and wore a flimsy jacket. I mean it IS still December/January and it IS still NYC and it IS still winter so I don’t know what I was thinking. So we spent a lot of time concocting ways to make our bodies fit in such a way that we were all always siphoning heat off of one another. There was nothing better to do.

It was weird to be in that caged up like that. You weren’t allowed to leave at all and if you really really HAD to leave for one reason or another, you’d probably never find your way back because of the elaborate (and necessary) screening process you have to endure on the way in. So we just willed ourselves not to urinate. We noticed that there were food vendors cleverly selling pizza and other things from the sides of the cages. Naturally we threw ourselves at the screaming melee of people and ordered a pizza. There were pizza boxes fng EVERYWHERE. We even scooped some of them up so sit on so we wouldn’t have to sit on the cold ground.

In front of us were a bunch of Norwegian tourists. They really made us happy. They were just so joyous and excited. If not for them, our moods would have soured with a quickness because unlike most New Year’s Eves, there are no couches to sit on, no champagne to sip, no hors doeuvres to much on. It’s just you, a cardboard box, the NYPD and a thin jacket.

After five HOURS (I don’t know how the “noon people” do it), it was time for the ball drop. We could see the back of it as it dropped but not for its entire trip down. As it got toward the “3…2…1” position, the buildings covered it up. Such is life. In the distance, we saw a ton of confetti rain down on the crowd. In our area, we were confetti-free, woo.

So basically immediately after the ball dropped, the entire crowd about-faced and started walking toward the train stations. So, we followed suit. We got back home probably about an hour later and didn’t want to go to bed yet. So, we decided to go to the Loop Lounge.

We’d bought “2005” sparkly glasses on the street in NYC and were still wearing them when we accidentally cut off an entire line of people waiting to get into the Loop. We literally sailed right in like we owned the place. The bouncer knew us and just let us go. We didn’t find out until later what we’d done. We were stone cold sober, just idiots. He’d been holding the line and letting people in as other people left so as not to overload the place and here comes our asses…OMG.

Inside, people were dancing and having a good time. We got some beer and started dancing too. Some gal was wearing a gigantic dunce cap that said “2005” on it. She approached me and asked if she could wear my glasses for a little while in exchange for her allowing me to wear her dunce cap. Of course, I agreed, thinking it would be a “little while”.

I was keeping an eye on her because I didn’t want her walking off with my glasses. I’d sat on the ground for five hours in NYC and probably had hemorrhoids now to earn those glasses. I lost track of her and got really pissed off at myself for letting that happen. BUT THEN.

I saw her in the crowd. She saw me see her and kind of tried to skirt away. I grabbed her arm and asked for the glasses back. She suggested that we keep the trade as it is. I told her that I went to Times Square and bought those glasses. They’re a keepsake and I want them. She actually told me that she knew that’s where I’d gotten them and had hid from me the entire night hoping I’d get drunk and forget so she can keep them. I snatched them away from her and plopped that stupid dunce cap back on her head. Haha…Shit.

Times Square!

A little later that month, George H. W. Bush was going to be sworn in for his second term. Like I said in my last blog, me and Kristyn were mad as hell and we weren’t gonna take it! We had enough bees in our bonnets that we decided to drive down to DC and protest the shit out of that inauguration and that is exactly what we did.

Krissy and Riot Police, haha.

We stayed in Bethesda, Maryland and took the Metro into DC on the day of the inauguration. It was craaaaaaazy there! Speaker systems everywhere broadcasting news coverage of the event. Barricades up everywhere. Riot Police on motorcycles, on horses, on foot. Protestors, revelers, families, DC Fat Cats. It was incredible.

And it was COLD. Oh my LORD was it cold. BUT we had bugs up our butts and we weren’t happy about it so we braved the cold so’s we could use our right to dissent in the form of a middle finger to the Commander in Chief. (Any Bush lovers reading this, settle down because if you could give President Obama the finger you’d revel in the opportunity especially in such a heated election as this had been.)

