Today I pulled the XII The Hanged Man. It’s another major arcana card. I’ve rarely pulled this card, if ever. It looks like a doom-y card to me. In the darkness, a bat hangs upside down from a branch in slumber. He opens his eyes momentarily and his eyes glint red in night. You’re both startled but he doesn’t move; opting instead to watch to make sure you’re not an enemy. Having heard rumors about him; you do just the same. For real though, this card makes me think of helplessness. A hanged man hopes for respite, sees none coming, and continues to hope and plead for help anyway because he has no choice. A bat hangs upside down to sleep. It is his resting place. I think I take this card to mean that I need to be less dragged along by my life and take time for comfort and rest.
The book says “Sacrifice, Letting Go.” “Many people talk about the art of “letting go.” But what does it really mean? How to you achieve it? The hanged man has all the answers, he’s the master of non-attachment. This card implies there’s a sacrifice, a difficult or painful situation coming up in your life. Though you naturally want to resist and struggle through it, be more like the hanged man. Find stillness, open your eyes and use this new perspective to learn something. You’re stuck here either way.”
There are a few things that have been on my mind lately concerning paranoia over a loss. Like I’m going to lose something but I don’t know what yet. However, I choose not to take the card at its word. Instead, I am going to take it to mean that I should stop struggling so much. I need to take things less to heart. I need to not be so affected by other people’s stressors. I need to be more present in my actual life and not as present in my work life because madness that way lies. The card is right; I need to find stillness. My life is pretty fruitful right now but I’ve always been a person of “abundance.” Whenever there is something good, I want it to be “more.” Lately, I’ve been trying to appreciate simplicity and “good enough.”
As a perfectionist (the mental kind not the exacting kind), I want everything to be perfect or NOT AT ALL. This is something I’ve been working to overcome for my entire life. I think this struggle is within all of us. I don’t think I’m special. I think it’s the darkest, most destructive impulse in human nature. It’s the thing that tells us that we’re never good enough, other people are never good enough, nothing is ever good enough. One lesson I learned in LA is that if you have a place to live, a shower, one good person in your life, food on the table, and a goddamn pulse, you have more than enough (not in that exact order of priority but you catch my drift). Anything else is extraneous distraction. My Mom used to make me take a shower when I was sick because she said that it always makes you feel better. I’ve always found that to be true and so I follow that piece of advice today. That advice is effective because it is simple. I am just a person and it just takes water to change things. Anything that’s going on in my life is 99.999999% in my mind, whether good or bad. If things are negative, douse yourself in water. Instant upgrade, instant refresh.
Anyway, another thing I’ve been trying to do lately (and have been varyingly successful) is to be in touch with my body. If you’re the sort of person who hasn’t been in contact with your body for a while, it’s illuminating when you eventually take the time. While meditating, I’ve found that I can actually feel the blood flowing through my fingers. If I pay attention, I can feel air moving through my body when I breath, sometimes deep into my abdomen. I realized that my sinuses are somewhat closed off in my throat. I don’t know what that’s about but I wouldn’t have realized it if I weren’t focusing on paying attention to it in that moment. I certainly can’t feel it now but when I direct my focus onto my throat, there it is!
At work, we have a meditation club. I’ve been a few times but not many. I had the most extraordinary experience there once that I’ll always remember. The club just meets in a conference room, we sit on office chairs around a big table (shaped like an A), and turn off the lights. One of my colleagues that I don’t know guides the meditation kind of instructing us about what to consider. One time I realized I was stressed out and ran in almost a little late. I felt sheepish because I didn’t want to disturb anyone. I sat down and hurriedly started meditating. As unrelating as that sounds, I drifted into the meditation very easily without realizing it. As I was following the guide and paying attention to the room, a diamond appeared in my mind. I went through it and was hovering over the New York Thruway heading upstate. I was high over the green treetops with a small mountain on my right hand side. I was completely at peace watching the cards drive up and down the mountain. Then I pulled back through the diamond and it closed. I’m pretty sure that part of this was part of the guided meditation but it felt as if it really happened. Once in a while I find myself thinking about “that time I went through the diamond and hovered over the NY Thruway” as though it is a part of my corporeal memories. I don’t think of it as literally as that. I just see the diamond and the hovering like how my mind drifts back to the memory of me trying to get my crocheted Miss Piggy doll off a high shelf when I was a kid. It’s just a part of my catalogue of memories now.
Anyway, that’s the type of stuff I need to do, disconnect with stressors and connect with my personal life (Kristyn, hi!) and calling things like that. If something nefarious should come about, I’ll be more prepared. If something nefarious doesn’t come to light, then I’ll just be happy.