What do I want for my Birthday?

37th Birthday.JPG

Us in front of the foggy river. I’m intentionally making my head the smaller one which could not be farther from the truth. It’s why we’re LOL-ing in the picture.

This year, I turned 37. It was kind of a weird transition for me. I’m not bothered by age but for some reason, this one sort of did. I guess it felt very, definitely, adult. I don’t often feel “very, definitely adult” so that was odd. Normally, Kristyn and I go on a road trip for either of our birthdays. This year, all I wanted to do was go Upstate and relax so that’s what we did. It was perfect. It rained all weekend and all we did was lounge around and read. I finished two books and read two others. I painted and crocheted. We watched Maude and drank tea. We napped while the rain tapped on the roof of the trailer. Oh! We went to the drive-in movie theater and saw a double feature (something about a pet dragon and Life of Pets). We also took an extra day off of work to make it a long weekend. It was everything I wanted. Also, Kristyn gave me great gifts: Clue on DVD (which we watched), a little Holtzman doll from Ghostbusters, the first Babysitter’s Club graphic novel (which I read), and a Fitbit Blaze (which I’m currently wearing). It was awesome. She also gave me an ice cream cake and balloons which was really sweet.

I have had sort of a difficult year. I say “sort of” not to downplay it but to give it it’s proper due. Objectively, it’s been a good year with some bumpy patches. I’m having difficulty with some relationships with people who are close to me. Something about the way they left things with me made me see them in a very different light. I’ve realized that I’ve been entirely too accommodating to these two people; to my own detriment. I am suddenly feeling very clear-headed about the situation and that makes me feel better but it also makes me sad. I feel better because I have realized that theirs isn’t a burden that I need to carry. I think now that I’ve realized that, I ought to be able to make better decisions for what I need. It makes me sad because it’s going to take a lot of work to defend my boundaries in a calm way. I think it’ll be worth it though. I definitely can’t keep going the way that we were.

In my 36th year, I allowed myself a lot of self-reflection. I am still working on that too. Mostly, I freaked out a lot because I finally finished school and didn’t have a clue what to fill that time up with. I let myself enjoy reading again. I (sort of) got back into being creative. I started exercising for the pleasure of it. I started treating my body a lot better (though there’s work to do there yet). We got a doggy. We spent a lot of time Upstate relaxing. I put a lot of energy into my job. We started socializing more. I think it was a productive year.

In my 37th year, I want to take action on my interests; no more time for reflection, just action. Amanda Palmer said that some years are “inhale years” and other years are “exhale years”. My 36th year was an “inhale year” after several “exhale years”. I owed myself at least one. I suspect that part of 37 will also be “inhale” but that when I’m ready to exhale, I’ll know it and the winds will blow everyone’s hats off.

I guess that “what I wanted for my birthday” was peace. I want to clear my mind, body, and soul of negativity and toxicity. This year, I had a lot of space for thinking. It’s the first time that I’ve had that in a long time. It was maddening sometimes. Life is a lot easier with multiple distractions so you never have to think, feel, or make decisions. I’m grateful for it though. I hope that 37 is an exciting year.


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