The crowd was crazy and super tense. The GWB fans were holding three fingers up in righteous indignation at the protestors’ signs. Me and Kristyn hadn’t thought to make any signs so we found some posterboard and scribbled some shit on it, haha.

So earnest.

There were like Puppets of George Bush, posters claiming all kinds of things like that Bush was responsible for the downturn in the environment (which he is) and that he is responsible for trying to tear down women’s rights (which he is) and that he is responsible for starting a war we can’t win (which he is) but whatever I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s just say it was interesting to see and leave it at that.

Some of the protestors were ridiculous and made us cringe. Like why would you riding unicycle in a clown suit while banging a drum make the Republicans say, “Oh they DO have a point there, don’t they?” That’s the kind of zealot I can’t stand…the ones who are there just to soak in the chaos of the moment and act a fool. Whatever.

I wanted to run through this banner so bad.

The FUNNIEST part though was the DC Fat Cats though. Here we all are, jammed into our winter coats, thermal underwear under our clothes, scarves covering our mouths and noses to keep warm. And here comes the Fat Cats. The men were decked out in tuxedos with calf-length expensive black wool coats and cravats. The women had ankle-length gigantic fur coats. You couldn’t have created a more divisive statement if you WANTED to.

So we got us a spot right on Pennsylvania Ave a couple of blocks down from the White House. There were sharpshooters on the top of all of the buildings. Decked out in all black, you could sometimes see their silhouettes when they stood closer to the edge of the building to get a better vantage point. It was terrifying.

We were on the sidewalk and in front of us, FACING us, were a line of Riot Police in total Riot Gear (with even the face shield). There was a divider but they wanted to make absolutely SURE that nothing happened to the motorcade and therefore stood watching us. It was definitely extremely eerie.

We’re standing there people watching and taking pictures. The crowd is largely chanting anti-Bush sentiments on and off. At this particular moment however, the crowd had settled down. There was a girl who’d been standing in front of us for a while. In a split fng second she was completely naked save for a pair of underwear. I don’t know how she did it or what it meant but one minute she’s standing in winter gear in front of the Police and the next minute she is naked and being lifted up and over the divider being naked arrested. It was awesome and I am so glad I caught a picture of it.

Clothed not a second prior.

As the motorcade started approaching, there were either three fingers or one finger stuck up on the air depending on which side of the party lines you fall on. Typically the President will get out and walk that last stretch of Pennsylvania Avenue where we actually were but not this time. The tension was too thick and it could not be risked.

I have to tell you, although I admit that it was immature, it was really, really awesome to be able to protest the inauguration like that. It didn’t change a damn thing but for sure, but it sure was nice to make a point.

At this time, Kristyn had like psychic lightening fingers. She was constantly finding us weird, cool shit to do at a moment’s notice. Somehow she found out that the cast of “The L Word” were having their premiere in NYC. We HAD to go just to see them and take pictures. It was pretty awesome and we got really close to the cast. I can’t find all of the pictures but we took a picture with Alice (Leisha Hailey), stood very close to Rosie O’Donnel and her wife as well as Tina (Laurel Holloman). We got pictures of Sandra Bernhard and even talked to Gloria fricking Steinem for a hot second! I saw her and tried to take her picture. She said, “What’re you taking a picture of me for? I’m just a publicist…” My FOOT.* But what was most awesome was that Kristyn got to take a picture with Shane (Kate Moennig). SO exciting! Oh AND, if you ever thought for one second that Jennifer Beals was just “alright looking”, you are WRONG. I thought she was just “eh” until I saw her in person. “Statuesque” is the word I’d use for what she looks like up close. “Stunning” is another word. Damn, good for you Jennifer Beals!

