I’m in a pretty good mood this morning. I got enough sleep, walked on the treadmill, meditated, and now I’m writing. I also chose the II of Wands which is pretty good. I’ve chosen this card before but I don’t remember what it means. There are two natural branches made into wands. They are in a position that would make you think of two people standing close together and touching the tips of the wands together. They are making a triangular shape. In the background, there are horizontal, parallel lines that are the color of the rainbow in ROY G. BIV order. This card is very equal, very harmonious, and very pleasant to look at. It’s weird because I almost felt like this card chose me today. It was sort of prominently sticking out of the deck and I didn’t want to choose it for that reason alone so I tried to pick something else but immediately went back to this card. I’m glad I did. If I were to try to make sense of what this card means, I would assume that it is giving me a quick chuck on the chin for actually doing what I was supposed to do today. I’ve been slacking all week. I need to get to the bottom of my need to constantly thwart what I want to do.
The book says, “Determination, Direction.” “With the two of wands it’s clear you’re on your way to success. You’ve focused in on a goal and have boldly pointed all efforts in that direction. Since the suit of wands deals heavily with the mind, take this time to become aware of your thought patterns, specifically towards yourself. What is the quality and tone of your thoughts? Mostly positive or negative? How well do you treat yourself on the journey to your highest dreams?”
Whoa. I really DO need to examine my thoughts. I’m weirdly self-destructive. I mean it’s not that I’m wildly going out and self-harming by drugs, sex, or whatever other things you think of as “self-destructive” but I AM self-sabotaging. Whenever I set myself up with a goal that only benefits me, I will do it for a little while and then will actively refuse to do it on some level. Last week, I exercised, meditated, and felt great but didn’t eat right. Prior to that, I would eat right but refused to exercise or meditate. Throughout all of it, I’m writing and reading which is good. But even with the reading, sometimes I’m finding that I won’t allow myself to do it as much as I want to. It’s weird because I can do some of the things, but not all of the things. I think I have to be patient with myself though. I’ve been working on focusing my time instead of just letting it fritter away. That’s a big deal in and of itself. I’m going to sit with this and think about it some more.
Right now Madonna’s “Into the Groove” is on and it’s making me want to dance. I think I’m going to go do it. Okay, I went and did it and it was a lot of fun. Using the BiPap machine, I don’t have a lot of crazy energy like I had hoped (or like I perceived that I did in the beginning) but I AM starting to move around a lot at night. I often find myself getting up and dancing around in front of the TV or marching around the house. Or wanting to get up and work on something on the computer. Like my mental focus is improving I think. I think that the more that I use it, the better my life will be. I’m really comfortable wearing it too. I still sometimes feel suffocated by it but I’m fully used to the routine of it. That could also be the “transformation” that’s taking place. When you have Sleep Apnea, you’re not breathing at night, which means that your body is losing oxygen. This can lead to a ton of different health problems like weight gain, exhaustion, loss of mental acuity, heart attack, and stroke. I’m lucky that I caught it when I did. I don’t care if I have to wear it forever. If it makes me feel better, that’s worth it.
Okay, I’m going to GTFO.
And remember everybody: