“Letting myself”

Christmas Day! – “The one with all the jammies”

Merry Christmas, boos! We had a great time on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We spent Christmas Eve at Kristyn’s Aunt’s house and Christmas Day at my Uncle and Aunt’s house. We had 48 hours of Yuletide joy. I was glad that I was able to eat a little bit of party food both days. I ate well in the morning and afternoon and then tried to make the best choices possible at the parties. I overdid it a little but am fine with it. It’s a relief to know that things can be “normal” post-op.

Christmas Eve – “The one with all the weasles”

Now let’s get to the subject at hand; “letting myself”. I have a real problem. You know how we tend to “save the best for last”? I do that with so many things in my life; even things that are good for me. If I buy a container of strawberries, I tend to let them go bad thinking that I should “save them” for some perfect point in time that doesn’t seem to materialize. If I want to go to a yoga class, I make up reasons why I shouldn’t. I do it with this blog, too.

For a long time, I stopped updating this blog because I was nervous about people that I know reading it. That was silly. But then, I got over that and stopped writing it because I didn’t feel like it. That was fine. Lately though? I want to write this blog but the problem is “letting myself”. I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t write too much or it will be annoying to others or that I have nothing to say or that I have more important things to do. None of that is true and even if it is…so what?

The one with all the faces.

Me, Kristyn, and my sister Christine had made the above photos using a filter and sent them to each other for a LOL. The other day, Christine made a calendar for my parents. The above photo is what she put in November 2020. On Christmas, my Uncle was flipping through the calendar and said “OMG, imagine that there were this many of you all? I’d love that!” I said “Well, if there were that many of me, you’d get annoyed because of all the talking we’d all do.” He said “I’d absolutely love it. There’s nothing I’d love more.” It was such a sweet and loving thing to say. It struck me that I always assume that no one (besides Kristyn) wants to hear anything I have to say. I mean, I didn’t realize that I felt that way. Eye opening.

The one with the Christmas Tree

One more thing, I’ve finally lost a little over 50 pounds. I don’t feel like I look much different but I feel so much different and better. It’s made it all worth it. I heard back from the doc today that my nutrition/vitamin levels are fine but that I should up my B12 to taking it twice per day instead of once (and I’ve already done it). I also increased the Wellbutrin as of last week and am waiting to see if that gives me more energy and focus.

Today and tomorrow I’m letting myself rest after so much frenzied holiday revelry and then I’m going to go back to trying to declutter the house. First we’ll have to peel back at least one layer of Christmas detritus that has accumulated made up of gift bags, wrapping paper, and tissue. We’ve already put our gifts away but the stuff we used to wrap gifts for everyone else is all stacked up in the bedroom. If I’m feeling up to it, maybe I’ll try to do it tomorrow before I flop back into my recliner to finish watching The Handmaid’s Tale (which is what we’ve been doing all day). Okay, I’m going to push the “publish” button. Gnite!


Pink hurr, Christmas tree, and Elvira.

I have to admit that I looked up synonyms of the word “slow” to find “sluggardly” but if the sluggard fits, wear it. I am still struggling with my energy, you guys. I’m not suffering like I was. I think the Wellbutrin is starting to work a bit because I feel a little more perked up than I did. However, I still cannot really focus to get much done. I feel like all I do is eat things, recover from eating things, take vitamins, recover from taking vitamins, shower, get dressed, put makeup on, and then it’s time to eat and recover from eating as well as take vitamins and then recover from taking vitamins. By the time all that fuckery is done, it’s almost time for bed.

Me and Sammie.

I WILL say, however, that I feel like I’m seeing an improvement this week. I’m at least getting dressed, putting on actual clothes, and makeup. Prior to this, I was only fully getting ready on the rare days we go out. Otherwise, I was wearing PJs all day. I’m hoping that getting dressed will eventually make me feel more spritely and able to actually DO SOMETHING.

12/12 moon at exactly 12:12am ET

When I say that I am not doing anything, I don’t totally mean that. I straighten up the house every day including making the bed, straightening up the living room, feeding the pets, maybe doing some dishes and sweeping. What I’m NOT doing is straightening up two rooms that really need it. One of the rooms was organized until I half-heartedly started going through clothes to see what fits and what doesn’t. I just have to finish that job. The other room is our study and it’s been a damn wreck for a year because it’s become our dumping grounds. Today Kristyn said “I have no clue how you’re going to be able to make sense of that room. HOARDER ROOM.” Tis true “HOARDER ROOM”. I mean, it’s not a hoard like you’d see on TV with fetid mummified cats falling out of the ceiling. It’s just stacks of books and boxes of craft stuff. BUT. STILL.


Pals, between the above paragraph and now, I took a two hour break. I’ve done nothing productive BUT I have watched the Impeachment Debate/Markup. It’s 8:26pm and I’ve been watching this since 9:30am. Jesus.

Also, I died my hair pink sort of. It’s a washout pink spray. It’s fine. Kristyn went to a holiday party for her department today. Here she is looking cute and holly jolly:

Sharp dressed “and”.

Okay, gnite! (FYI, I recognize that these blog posts are PREEEEETTY PRETTY boring but writing every day is making me feel productive and also, more importantly, they make Kristyn LOL. Feel free to say “Oh fuck off, we know about the hoarder room already, Coleen” and click off if you like haha. But also, thank you for being here and reading my bullshit because I’m back on it.

The L Word

Hi buddies! I’m popping in real quick to talk about The L Word: Generation Q and The Real L Word: Season 1. As you may know (if you are queer or queer adjacent), the Superbowl of Lesbianism was this past Sunday with the premier of The L Word: Generation Q. For those not in the know, this is a continuation of the original The L Word series that ended about ten years ago. THAT series was completely groundbreaking in so many ways because even though we’ve had increased lesbian (and definitely queer) representation on TV since then, we’ve had nothing solely dedicated to the lesbian community in a big way like The L Word was. I’ve tried to rewatch The L Word within the past few years and I’ve seen it so many times that I’ve made it unwatchable for myself. However, it was so formative for me and for other LGBTQ+ people who saw themselves in these characters. It’s honestly even one of the reasons we moved to LA. I mean, moving to LA was a goal that Kristyn and I both had separately for our whole lives and then became something we really wanted to do together. But still, The L Word became a big part of that.

The cool thing about The L Word: Generation Q is that instead of taking place in West Hollywood (like the original series did), it takes place in Silver Lake. Actually, we lived right there in Silver Lake at Sunset Junction. Literally, if you went down two blocks to Effie Street and made a left, our first apartment was on the right. Anyway, Silver Lake is a neighborhood on the East side of LA that is pretty LGBTQ+ and “bohemian”. It’s very residential and colorful with cute shops and coffee places. It’s gotten cooler even than when we lived there. I honestly loved living there and if we ever moved back, I’d look there first. There’s a lot of cool graffiti art around and everything smells like flowers. It used to be a little more grungy than it is now but that’s okay. It’s nice to see things continue to improve. Sorry, I really went on a side tangent about LA. This is all making me miss LA and want to move back there, blerg.

Anyway, The L Word: Generation Q was fine. I mean, I’m going to watch the shit out of every episode but so far, that’s my descriptor “fine”. This new series brings back three of the original characters and then fleshes it out with about five new characters. I’m not going to go into plotpoints or character details because that’s already been done handily by Autostraddle and Cameron Esposito in Vulture (and those should be your main sources for all things lesbionic). So this is just my opinion and my opinion is that it was very soapy. I mean, they jumped right into the deep end with period sex within the first three minutes of the series premiere and they made sure to pad the episode with people jumping each other’s bones. Great. Awesome. It’s nice to see different types of human sex portrayed on a screen and I’m for it. HOWEVER, there’s just something missing from this series so far. I think what’s missing is “fun”. I agreed with one review that it feels a little forced. There were a lot of “wink wink nudge nudge” dialogue referring to the series being gone for a while and now it’s back (har har) and I didn’t love that but again, it’s fine. I’m also not wild about the new “Generation Q” characters. There’s a character that gallops around like a puppy dog the entire episode. There’s a lesbian couple who ALREADY GOT ENGAGED AND HAD PERIOD SEX blerg. There’s a trans man who is actually the most likeable character so far (including the original cast members). There is Bette’s daughter who I don’t really feel like spending a lot of time with. There’s the one lesbian’s nefarious “Big Pharma” Dad. And oddly, there’s a lot of talking to Tina on the phone but no actual Tina. I’m gonna need to see Tina. This is bullshirt but I’ll keep watching it.

*Sidenote: I am GERDing right now. This is an unfortunate side effect of this damn surgery. Ugh.

Because we had to get Showtime in order to watch The L Word: Generation Q, we now also have access to everything in Showtime incluuuuuuuding…The Real L Word. Okay, you guys, I have some complicated feelings about this show. When The L Word ended, I was thrilled that they were coming out with The Real L Word which is a reality show produced by the same people who made The L Word about lesbians in LA. Since The L Word was such an integral part of the lesbian experience ten years ago (and still is), it was good to know that we’d have something to hold onto. Friends, this wasn’t it. I started watching this show when it came out; got a few episodes in and bailed. I’m not really a reality TV person to begin with but I kind of hated almost every person on this show. The ONLY people I liked were the really pretty chill one and her comedian girlfriend that has three kids. (Again, I’m not going to google names, etc because I just feel like going on about my own feelings about it.) There’s the “boring couple”, the annoying one who wears shades who “IS LA Fashion Week” (Mikey), braggart bully Rose (ugh), inconsiderate sexytimes one, and then the nice pretty one with the comedian girlfriend. The nice pretty one and the comedian girlfriend were NOT enough to sustain me and I signed off committed to never rewatching this show again. Until now.

Reader, I’ve become ensconced in Drag Race. I resisted it for the entirety of the show’s airing. I mean, I also started watching that when it started airing. Basically, The L Word stopped airing in around 2010, The Real L Word started airing in 2010, and I think Drag Race also started airing in 2010. There was a lot going on. Anyway, I couldn’t get into Drag Race either and swore it off until we went to DragCon NYC in September 2018. Well, that set us off on a Drag Race mission and we’re STILL not caught up yet. Oh we’re trying though. We’re currently watching Season 9 and have watched two seasons of All Stars. We’ve also watched all of Werq the World and UNHhhh and one million other things. We’re elbow deep in gay male culture. (Because let’s be serious; this IS all gay MALE culture. I know that plenty of people call it “gay culture” but women are a side element in this. It’s nice that it exists but there is a very limited lesbian representation here.)

SO after watching The L Word: Generation Q, I felt like it was silly not to give The Real L Word another chance. I’m six episodes of the first season in and I’m INTO IT. Frankly, I still am irked by a lot of the characters but time has made me soft and I have more compassion for them this time around. I’m enjoying seeing their lives. I even looked the people up and two of the couples featured on the show are STILL together. That’s pretty awesome.

Anyway, I’m going to keep power watching it and dreaming of going back to LA sometime soon!

Christmas Stories

This past Friday, we went to see our niece perform in a local performance of A Christmas Story: The Musical. The musical was put on by the town and kids from 3rd through 12th grades could be in it. There were like 60+ kids in the cast! They did such an excellent job too. So proud of her!

We also celebrated my Father in Law’s birthday. Linda put eyedrops in his eyes (see above). Also, it was the first time I’ve had a slice of pizza which felt like a non-scale victory in that I was able to eat all of the cheese and 75% of the crust and felt fine! My brother and sister in law apologized for serving pizza (completely unnecessarily) but honestly, I was really glad to try it in a comfortable setting (AND I’m just glad for their hospitality). I need to experiment with different kinds of foods to see how they settle. So far, I’ve been to a party at my Aunt’s house, to Thanksgiving dinner, and to this mini-birthday party and was able to eat anything that was served. This makes me happy to know that I can enjoy party food just so long as I have a smaller portion size. That’s fine by me. I actually had a little bit of birthday cake too. I felt fine, honestly.

On Sunday, we went the Shannon Rose. It’s a local Irish chain restaurant. Honestly, it’s the last place we saw my brother alive in October 2017. We hadn’t been back since. We decided to go only because it was close to the movie theater. Kristyn shed a few tears when we walked in the door but I was surprisingly fine. I will say, however, that we didn’t go into the room we hung out with him in or I might have lost it a little. Here’s a picture of that night:

After dinner, we went to see Knives Out. We were originally intending to go see Meet Me in St. Louis or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation but we felt kind of loosey goosey about it and spent too much time in the restaurant.

Knives Out was really good, you guys! It was a really fun movie to watch. I love mysteries like Agatha Christie (which it’s styled after), Murder She Wrote (which they played in the movie), and Clue. This movie wasn’t very close to Clue tonally but it was fun to watch like Clue; just in a different way. It was kind of like Wes Anderson meets Agatha Christie meets Clue. Overall, highly recommend even IF I was able to untangle the mystery. Basically, me and Kristyn make fun of each other because SHE is a “great TV watcher” and I am “not”. She figures out every mystery whereas I just like to go along for the ride (and therefore perpetually shocked and surprised by everything).

Today got sucked away by the Impeachment Hearings. I can’t even discuss it except to say that apparently we’re getting Articles of Impeachment in the morning! Jesus, finally. Okay, I think I’m going to “fanciful sleep” in the armchair in the living room with the Christmas lights on. I usually do it on the first day we put up the tree but I haven’t yet. Bonjour!

18 pills, Disney, and Drag

Hi y’all. I’m literally blogging so that I have something to do while I take my pills and vitamins. Every day I have to take 18 pills; 5 of which are prescriptions and 13 of which are vitamins. I’ve always taken a lot of vitamins every day but post-surgery, you HAVE TO. Because you’re eating much less, your body won’t get the nutrients it needs unless you take vitamins. It’s just kind of a safeguard to make sure that you’re as healthy as possible. Luckily, it’s not a change for me because I already took all these vitamins. The ones that I HAVE to take are a multi-vitamin, calcium citrate, B-12 and vitamin D. The ones I take because I want to are fish oil and probiotics. Then the prescriptions are all my normal day to day with the inclusion of one that stops me from getting gallstones; which is a potential known complication of this surgery. The PROBLEM about all of this is that I suddenly have difficulty swallowing pills. I never had an issue with it in my life but now it’s hard to choke them down. Even though I’m taking the exact same pills I took voluntarily pre-surgery, it’s now a trial and a tribulation to take it post-surgery. Part of it is that it’s insane to have so many pills in that tiny stomach pocket at one time but the other part of it is that something is up with my throat in that it seems more narrow. I don’t know why this is but my body changes so rapidly all the time now that I assume that it’s a problem that will resolve itself with time. For example, last week I couldn’t finish an entire egg and today I ate an egg and a half. Last week, I couldn’t cross my legs and this week I can (with some effort). Next week, I might be able to cross them with no effort at all. Who literally knows.

I should say that I am now 224 pounds which is a loss of 48 pounds total. I’m literally two pounds (or a few days) away from having lost 50 pounds! I was telling Kristyn this morning that even IF I didn’t lose another pound, this would still all be worth it. I don’t think I look much different objectively (see photo above – taken last week) but I FEEL much better in my body; much more “myself”. I am finding myself sitting in ways that I used to sit all the time that I couldn’t anymore because of my weight. That’s a really weird thing to say but it’s the truth. What I mean is that I’ve always been a really flexible person but the more weight I gained, the less flexible I became. I thought that was a result of ageing but no, it was just the weight. So lately, I find myself sitting cross-legged or sitting on my feet while in a chair and literally, I couldn’t do that before. It’s a small thing but it’s freeing in a weird and hopeful way. Literally, who the hell knows why some people gain a lot of weight and others don’t? But the reality is that it’s death by a thousand cuts where you don’t know how to fix it but things keep getting progressively worse in small ways that are difficult to share. Before you realize it, your body is a prison. It’s really odd and I’m really glad I went through with this gastric sleeve surgery. I’d do it again tenfold and would recommend it to anyone.

So also, as we mentioned, we got a Disney+ membership and have been binging the animated movies “from the vault. So far, we’ve watched 8 movies. We’re trying to watch them in order of how they were released but we can’t help but to skip some that we’re less familiar with or because we want to jump ahead to ones we’re reminiscent about. Snow White was more gorgeous than I remembered and I can see why this movie flipped people’s wigs back in 1937. The animation was gorgeous and much more sophisticated than you’d think but also, compared to watching Frozen and Frozen 2 the other day, it was also very…I don’t want to say “rudimentary” but in comparison, it was much more simple. It was funny and beautiful and I feel like I forgot so much of it. I mean, these movies you just assume that you know everything about them but the last time I saw Snow White, I was probably a teenager so 25 years ago?! Howevr, this was one of my favorite movies as a kid and a teen and Kristyn felt “meh” about it. In fact, she feels so “meh” that she won’t rewatch it with me. Foolish on her part.

So then we watched Pinocchio which is a movie that I think maybe I only THOUGHT I saw but actually didn’t? This was one of Kristyn’s favorite movies as a kid. The weird thing is that we had a video of Disney songs that showed clips of all of these movies so maybe sometimes I think I actually saw the movie but actually didn’t? It could also be that the last time I saw this movie, I was an actual child. IDK, Disney is so weird with their whole “vault” deal so when I was a kid, they’d only re-release movies at certain times so it wasn’t possible to watch them whenever you wanted. But also? Kristyn and I worked at Disney World for six months and have been to both Disney World AND Disney Land a million times so I think there’s a point of saturation that happens where you’re like, “Yeah I know what this movie’s whole deal is but honestly, I had no idea how Jiminy Cricket fit into the whole Disney pantheon so I can’t have seen this movie, LOL. Anyway, it was great and I’m so glad we watched it. 40 isn’t too late to watch Pinocchio haha.

So then we watched Dumbo which is a movie that we’d both seen. This was one of Kristyn’s favs as a kid because she was partial to movies about animals and I was partial to movies about people. This movie wasn’t really my deal; then or now. I’m glad we re-watched it but there’s nothing that helps me get into this movie. One thing I WILL say is that I had zero clue that it’s set in fucking Florida. I guess I’m used to Disney movies being set in England or somewhere in Europe that it made me legit LOL when they said they were in FLORIDA of all places but it makes a lot of sense because of Disney World; which I don’t think was a glimmer in Walt’s eye back then. IDK, anyway, that movie was a bust for me.

Then we watched Bambi while doing an arduous task. Bambi is one we’d both seen as kids and liked. It was one of Kristyn’s favs and I felt warm about it but could not go under oath to say it’s one of my favs. Honestly though, I’m glad we rewatched it. It was so beautiful and sweet and SHORT; only an hour or so long. The arduous task we completed while watching this was taking all of the lights off of our pre-lit Christmas tree. Last year, we had the ONLY drama with that lovely tree. After we fully decorated it, half the tree’s lights went out. To rectify it, we had to string additional lights on it but it looked terrible because we didn’t want to un-adorn the tree to do it which meant that we strung the lights on OVER the balls and garland and then tried to tuck the lights in to look like we hadn’t done it. Foolish. We also had a drama with it where we originally set it up in one place in the room that was different than where we normally put it but it was too close to the door and we had to move it mid-season. I am normally a “let’s keep it up for as long as possible” person but last year I couldn’t wait to rip it down. From mid-November onward, I’ve been looking for a new tree to replace this one; scoping out Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, looking in stores, looking at trees NOT on sale. Honeslty, none of them appealed to me like this tree did. Kristyn’s parents bought us this tree about five years ago in a post-Christmas sale. They spent $15 on it which I can’t believe but they swear is true. It’s 6.5 feet and came with pre-lit white lights and is SO foolishly easy to set up and take down. Plus, the needles on it are really varied and it makes it look real or at least very pretty. The ones I found online; even at higher price points just didn’t thrill me and I didn’t feel like putting up a real one this year. So we dragged the tree up from the basement and tried to fix the lights; replacing the burnt out bulbs with new ones. Too many bulbs were burnt out though so we gave up on that jobby and figured “It can’t be too hard to remove all the lights”. Wrong. Incorrect. Stupid. It took forever to do (well, the length of Bambi which is an hour long) and it was so meticulous. Still, we got it done and saved the tree. We just strung other lights we have on it and Kristyn said it looks the best it has in years. Debatable but at least we were able to eke another year out of our lovely tree and Bambi was good company to offset the drama.

I watched Cinderella alone because this is another movie that Kristyn is too good for, LOL. (She’s going to be mad at me for saying that.) This was one of my favorite Disney movies as a kid because it was the first VHS tape my parents bought (alongside ET) when we got a VCR. We watched the shit out of this movie. I put it on when I went to bed two nights in a row (because I’d fallen asleep before it ended). The music in this movie is really beautiful. I guess the story is just fine but this movie really takes me back to childhood because it was just a big part of it. I even wore a blue Cinderella dress to my senior prom because of it. It was a blue/silver dress with a tight bodice and a wide skirt like Cinderella’s was. If you’re a teenager and you get the chance to be Cinderella at your senior prom, you take it.

We watched Alice in Wonderland together. This was one we were both looking forward to watching but both felt a little “meh” about. I don’t think I ever saw this movie as a child but watched it as a teenager instead. This movie appeals to teenagers because there’s no rhyme or reason to it and it has a bit of a sinister vibe. That is EXACTLY what makes it unappealing to me as an adult. I WANT to have my heart warmed. I WANT to love the characters and shed a tear when something terrible or wonderful happens to them. There’s not really much heart to this movie which is fine, it’s just not my style. I mean, there’s no exposition whatsoever to this movie. It’s just “hello here’s Alice” and then “bam” she’s falling down the rabbit hole. And then kind of…why is she following the rabbit? Like maybe I didn’t pay enough attention but there doesn’t seem to be a solid reason other than curiosity that lead her to follow him and then when she IS there, everyone’s nuts. Eh, I probably won’t watch this one again unless it’s with a kid. I don’t hate it, it’s just not my “cup of tea”. Blerg.

Last night, we watched Peter Pan. This was one of Kristyn’s favs and I liked it alright as a kid. Frankly, I couldn’t get into the whole pirate thing. I think weirdly that I didn’t like Neverland much. It was too chaotic. I DID like the scenes when they were at home though. I guess I’m a homebody to my core. One thing, one MAJOR thing, that took us both by surprise was how much anti-Native sentiment is in this movie. It’s wild how we all, as a culture, just gloss over the racism of this movie and are like “Oh, it’s a wonderful fantasy!” GURL, they use the word “savages” and every single Native American stereotype possible. Even Kristyn forgot about this and it was one of her favs. Also? A tidbit? I worked at the Peter Pan ride at the Magic Kingdom. That ride ALSO glosses over the anti-Native sentiment. It’s one of my favorite rides there because it’s beautiful flying over England with the twinkle lights and the small houses. IDFK. We were both agog.

Last night we also watched Lady and the Tramp. Well, I watched the whole thing and Kristyn fell asleep so we’ll need to rewatch it again tonight. This movie was a fav of both of ours. I haven’t watched this one a ton but I remember liking it. I’m really really glad we watched this. It was sooooooooo cute! Shirley (dog) and Giles (cat) were into watching it too. They were legit watching the movie. It just was so cute. I had forgotten the ENTIRE plot which is that Lady is adopted by a couple and treated like their baby BUT THEN they get pregnant and start de-prioritizing Lady. Tramp is a stray who comes along and charms Lady and tries to show her the advantages to living a “free” life on the streets but everyone gets a reality check when they get sent to the pound and risk being put to sleep. Grim but real ish. I’d watch this again. This whole Disney+ thing is cool because you can put it on to go to sleep. All the movies, even the ones you don’t love, have nice voice acting and music to relax and go to sleep to. Partytime excellent.

So, if at night we’re being really wholesome and watching Disney movies, by day we’re letting our freak flags fly and watching the Werq the World tour documentary series on Wow Presents + while we eat or do anything in the kitchen. Honestly, it’s so good. I love watching these people perform and prepare to perform and travel the world. I wish I had a life where I could do this for a living. I love ethe fantasy and artistry of drag but I hate how it’s a closed door to women. I mean, you gotta push the damn door open, you can’t expect it to open without doing it yourself and there are plenty of people doing it.

One other thing I want to say about drag is that we watched Trixie Mattel: Moving Parts the other day and I’m weirdly proud of a drag queen I’ve never met. The movie was so good and so personal. She has just taken the shittiest things that ever happened to her and turned it into an art form that makes people LOL. I love and appreciate that. Her abusive step-father called her a “Trixie” to make her ashamed of being an effeminate boy and she turned that insult into a name and identity that helps lots of LGBTQ+ people feel better about the world we live in. That’s strength and resilience. Anyway, she’s really killing it lately with a makeup line, a YouTube show, a Netflix series, a standup show, this movie, a new album, and a new book coming out. Proud of her!

Anyway, THIS, cleaning, eating, taking pills, and exercising is what I’ve been doing with my leave of absence. I gotsta go in the shower now because we’re going to head to the movies and go to the supermarket. Maybe we’ll even drive around with the top down looking at Christmas lights. Later!

Happy Thanksgibbing, errbody!

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving. We certainly did. I actually had a pretty neat NSV (non-scale victory) in that I was able to eat a little bit of everything (including pie) on Thanksgiving Day. Naturally, I had everything in wee portions and took my sweet time with it but I was really glad to be able to do that. Since I decided to have this surgery, I was a little worrious (worried/curious) about what Thanksgiving Day would be like since it’s so food-centric. I guess my main fear was that I’d have to either not eat at all OR eat something completely different than everyone else was eating. Not so! I DID, however, skip dinner rolls and stuffing. Not worth the pain and I know that first hand because I tested a little piece of dinner roll a week or two ago. MISTAKE. God it hurt so bad. I didn’t want to feel that uncomfortable at Kristyn’s parents house so it was better just to forgo it.

Another thing I decided against was having a glass of wine. Two reasons for that: 1) The last time I had a glass of wine (at the Sleater-Kinney concert), it made me alarmingly drunk and then alarmingly nauseous. Didn’t want to repeat that experience and ruin anyone else’s holiday. The bigger reason I didn’t want to have a glass of wine was: 2) I’ve had a huge case of the spins this week.

Since I started taking the Wellbutrin this past Monday, I’ve been dizzy as hell. The first time I experienced it was on Tuesday. I was laying on the bed and turned my head to the left. The whole room swung with it. The second time I experienced it was that following morning and it was way worse. I jumped out of bed to turn off the alarm clock then decided to get back into bed for a few more zzz’s. When I put my head on the pillow, I totally lost focus. I couldn’t focus my eyes for about a full minute and the room was spinning. It was wild. At that time, I had no idea what the problem was and was concerned that it had something to do with my surgery. It happened a third time on Thanksgiving morning and when I had the wherewithal to google it, it turned out to be a side effect of getting used to Wellbutrin. So, I’ve been taking it a little easy since. It seems like laying down freaks my body out the most but I’ve also gotten a case of the dizzies standing up; like this morning. The other day, I entitled a post “Dizzy Bitch” because I kept feeling woozy and lethargic. That ain’t this. I just THOUGHT I was dizzy. That wasn’t dizzy. THIS is dizzy. Still, we had a nice Thanksgiving and I managed not to faint and freak anyone out. Wellbutrin = 0; Barr = 1.

We stayed over Kristyn’s parents house on Thanksgiving night and then on Black Friday, got up and got ready. We had brekkie with them and then headed to my Sister’s house to pick up my Grandma. We saw that babbies. Foof had his nose buried in a video game and Cam cried if I looked at him but it was nice to kiss those wittle cheeks even if the feeling isn’t mutual (LOL). We drove my Grandma home and then met Amanda. We had lunch at a little Mediterranean restaurant called MishMish and then did some Christmas shopping at DollyMoo and a couple of other stores on the way.

We went to see A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood too. It was such a weird/good movie. I mean, I knew I was going to love it because I love Mr. Rogers and Tom Hanks but it was much weirder and unexpected than I thought it was going to be. The story WAS about Mr. Rogers but as told through the viewpoint of a jaded journalist whose boss made him do an interview with Mr. Rogers for an issue of Esquire. It’s based on a true story and there was this awesome moment in the movie where Mr. Rogers asks the journalist to pause for a second and think of all the people that loved him that made him who he is today. The movie then paused for maybe a solid minute as we all did the exercise with them. It was incredible. At the end, Mr. Rogers says “There, now I feel better”. I did, too.

We’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I can’t do much else. I have that A-list AMC subscription that allows me to go see up to 3 movies per week for $20/month. It’s been really helpful for me at this time because I’m always stuck in the house, I have no energy, and no money either. It’s a nice way to “get out” and feel like a person without zapping myself of all strength. It DOES still take it out of me but not that bad.

Speaking of the movies, we went to see Frozen 2 on Sunday with Foof, my sister, and mother. God you guys, it was GORGEOUS. I didn’t get into Frozen-mania and honestly didn’t even see it until the other day. I thought I had because Kristyn and I put it on twice and twice I fell asleep. We got a Disney+ membership the other day so I watched it and realized that I had not seen it at all the prior two times we tried. I really liked it! So then we went on Sunday and god what a beautiful movie. I love love loved the animation and the story even better than the first movie. It snowed that day too so that was cute. More importantly, Foof liked it too. We went to lunch after at Red Robin and then headed home to avoid the storm.

Okay, I gotta g. I have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do. I swear, I’m so wiped out lately that I don’t end up getting dressed and ready for the day until like 4pm (if I’m lucky) and then I can’t get started with my day until like 7pm and then it’s time for bed at 10pm. It’s taken me five days to write this blog post and literally there’s nothing going on. It’s taken me five days to decorate the tree and it’s still not finished. Actually, we have half Thanksgiving decorations up and a Christmas tree. I’m going to try to make a go of getting shit done today. I might post a little bit later on today too if I remember. This post is way too long so I’m going to cut it here LOL.

Little stinker

The little stinker is me, you guys. I saw my doc yesterday and am now going to go back on medical leave through the end of the year. On one hand, I’m glad for it because I am not myself and I need to get well. On the other hand, I feel so guilty and sad. However, THAT’S the kind of thing that won’t serve the first hand so I gotta get past that.

This time on leave, I think I’ll need to try to do some things that help me feel accomplished because I think it’ll help me; mind, body, and soul. I have to straighten up that front room because it’s been a mess all year and straightening that up will be good for my mind and body. I have to sell some things because we have way too much stuff and getting rid of the clutter will be good for my mind. I need to make some things because it’s good for my soul. I need to exercise and take Shirley for walks because it’s good for my body (and hers).

I know that cynical people will criticize the fact that this is happening over the holiday season. This can’t be helped. Honestly, it would be nicer if it happened during the summer because then I could go convalesce at the trailer. I relax way more up there because there’s less to clean and to do. However, I do love the holiday season so I’m going to lean into joy. We do have a few things planned:

  1. We’re going to Kristyn’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving.
  2. We’re going to pick up Grandma on Black Friday to drive her home.
  3. We’re going to hang with Randy on Black Friday to buy some gifties and go to the movies.
  4. We’re going to our niece’s play.
  5. We’re going to the Great Wolf Lodge for our nephew’s birthday for the night.
  6. We’re going to Kristyn’s Aunt’s house for Christmas Eve and to my Aunt and Uncle’s house for Christmas Day.

Other than that, I’m sure I’ll be decorating, cleaning, and trying to get as healthy as possible during this time. Hopefully I can read some books. I couldn’t do that the first time I went on leave. I just couldn’t focus on anything. I can’t now either so I hope that changes. Also, I say I’m going to do all of the above but lethargy is something I’m having trouble with. I say I’m going to do all of the above with the conviction that I don’t want my health to get in the way. I hope to do the above to build my strength or because I WAS able to build it. We’ll see I suppose.

What I know I WILL definitely do is get in my protein, liquids, vitamins, shower, and dance lightly to the Dick Van Dyke Show (until I run out of episodes and then it’s onto something else).


Palaroonies, I’ve got a lot on my mind lately but one big, bright spot is the fact that it’s the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas are a wee bit tarnished (in some respects) by the fact that Charles had to up and kick off this mortal coil on Thanksgiving weekend 2017. HOWEVER, that’s not his fault and it’s no reason to dislike an innocent holiday over it. This time of year is always a time for missing people though so I’d be doing that no matter when he died. I HAD been hoping that would never happen and that he’d have died after me when we were both old and dotty but alas.

We went to see Last Christmas last night and loved it. I don’t know why it’s getting panned online other than that the patriarchy doesn’t want to see a female-lead movie EVER. It was really sweet and funny. It was about becoming a better person by being kinder to others. Co-written and co-starring Emma Thompson, directed by Paul Feig, and starring Emilia Clarke? I don’t see a thing not to like. In fact, I want to watch it again RIGHT NOW. *fist pound*

I’ve been going to the movies a LOT lately because I have that AMC A-List membership. Truthfully, I’ve had it for over a year and hadn’t really been using it until recently. When I went on medical leave for my surgery, I just started using it because a) there were a lot of movies I was interested in and b) because it’s an easy, low impact thing to do to GTFO my house. My review of the program is “eh”. It’s been fun to see so many movies but it’s also been a pain in the neck to use the site, the app, and customer service when the site and the app inevitably don’t work. Blerg.

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use

Yesterday, we also got out of the house and ran some errands earlier in the day. We took Monster and Shirley (above) the vet so Monster could get some quick bloodwork done. Shirley just came along for the ride. Then we went to Starbucks for breakfast, to the new Ulta near our house (to be lookiloos), and then to Kmart to buy some things. I bought $10 jeggings. A non-scale victory is that I went down a pants size which means that all my damn pants were falling off my hide. I’d been meaning to buy a few pairs of cheapie pants to get me through but I didn’t dream I could get away with buying some for ten beans. They’re pretty cute too, shockingly. We picked up Monster’s prescriptions and also went to PetSmart.

Because we did all that yesterday, I had zero energy today. I keep saying “Coleen, go clean things.” “Coleen, go shower.” “Coleen, go do ANYTHING.” However, I’ve just been in a weird cycle all day of just eating things, watching stuff on YouTube, and wandering around. I DID fold some clothes, put some away, and put some to the side to go down to the basement. I DID (eventually) shower. I DID do an assessment for a coding bootcamp I’m interested in. I DID exercise. I DID play with Monster and Shirley while playing Christmas music for a while. Oh, I also straightened up the house a bit. I guess, moreover, not an entirely unproductive day. (I’m also writing this meandering blog post right this second.) (Oh AND I talked on the horn with my Dad.)

Oh, one thing I should mention is that I have forgotten to pick up the Wellbutrin (because I have no focus) so I do apologize for this highly unfocused blog post. It’s more for me than it is for you, anyway, reader (the post AND the Wellbutrin). I just happen to be that looliebird who’d rather publish her diary to the internet for all to see. I’m sorry to this man. I feel like writing more but legit have nothing else to say right now. All I can think of is that I want to watch Last Christmas again. See? My brains are mush right now. Okay, I’m going to go put on my weighted blankie and watch TV. If another brain fart bubbles up, you can bet your bippie I’ll be back.

Dizzy bitch

I posted this on my weight loss instagram account but I’m really struggling, you guys. Bodily, my doc thinks I’m fine. However, I’ve been so weak and unable to focus. I think it’s maybe the fact that your body goes through a lot of hormonal changes with this surgery which can cause depression and anxiety which causes fatigue and brain fog. Also, depression and anxiety caustes fatigue and brain fog. It’s a perfect circle of fuckery.

I went to a Psychiatrist yesterday and they prescribed me Wellbutrin to help with the focus and depression. They filled it today so I’ll go pick it up and start with it. The side effects could be actually be anxiety (LOL), nausea, and weight loss. Well, those three side effects are already in full effect because of the surgery so this should be interesting. I’m hoping hoping hoping it works.

I should say that I’m not in any danger; mentally or physically. It’s not THAT bad. What it IS is draining and making me feel so guilty. I feel like I SHOULD be healed. My surgeon’s office basically told me to suck it up. I get why they’re saying it; physically, I’m fine. I’ve healed great. They can only focus on my physical health and since the surgery went great, they say that fatigue is something everyone goes through and I just have to push through. I wish it were that simple. The PROBLEM is that I started off dealing with depression and anxiety and I think this just has exacerbated it. I went into this being treated for both so they approved me and that’s helped me immensely. However, you can’t solve for every single problem. I’m going to see my GP on Monday and see what he thinks. He’s the one who recommended me for this surgery so he knows a thing or two about it. He might also advise me to suck it up OR he might know more what I mean than they do. I guess we’ll see.

In the meantime, I’ve been working from home a lot and taking time out of the office. This makes me feel terrible about myself but sitting staring into space in front of my computer also makes me feel terrible. I’m able to sit and write this now because it’s just stream of consciousness and doesn’t matter. If I have to commit my brain to anything else, it just doesn’t work. Kaputsky; shuts down.

This too, shall pass. You might be wondering why I would put something so personal on the internet when it’s not even 2008 anymore. Well, I ask myself the same thing. However, I think that even in the waning months of 2019, it’s still important to share first hand messy personal experiences for my own later recollection but also (and more importantly so) to help other people who might be going through a similar thing. Like it says above; let go of anxieties and do you, boo.


Pals, Momma ain’t herself. I’m fine, I’m not fine. I’m energetic, I’m “low energy”. I’m nauseous, I’m not nauseous. I’m all over the place this week. I ended up not going to work both yesterday and today. Also, I’m having trouble focusing on anything. I mean, I’m not in any danger of a medical emergency; I just don’t feel well. I slept on and off all day yesterday. I did manage to hang a pair of curtains that I’ve been meaning to, though, so that made me feel productive. I’ve been needing to put up those curtains because the window has been bare for about a month and it’s been FREEZING in that room. That literally took five minutes and I laid back down haha.

I’m currently trying to take my vitamins and gagging. I’ve never had trouble taking vitamins in my life but now, every time I do, I gag when they go down and I have to resist throwing up when they hit my stomach. It takes forever to get them all down. I’ve been trying to get these vitamins down for at least an hour now.

If I’m feeling better later, maybe I’ll try to straighten up our “study”/”office”. It’s been a dumping ground for basically all of 2019. Although I’m not feeling well, I really don’t want to lay down all day. I’d like to be up and moving around and I feel like that room might be easier to organize than I think it will.

I’m watching Day 2 of the Impeachment Hearings. Yovanovitch is a very credible witness; so diplomatic (of course) and factual. She’s not willing to assume anyone’s intentions. This is wild. I listened to some of Day 1 of the Impeachment Hearings and couldn’t pay attention to it for some reason. I don’t know if that’s because I’m having a difficult time focusing in general or if it’s because I’m so fed up with this entire thing. Basically, we know what 45 and his cronies did. They’re just laying down the facts on the record. It’s depressing that anyone could still be defending these criminals. I don’t know many people who do but the ones I do are close family members who cannot understand why I won’t discuss it with them anymore. The reason is that I lose respect for them every time we do. Eh, I don’t want to talk about it.

One thing I do want to talk about is sneakers. I excercise every day and have for a long time HOWEVER it’s ridiculous exercise; dancing in front of the TV watching a sitcom every morning. It’s not intense exercise. It hasn’t made me lose weight. What it DOES do is stretch my body out, get my blood moving, and make me start the day feeling good. Lately, I’ve started walking on the treadmill and then recently I even started jogging on it. The weird thing is that I refuse to put on socks and sneakers to do it. Kristyn is going to kill me because I’ve been walking AND jogging on the treadmill in slides. I know this isn’t a bright move but I just don’t want to put anything between getting me on the treadmill. SO, I’ve been trying to think of what kind of slip-on shoes I can wear to walk/jog on the treadmill without socks. I DO have a pair of Vans slip-ons but they’re a half size too small; not ideal. I DO have a few pairs of Converse that I could wear that aren’t slip-on BUT I could not lace them up all the way so that they’re easy to get on and off. This is a ridiculous problem because if I went to the gym, I’d put on my running sneakers WHICH I do absolutley have. Perhaps those can slide on and off easily? I should unearth them and try. It’s dumb that I had to tippy type this out on a public forum to identify that solush. See? Brains are not firing on all cylinders.

Okay, it’s been three hours and I finally just finished my vitamins. Jesus Christ. Okay, gonna go for now and try not to hurl. Bye!