Kristyn and Shane AKA Kate Moennig

Bette AKA Chick from Flashdance AKA Jennifer Beals

* I think it was this same year that we got tickets to go to V Day event at the Apollo Theater. Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda, Eve Ensler, Rosie Perez, Marissa Tomeii and a coupla other gals were there. It was so awesome. Michelle Branch played a rendition of “Wild Horses” on the piano that made me cry so hard! It was awesome.

Probably between 2004 and 2005, we had gotten heavily obsessed with a memoirist named Laurie Notaro. Unless you hate yourself and don’t like laughing, READ HER BOOKS. They are beyond hysterically funny. We both worked at a publishing company at this time and drove to work together. We used to read her books aloud to each other on the way to and from work and just cry laughing. Start with The Idiot Girls’ Action Adventure Club and go from there. SO good.

Anyway, Kristyn’s psychic magic fingers found out that she would be doing a reading and then a signing at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square so we were THERE. She was so nice and so funny and it was a total honor to meet her.

Kristyn, Me, Laurie Notaro

THEN Kristyn’s favorite band, Sleater-Kinney, came out with a new CD, “The Woods”. I liked Sleater-Kinney at the time but I didn’t LOVE Sleater-Kinney at the time. After seeing them live a couple times, I totally do. BUT being that I wasn’t star-struck, I was like, “Hey Kristyn, lets get our pictures taken with them.” She was like, “Oh no we can’t do that, now way, please omg, yes let’s do it, not let’s not I don’t want to piss anyone off.” I was all, “What’re they gonna do, shank us? They say no, we just scram.” So like the naturally annoying person I am, I asked them for a picture and this is what happened.

Carrie was the sweetest and I’m glad because I read a blog that she does for NPR and I’m glad I can read it knowing she is a legitimately nice person.

Me, Carrie Brownstein, Kristyn

Corin was really, really friendly too!

Me, Corin Tucker, Kristyn

Janet was a little annoyed at us frankly, haha. She wasn’t annoyed to take the picture necessarily but she BECAME annoyed with us (understandably) when we wouldn’t stand still for the picture. She stood on the right side of me which would have made the picture be her, me, Kristyn. Since SHE is the person of interest in the pictures and since Kristyn is the bigger fan, I wanted her to be in the middle. So I started kind of playing musical chairs like running around her because the more I moved, the more she moved until she was basically like, “Will YOU cut it out?!” Haha. I was like, “Yes I will but you have to please stand HERE.” So yes I managed to turn a celebrity photo op into an episode of the The Benny Hill Show but we got our picture and she got to get away from us. Everybody wins!

Me, Janet Weiss, Kristyn

2005 was also the year that we met the Gossip which I outlined in a previous post and will not bore you with again. Still, I had to add a picture because it was awesome.

Beth Ditto, Hannah Blilie

We did other things apart from meet celebrities but not much. We were working pretty hard at this point and dealing with bunny drama for much of this year.

Did you know that the gestation cycle of a rabbit is 30 days? Also, did you know that they can be impregnated immediately following birth or even while pregnant? Were you aware that rabbits can become pregnant OR impregnate a rabbit oh, almost immediately? Yeah us neither.

THIS is how we ended up with twelve rabbits. Despite our best efforts, Little ended up pregnant, three separate times. I mean guys, we made cages for them in separate rooms, padlocked the cages and STILL put a gate up between rooms and Biggie was still able to tap that ass.

Long story short (too late), we ended up having to spend much of 2005 finding homes for rabbits. We gave them to people we knew and worked closely with the Humane Society in Lyndhurst to find them homes as well. Actually, one of the rabbits is living at NYU’s Rusk Center for Rehabilitation. He is an on-site rabbit who is there to be petted by and played with by children and adults with physical or mental disabilities. I went to see him last year and I could *swear* he knew who I was. I wanted to bring him home!

It was really rough parting with all those little guys. They were soooo cute BUT it was also REALLY rough caring for all of them. Once rabbits reach a certain age, they cannot be together anymore. Rabbits will fight to the death if you keep ones that don’t get along together.

