Dizzy bitch

I posted this on my weight loss instagram account but I’m really struggling, you guys. Bodily, my doc thinks I’m fine. However, I’ve been so weak and unable to focus. I think it’s maybe the fact that your body goes through a lot of hormonal changes with this surgery which can cause depression and anxiety which causes fatigue and brain fog. Also, depression and anxiety caustes fatigue and brain fog. It’s a perfect circle of fuckery.

I went to a Psychiatrist yesterday and they prescribed me Wellbutrin to help with the focus and depression. They filled it today so I’ll go pick it up and start with it. The side effects could be actually be anxiety (LOL), nausea, and weight loss. Well, those three side effects are already in full effect because of the surgery so this should be interesting. I’m hoping hoping hoping it works.

I should say that I’m not in any danger; mentally or physically. It’s not THAT bad. What it IS is draining and making me feel so guilty. I feel like I SHOULD be healed. My surgeon’s office basically told me to suck it up. I get why they’re saying it; physically, I’m fine. I’ve healed great. They can only focus on my physical health and since the surgery went great, they say that fatigue is something everyone goes through and I just have to push through. I wish it were that simple. The PROBLEM is that I started off dealing with depression and anxiety and I think this just has exacerbated it. I went into this being treated for both so they approved me and that’s helped me immensely. However, you can’t solve for every single problem. I’m going to see my GP on Monday and see what he thinks. He’s the one who recommended me for this surgery so he knows a thing or two about it. He might also advise me to suck it up OR he might know more what I mean than they do. I guess we’ll see.

In the meantime, I’ve been working from home a lot and taking time out of the office. This makes me feel terrible about myself but sitting staring into space in front of my computer also makes me feel terrible. I’m able to sit and write this now because it’s just stream of consciousness and doesn’t matter. If I have to commit my brain to anything else, it just doesn’t work. Kaputsky; shuts down.

This too, shall pass. You might be wondering why I would put something so personal on the internet when it’s not even 2008 anymore. Well, I ask myself the same thing. However, I think that even in the waning months of 2019, it’s still important to share first hand messy personal experiences for my own later recollection but also (and more importantly so) to help other people who might be going through a similar thing. Like it says above; let go of anxieties and do you, boo.

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