Lately, I’ve been putting too much stuff on myself. When I say “lately”, I mean “always”. Yesterday, I had a weird string of thoughts. I was at home sitting in the study with Kristyn after a full day’s work. There was nothing going on and our only decision to make was what to eat for dinner. We had nowhere to be and nothing to do short of changing into comfortable clothes and enjoying each other’s company for the rest of the night. But still, I felt anxious like I should be “doing something”. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. And then I delved deep into thinking about life, specifically how short it is and therefore, I should always be accomplishing things. Then I kind of snapped out of it and though about how lucky we are to even have one day and that I shouldn’t worry about spending each day worried about what to do next. I should just be present and enjoy it.
This kind of taps into an existential dread that we all have, “Am I doing enough?” I will list to you all the things that I am CURRENTLY trying to improve on:
- Be a better puppy Mom which includes walking her, training her, and having fun with her.
- Wake up at 5am every day.
- Go to the gym at 6am every day.
- Swim 3 times a week.
- Do yoga a few times a week.
- Meditate twice a day.
- Write every day.
- Dance every day.
- Get 8,000 steps on my Fitbit every day.
- Eat a healthy breakfast every day.
- Do three excel classes.
- Do six other “go at your own pace” online classes that I’ve recently signed up for.
- Go to the two writing classes I signed up for next week.
- Start the online writing class I signed up for in July.
- Apply to grad schools (which includes gathering all the correct documents, getting references, and writing essays).
- Go back to dentist.
- Go to myriad other doctors to look into the various ways that I think my health can be improved.
- Read 52 books in 2016. (I’m up to 20.)
- Spend more time hanging out in the yard.
- Take a mini MBA at Rutgers.
- Go to the trailer every weekend.
- Attend various concerts I’ve bought tickets to.
- Take care of Elvira’s health.
- Paint the living room.
- Paint the dining room.
- Paint the study.
And the list goes on and on and on. I’m not even putting work goals on this list. In that life, I have a totally separate other list of things to accomplish. I wonder why I can’t relax. I’m going at a crazed pace; or at least my mind is. I’m not really accomplishing as much as I want to. I just keep dreaming and plotting and thinking. That said, I am chipping away at some of the items on this list just not to the perfectionist standard that I’d like. THIS is what’s making me feel like I’m “forgetting something”. In order to accomplish all these goals, I’d need to be working constantly. Obviously, some of these things are pleasure and relaxation-based but there’s work to all of it. Nothing worth anything comes easily, right?
The point to all of this is that I just need to RELAX. I need to remember that my best is always good enough. But even there, I don’t have to give “my best” to everything. “My best” can sometimes be overboard and at the total exclusion of other things. Guys, this is the bad side to perfectionism; nothing gets done because “if it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing”. Perfectionism makes you not want to get started because you “can’t possibly move forward until we have all the details”. NO. Done is better than perfect in almost every case. Let go, let go, let go.
Speaking of which, I just finished dancing, am well on my way to 8K Fitbit steps, I wrote this blog post, took Shirley out, am going to go have my healthy breakfast, and am going to go call my doctor. It’s 8:26am. I’m incorrigible.