Also, not all of them survived. On Little’s second pregnancy, we counted the babies in the morning and the sum total was six. When we went back and counted again, there were only four. Wha-wha-wha? We had no idea what could possibly have happened and prayed that we wouldn’t come upon a bunny zombie later on.

WELL on Little’s third pregnancy, we DEFINITELY found out what happened to the bunnies we couldn’t find. She’d recently given birth to some babies that all seemed healthy but she’d done it on the top floor of her cage. I found one of them on the floor. She must have given birth and it must’ve just fallen through the cracks. WELL, initially he looked fine but we eventually saw that his hind legs were atrophied. They were stuck out straight, kind of dark and totally useless. We like animals that are disabled so we LOVED him immediately. One night, I was sitting in the kitchen with the bunnies. I had him in my hand when Little hopped up. She started sniffing him and I held him out thinking she might groom him. Bitch actually BIT OFF a section of one of his legs!!! WHAT?! I couldn’t even look at her. Both of us were SO DISTURBED and immediately separated him from the pack. Clearly we were dealing with a mini lop-eared psychopath.

Little plotting her next kill.

We soon found out that rabbits eat their young if something is wrong with them.  This is another prey mechanism for protecting the whole of the family.  They can sense if there is something inherently wrong with their young like if they’re sick or damaged and in order to leave zero trace of the rest of the babies, they just eat’m up.  “What baby?”

Separating this little guy from the pack posed a problem though because it is vital that a rabbit feed from its mother when it’s born. It’s chances of living are 0% to 0% when they’re that young. They need to drink from the mother but also, and this is sort of gross to hang onto your cookies…The mother begins producing poopies called “cecotropes”. Typically bunny duts are just little hard balls of like hay or whatever. The cecotropes are a little different in shape and consistency and are SERIOUSLY infused with vitamins and minerals that are absolutely vital to a rabbit’s health. I mean, I spose you could stuff a poopie in the rabbit’s pie hole but I don’t think that’s how he wants to eat it. And you CAN buy synthetic kitten milk and feed it with a bottle but that’s not really useful for the rabbit so much as it is for you feeling better about not letting it starve to death.

So we named him “Stumpy” and were hoping for a full recovery. We’d already decided that should Stumpy pull through, we’d keep him and make him our favorite pet. We wanted to lavish him with a little bunny wheelchair and laugh at him as he tooled around our apartment. We made him a bed in a shoebox filled with towels. We woke up in the morning and found that Stumpy had taken the first Haley-Bopp comet out of town and would see us in another lifetime. *Sads*

So we wanted to give him a proper Viking burial but no one had a boat or flaming arrows to speak of. So we went to Amanda’s house and decided to bury him amongst Amanda’s sundry ex-pets on the side of her house. We brought little Stumpy in his box and each took turns digging the small grave. We’re all lapsed Catholics so we read a passage or two from the Bible and “lowered him into the ground”. Amanda started filling in the hole and wanted to make sure that nothing could dig it up because her cats are outdoor/indoor and there are a lot of strays in the area. In her zeal to make sure Stumpy’s grave would be untarnished, she forgot the reverence of the moment and started taking the shovel and BASHING it into the dirt over and over again, intending to flatten it down. The sight of Amanda wielding a shovel so VIOLENTLY at a bunny funeral had me and Kristyn questioning her sanity and laughing hysterically.

That Spring, we came home one night and for no damn reason at all, Biggie was dead. In order to keep him away from Little, we’d taken to separating them in cages, in separate rooms with a gate between the rooms. Still, he was always finding ways to break out of his cage and get into the kitchen. SO we started piling things up in front of the gate to save Little and ourselves any further grief. In our enthusiasm to help the situation, we probably inadvertently caused Biggie’s death. We found him in the kitchen. He must have just died. I think he probably tried to jump over the obstacle, got caught on something and broke his back. Rabbit bones are hollow and therefore extremely easy to break. SO, we had another funeral on our hands. This time, we buried him in Kristyn’s parents’ yard. Again we had another little ceremony.

