A Gahdamn Alarm Clock

Guys, before I get up and move around for the day, I wanted to tell you something. I’ll tell you what’s made all this getting up early possible:

A goddamn alarm clock.


For our Christmas Secret Santa, we I asked for this alarm clock and my brother in law bought it for me. It’s the same exact $20 alarm clock that I had all throughout junior high and high school. Like every other idiot, I’ve been relying on my iPhone to wake me up for years. The issue there is that you put the phone under your pillow or on your nightstand or wherever within arm’s reach of your bed. Then you hit the alarm off six thousand times and go “I don’t know why I can’t get out of bed.” Literally the reason is “because it’s warm and comfortable.” Shocker. Imagine my surprise when I put the alarm clock across the room, had to get myself out of bed to turn it off, and next was like “Well, I guess I’m up.” That simple, my friends. I’m still stunned.

When my parents saw this alarm clock, they groaned. They were like “OMG, not THAT alarm clock again!” When I was a pre-teen nerd trying to do things like get up at 6am to read and exercise (like my 36 year old current-day nerd self), I asked for this same damn alarm clock and they bought it for me for Christmas. It literally never stopped working and I have no idea what happened to it. I think I threw it away eventually out of that sense of “Well I’ve had this thing for long enough I suppose” feeling. But, I missed it and I’m glad to have it back. It’s had some mild technological upgrades (in look only). However, despite the exterior modernization, there is literally nothing different about this model than the one I got when the Bangles “Eternal Flame” was on the radio:

Legitimately, that was when I got this alarm clock. I just looked it up and “Eternal Flame” came out in 1988 which means that I was 9. I wasn’t even a nerdy pre-teen. I was a nerdy 9 year old. I have a specific memory of sitting on the top bunk trying to make my bed, which if you’ve ever done that before, you know how difficult it is. Try sitting ON TOP of a bed and making it. A disaster. We’d just gotten these bunkbeds and holy shit did I feel lucky. AND THEN. AND THEN I got an effing alarm clock. I felt like such an adult. My Mom had decided to paint our bedroom purple and get us purple covers and pillows and sheets to go on it. We took down the horrifying clown painting and replaced it with a unicorn poster AND a Bon Jovi poster. I mean. What. In this particular mem, it’s a sunny Saturday morning and I’m struggling to make a neat bed and I have the alarm clock radio on with “Eternal Flame” playing and I feel like I’m the boss of my own domain. Fecking incredible.

I guess what I’m saying is “Buy a gahdamn alarm clock, guys.” One other thing I want to say is that I want to eventually upgrade to this crazy expensive alarm clock that just wakes you up by beaming light at you. I don’t think Susannah Hoffs can help me with that alarm clock but we’ll always have that Saturday morning mem together. Or, at least I will. I doubt she remembers that.

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