Guys, I’m having an anxiety attack. I was fine but then Kristyn started doing a rapid-fire impression of the people in our town and for some reason, it sent me into a panic attack. I know she was just doing it to make me LOL but for some reason it made my brains fry. I think she got offended but I can’t help it. I’m still in it and I can’t calm down. After taking all of those Women’s and Gender Studies classes for my major, I am seriously traumatized by people’s narrow viewpoints and staunch desire for things to “always be as it was”. My town’s Facebook page is full of nice people sharing memories which I like, but it’s also full of old racists who moved away and don’t like the “demographic” that’s moved in. We always make fun of those people and often do impressions of them. I don’t know why this time it freaked me out. I guess it could be two things: 1) We were looking at a plan for some changes to an area of our town that people were commenting on. I was happy about the changes but the crabby stuff people were saying in the comments was just so effing typical, obnoxious, and aggressive. I’m sick of all these blowhards. 2) I just had a lot of coffee and maple syrup so many I’m having a caffeine and sugar-inspired panic attack. Both things are probably contributing.
Anyway, to try to calm myself down, I came into the bedroom to play with my laptop and pull a card. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to pull a nice card since I was in such an effing lather. I was right. The card I pulled is the V of Swords. I don’t know what it means but it’s not great. The card is going to be difficult to explain. First, I was going to say that there’s no color on the card but on second look, that’s not true. There is a rusty orange color in the mostly black border. The background of the card is all vertical, parallel lines of black and white. The card makes you want to tilt your head and look at it sideways. There are five swords on the card and two worms. The swords are all in shadow. There is one large, wide sword in the center of the card that is horizontal. The point is towards the left and the hilt to the right. Above the horizontal sword is a worm in a sort of backwards “S” shape. Two swords are behind it or underneath it. The are in a diagonal position with their hilts to the left and their points at the horizontal sword. Below the horizontal sword is another worm. This worm is in sort of a “C” shape. There are two swords underneath it or behind it as well. These swords’ hilts are to the right and the tips are to the left. These two swords are crossing one another. When you look at the worms, it’s clear that it’s really one worm that’s been cut in half. The worm is much bigger than the swords which seem mini in comparison. This card makes me think of splitting one’s self into two. Maybe, it’s a feeling of being pulled into two directions. It also makes me think of the phrase “cross-purposes”. The image is sort of haunting although there isn’t much going on here to indicate that.
The book says, “Self Destruction.” “Yet another card of warning, the five of swords depicts the destruction of the self. You’ll be lured into another situation or argument you know to avoid. Your selfishness and desire for power will lead you to defeat. Pain and dischord will result.”
Oh no. Ugh. I can’t wait this right now. I need to calm down, not investigate anything that’s going to stress me out. I’m going to choose to ignore this card right now. I need to get my spirits up. We have a three day weekend ahead of us. I want to have fun goddammit! Okay, I’m ending this post because it was stressful.