One good thing that DID come out of Biggie and Little’s union was Moe.  He was one of the ones we were SUPPOSED to get rid of but ended up keeping.  He was beautiful and huge and VIOLENT.  He was the leader of the pack and had not only attacked all of the other rabbits but also once accidentally bit Kristyn’s FACE.  I had to take her to the doctor for a tetanus shot and while she was there, she accidentally flashed her derrierre off to all of the nurses.

Moe in a bookcase.

But bad news comes in threes so naturally, and I knew it was almost Mitten’s time to hang up her hat. I knew that I wanted to get another cat IMMEDIATELY following her death because I just couldn’t imagine living without her and wanted a distraction. We went to Petco on Route 3 and they were having a pet adoption fair. When we approached, there was this little kitty that looked EXACTLY like Mitten from behind. When she turned around, we saw that she was missing one eye. She was so sweet and so pretty and we LOVED her. I said, “If we didn’t have Mitten, I would have adopted that cat today.”

Two weeks later, in the span of a week, she stopped drinking, stopped eating and lost a ton of weight. I was holding out hope for her to rally but really I knew that this was probably it. On Friday night, we came home from work and Mitten was on the armchair. She jumped off of it to greet us like she always does but when she hit the floor, she collapsed. Her forehead was extremely stiff and we were SO freaked out. I called my mother in hysterics and she came over. My mother is a nurse and told me that Mitten was just dehydrated and this is what happens to people and animals when they’re dying sometimes. It was an extremely stormy night and I wanted to go put her to sleep immediately because I couldn’t take the thought of her suffering. My mother pointed out that she wasn’t suffering at all and I realized that that was true. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t in pain. She was looking up at me with love. If we’d gone out into the storm, it would have been nuts because it was like, flood conditions outside. So my mother gave me some money, told me to wait until morning and just to keep her comfortable. I’d hoped she’d pass away over night like I always wanted her to. When we woke up the next morning, she was even worse off and it was time to go. She was clearly uncomfortable now and couldn’t move. She followed me with her eyes but I could see that she was ready to go. We put some soft beach towels in a box and laid her on top of them. In the car, I petted her and we listened to soft music. The last song that played before we got out of the car was “Modern Girl” by Sleater-Kinney. The refrain of that song is:

My whole life
was like a picture
of a sunny day

My whole life
looked like a picture
of a sunny day

I am crying now thinking about it, ugh. We brought her inside and were brought into a room. The vet tech was immediately sympathetic because she’d had a little Tortie herself who’d passed. The doctor explained what was going to happen. I sat there petting her and staring into her eyes as she passed. She knew she was loved.

I’m so glad it happened like this. I’d always hoped that when she died, she’d go at home, in peace. But honestly, in all likelihood, she would have been alone because that is the nature of cats, to go hide and die alone. Instead, she told me that it was her time and I got to hold her hand and comfort her as she went. It was perfect.

I love you Mitten!

After that, we immediately went to a couple of shelters. Kristyn suggested that maybe we wait but I didn’t want to. Mitten meant a LOT to me and her loss would create a HUGE hole in my life that I really, really didn’t want to face. Plus there are a lot of kitties in this world that need a home TODAY. Why not let one little guy or gal do double duty and make us both happy?

At work that week, when Mitten was still winding down, suddenly the name “Edith” had popped into my head. I love me some “All in the Family” and ESPECIALLY Edith but hadn’t seen the show in a long time. BUT that name popped up and I knew I was looking for Edith.

We went to a couple of shelters and met a few ADORABLE cats who were all contenders but not quite Edith. None of them felt right. At the end of the day, Kristyn said, “Why don’t we go back and see if that one-eyed kitty is still there?” We did and as soon as we saw her again, I was like, “THAT’S EDITH!!!” We signed the paperwork but couldn’t take her home for another two weeks.

