The Architect

June 28 - Monster

Picture of Monster by Kristyn.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “responsibility” and “boundaries” lately. Specifically, I’ve been trying to think of where my responsibilities begin and end and also how to set up and stick to boundaries so that I can live the kind of life I want to. When I say this, I’m talking about in all areas of my life. I’m talking about “responsibility” and “boundaries” as they apply to my own personality as in “Do I take on too much or too little responsibility?” “Do I set appropriate and clear boundaries?” “Is there something about me that undermines my own authority?” It’s a hard thing to manage because every person you interact with has an established idea of who you are and what you are responsible for. At what point do you stop letting other people assign identities to you and take a measure of control over who you want to be?

I have been feeling really dragged along by life lately which is basically an unfair characterization because I’m literally the architect of everything that’s happening in my life. Basically, this is a really lovely time in my life on almost all fronts. I know that I’ll look back on this time fondly. However, I guess what I’ve truly been seeking is “balance” and “contentment”. “Balance” I was aware that I was seeking. Kristyn nudged me into realizing that what I’m actually seeking is “contentment”. Like look at Monster (above) and Shirley (below). THAT’S contentment.

June 28 - Shirley

Picture of Shirley by Kristyn

I read an article the other day (and I wish I could find it) that basically said that achievers are always plagued by stress, anxiety, and depression. If you are the sort of person that doesn’t need much or strive for much apart from exactly what you currently have, you’re in good straits. If you’re the sort of person who strives for ANYTHING, you’re doomed to stress and anxiety.

The weird thing is I know how to make myself happy and calm. The weird thing is that I won’t let myself. Basically, I need to sit down and CREATE something. Art has always been meditative to me. I love sitting and meticulously creating something that didn’t exist before, then standing back to see the effect. It doesn’t have to be any particular medium; I’ve experimented with a lot of art forms (just not recently). I think that art is the only thing that truly clears my mind. I become so focused on the project that my mind can’t race with all the “supposed to’s” that are always cluttering it. I can’t flit from one thing to the next because I’ve surrounded myself with the accoutrement of whatever endeavor I’m working on. I think I’ll pick something and work on it tonight. Actually, blogging kind of makes me feel the same way: sense of accomplishment, creating something that wasn’t there before, living in the moment. I’ve missed this. It’s something that definitely makes me feel better and for that I’m grateful.

P.S. Kristyn took Shirley to the doctor yesterday for a checkup appointment and she weighs 18 pounds now! We only adopted her in April (three months ago) and she was six pounds then. She is literally three times the size of the dog we brought home three months ago. I think she’s busting out of the collar and lead we have on her. I don’t think she’s done growing yet either because girl is only five months old haha.

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