This pictures sums up Edith. She's a tough broad who deals with my craziness with grace and hilarity.

In the meantime, we decided to have a funeral for Mitten. She’d been my best friend, sister and advisor for 18 years and deserved a proper sendoff. We invited our friends, cleaned the house and prepared a spread. All funerals have the “after funeral eating times” so we figured we should provide the same. Also, for no damn reason, we bought a shit load of cat bobbleheads from the dollar store to give out as souvenirs. Bad taste I know but you love it. The BEST part was that I made a kitty litter cake which basically looks like this:

So delicious, so disgusting.

Here’s the recipe:
http://thekoolaidmom.wordpress.com/2009/04/19/read-a-thon-go-eat-kitty-litter/

Oh and it’s delicious even if it did shock and anger our guests, haha.

It was rough going with her at first bc a) she’s come from an abuse situation and doesn’t trust humans or other animals and b) I was used to having a cat who wanted almost too much of my attention, not one who wouldn’t let me touch her. So it was kind of heart-breaking at first, actually HAVING a cat but not being allowed to interact with said cat.

But she’s come a long, long way. She still hates cats but she looooooves her some humans. She lets me pick her up, she lets me pet her and she’s such a happy little girl. She IS a total weirdo though. She tends toward sudden violence, she hisses at everything and doesn’t like to move around if she doesn’t have to. We learned quickly to laugh at the hissing and violence because it’s all just drama. And we basically had to FORCE her to enjoy being petted and picked up but tough titties on that. You WILL be loved and you WILL like it…and she does.

I think that’s enough for 2005. It was a crazy year. I made a helluva lot of vegetarian empanadas in 2005. Also my brother gave me a lamp that said, “Bitch” on it for Christmas and I cried but now I think it’s funny. Also we had a huge snowstorm and my brother walked to our house in the middle of the night in shorts and socks to come play board games with me, Kristyn and Christine, haha.  Oh and I realized I was bisexual in 2005. Oh I also slipped on a patch of ice and broke a bottle of wine in 2005 which sucked. Oh and we went to an anti-nuclear war rally in 2005. AND we marched in some protest that I can’t even remember what it was for and got mixed in with a section of Communists.

Like I said, 2005 was a radical mess, haha.

Kristyn is I-talian.

The other day we were feeling crafty and peckish so we decided to make a craft we could sup on. Here is the evidence of the events as they unfolded*:

We bought pizza dough at Trader Joe's on a whim.

I believe that Kristyn said this is the Italian Evil Eye or Devil Horns or warding off of the Evil Eye. IDK, I was thinking intently about pizza at the time.

I started the project but Kristyn had a lot of instructions so she took over. She forgot that she used to work at a pizzaria, haha.

We used a stupid Ragu sauce. It was kinda too sweet for to make pizza with.

We used an entire bag of mozzarella bc why wouldn't you?

Sprinkle some garlic on when Kristyn's not looking and it's ready for the oven!

Booyah!

It was pretty good! Next time we have to use a sauce with more oregano. Totes.

*I never said this blog would always be interesting. As Kristyn’s niece says, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset!!!”

First California Thanksgiving!

Yippee!


Today is Thanksgiving and all over the US people have now stuffed themselves to the gills and are passed out all over living room furniture from coast to coast. I love Thanksgiving. A) Because of the food (obviously). B) Because it’s a gift-free holiday that you can just sit back and enjoy. I’ve been on the preparation end of Thanksgiving meals and it IS a nightmare to prepare your house, spend your money and try to dot every last “I” and cross every last “T” only to have your snot-nose family members come over and think the whole thing happened with a swish of a wand. Been THERE. BUT although I love giving and receiving gifts on Christmas, it just kind of causes a clusterfudge of anxiety that just kind of stresses us all out. So, “Ahhhh Thanksgiving”. Haha.

Me and Kristyn aren’t having our meal today. She has to work unfortunately so I am just hanging around chilling and waiting for her to get back. We Skyped with my Mother, Brother, Grandmother, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins and talked on the phone with everyone else. It wasn’t the same as being there but it was definitely a nice substitution. Thank bejesus for technologia.

This is me, my Mom and Brother Skyping.

Also, I made myself a broke down version of Thanksgiving dinner. We went to Whole Foods the other day for the Tofurkey and found a packaged of sliced Tofurkey that was flavored like stuffing and cranberry sauce. WHAT?! So we bought that and omg it smells and tastes just like Thanksgiving!!! So here’s the white trash Thanksgiving meal I had, haha:

Three slices of Stuffing and Cranberry Tofurkey (heated in the microwave)
A buttered hot dog bun (haha)
Instant Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Cranberry Sauce

I know that sounds SO, SO terrible but honestly, shit was hella good. Tomorrow we have EVERYTHING. I’ll post pictures of our vegan Thanksgiving and it will make your mouth water. Don’t worry it is NOTHING like the above, nary a hotdog bun will be in sight. In fact, I have a picture of the future and this is what it looks like:

What my table will look like tomorrow.

And Kristyn had some Thanksgiving food at work so she was at least looking forward to that but in the end, here’s what she texted me in regards to it:

Ate some food. Found hair in it, blech.
Plus it’s cold.
Woo.

(Woo=misery sound)

So yeah, she’s not digging work on the holiday. I wish she were here but it’s okay because tomorrow we are going to be fat pigs and eat until we have to help each other to the bathroom to purge. It’s going to be disgusting and you’ll love it.

What else, what else…I guess that’s it. I’m going to watch that Matt Lauer “People of 2009” Thingamagig…also I want to watch “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”. I will continue to try not to eat our Pumpkin or Apple pies that are sitting…so close…right there…get off the chair Coleen, you could have your face buried in it before you even knew what you were doing…STOP.

Oh AND Kristyn gave the cats Turkey and Giblets canned food today and they shunned that shit. Well Edith didn’t because homegirl is still so traumatized from her early life that she will eat literally anything put in front of her, but Monster and Elvira…they’ve always had it sort of good so what do they care? Elvira who was out on the street when I found her had to have come from somewhere but was pretty skinny when we took her in. She usually eats her portion, moves onto Monster’s and will take a stab at Edith’s if she’s not vigilant. Monster is usually afraid of what Elvira will do to him if he approaches his own food bowl so this is nothing especially new. Still, methinks those babies forgot what it’s like to suffer! I will make them suffer with kisses and hugs!!! So cruel.

I’m going to try to write more of the Roadtrip blog in a little while. It takes a long-ass time to do them though! See ya later. Oh and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

P.S. The guy who wrote the musical score to Mary Poppins (Richard Sherman) was on TV before! He is 81 years old now. He had read the book by Pamela Travers on a friend’s recommendation and he and his brother had started coming up with music to go with the story just because they liked writing music. After writing a couple of songs for Annette Funicello, they got a little bit of notariety. When Walt Disney had started considering making a movie out of Mary Poppins, they went to him with the music they’d created. He took them on and the rest is history. He said, “As the old saying goes, luck is what happens when preperation meets opportunity.” I’ve heard that before but I love that! Watching him made me miss my family a bit as did watching the Macy’s Day Parade but mostly, I am just happy today and excited for tomorrow!

Haha.

Carrie Prejean is the worst and here’s why.

news frc value voters summit 190909

The Deeevil.


I don’t watch Beauty Pageants, I’m just not interested. It’s not a “stand”, it’s just not interesting to me. When Perez Hilton asked Carrie Prejean her views on gay marriage, she responded that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Obviously I do not agree. I did not like, though, how the next day and weeks following, he created a hate parade about it. I mean I think she has a pretty outdated, prejudiced attitude but I mean there was only one way she could have answered his question without being ripped a new one and that’s not fair. Here’s how it all began:

So, yeah she’s an idiot but she can be enlightened and maybe learn something from it at this point. She wasn’t rude or derogatory at all. He, however, went bananas on her:

He just always manages to take it to a level…

Then all that blahblahblah cross-talk happened.
* Pageant says she’s not meeting her commitments
* She says her religious beliefs are being persecuted
* Nude pictures of her are released (which she says were “artistic” and done “when she was 17” and also “the wind managed to blow her top open”…come on…)
* We find out she got breast implants via the Pageant committee.
* Trump saved her post, then got rid of her…

All kinds of shit went down. And the longer it went on, the nastier she became. I mean it’s one thing to have an opinion, it is another thing entirely to join up with hate groups which she did (National Organization for Marriage).

And then…she sues the Pageant for all kinds of damages, including religious persecution and slander and SETTLES FOR NOTHING when a masturbation tape is brought up!!! And she went on Sean Hannity and called it the “worst mistake of her life”. Then like 7 more videos and 30 more nude pictures are released!!!!!

And then there’s this:

She seems like she was coached and just sticking to the “line” she was given. “It’s inappropriate, Larry”.

Now there is nothing inherently “wrong” with taking nude photos or whatever you want to do…I mean you are taking a risk but it’s your body, your risk and your life.

She is “the worst” because she has been on an almost year-long tirade about how certain “perverts” rights should be curtailed. She wants the right to get married, have kids, have sex with who she wants to, etc. She goes from “I’m sorry this is just my opinion” to commercials, speaking engagements, a BOOK?! I mean:

a) This is all very, very self-serving in THE MOST ugly way because in the beginning it just seemed like a personal opinion but then to make MONEY off trashing people’s right to life, liberty and happiness? How is that Christian?

b) So what she’s saying ultimately is that perverts don’t have the right to love but non-perverts have the right to make porn?

c) She just seems to be very self-righteous, ignorant and hypocritical.

d) She had the chutzpah it took to make almost 40 pornographic pictures of herself but then asked her boyfriend to tell the media that she was 17 when she made them so they can’t be posted. Since when is lying ethical?

I don’t know, my family are Christian and I was raised Catholic. Even if they don’t agree with same-sex marriage, they’d never want me or anyone else in a same-sex relationship to be unhappy or oppressed. And she is going out there on a “Christian” platform, representing a “Christian” idea. In other words, she’s making everyone look bad because she wants to make money. And she’s hurting a lot of people’s feelings to do it.

Sweetheart, you’re pretty. Stick with that. There’s a reason no one asks Kate Moss her political opinions. We don’t want to know and that’s good enough for her.

Another thing is that I feel kind of bad for her. If she’s 22 like she says she is, she has made a royal “Oops” of her life. You don’t know who you are or how you really feel at 22. What could have just been verbal diarhea has now turned into something she HAS NO CHOICE but to keep as a lifetime “moral” all because if she admits she’s wrong now, the wolves will tear her apart. Like these are the kinds of opinions a person has and then learns better when they make a friend who is gay/black/fat/disabled/whatever. They just don’t do it on national television and get blasted by like the nastiest man in entertainment (perez). So, yeah that sucks and I feel for her. BUT the commercial? The book? She’s taken it too far and become an accidental emblem of hate for someone like me which seems like the exact opposite of what she was trying to do, right? So who the hell does she have around her that is taking her down this path? She is STILL entitled to her opinion but WHOEVER is telling her to sue the California Pageant and book only anti-gay speaking engagements and write books and condescend to Larry King ONLY has $$$$ in their eyes. If she truly is a 22 year old girl, she is being taken for a frigging ride so that someone else can make money. Just as soon as whoever is pulling the strings cashes in, she’ll be dropped and we’ll still all loathe her. It truly is a damn shame. UNLESS she flips the script and becomes a fervent gay marriage activist…and then she’ll be the second coming of Mary. *Here’s hoping*