Hi guys, I’m so sleepy today. I don’t know why but I was pretty stressed out after yesterday’s appointment at the Dietician and the conversation really wasn’t that difficult. It was fine. I was doing great and then the holidays hit. She wasn’t even punitive with me over that. I guess I’m just having a sugar addict’s response to being told one must now go to rehab, “I DON’T WANNA!” This too, shall pass.
Anyway, I did get up early and go on the treadmill again. It was painful today for some reason. As you can see in the picture above, I’m tired. I intentionally closed my eyeballs to convert my internal “Oh God.” I think this translated into picking a dark card. When I look at the Father of Cups, I also think “Oh God.” He’s a dark horse (goose) sitting alone. A singular, unshadowed cup hovers above him. Only the goose’s beak is in red. I think this card stands for reconciling dark thoughts. This could be due to my own surly nature at the moment but who knows? Also, I have never ever pulled this card before so I have no idea what the book says.
Shall we find out? The book says “Diplomatic, Open Minded.” “The father of cups has a truly unique dynamic personality. He’s the most feminine of all the fathers within the tarot and usually a patron of the arts. He’s a dignified man who supports his family and a community. The only thing holding this man back are his deeply rooted insecurities…they are vast and affect his personality in many unpredictable ways.”
Okay tarot, you’ve done it again. This card is me. I am pretty diplomatic and open-minded. I’m also a lover of the arts. I do have a lot of insecurities but I try not to let them rule my life. In a lot of ways, they don’t. Some insecurities, I just push to the back of my mind with force, others I embrace as assets, but some I just let totally take over my life, let alone my mind. I have a tendency towards the paranoiac. I’ve definitely been called “paranoid” by more than one person in my life. It’s not of the delusional variety (I don’t think). But then, who knows it when they are being delusional? I am over-analytical sometimes. I think this gives me a bent towards thinking that I “know” what another person is thinking or feeling from a place of total conviction. Sometimes I’m right, other times I’m not. OR if I’m right, it might just be a passing feeling on the other person’s part. If they’re temporarily annoyed with me and I pick it up, I might go into an entire analysis about this person’s permanent feelings towards me and begin to get melancholy only to realize that although the kernel of annoyance was true, the feelings were fleeting. I guess this has its merits because I am forced to confront how important this person’s feelings are to me and I can choose to evaluate and improve my behavior or disregard the information.
That last part, “disregard the information,” is a new one for me. I used to consider every relationship to be equally important. To this end, I used to be scrambling to figure out why anyone didn’t like me and trying to improve even the most tangential of relationships. At this point in my life, I’ve realized that this is a fool’s errand which not only takes you further away from your goals, it can negatively impact the actual positive relationships you have with people you care about. It’s taken me a while but now when someone doesn’t like me – and I also don’t like them – I can quickly take the time to acknowledge the situation, determine my feelings about it, then move on. This other person’s rundown of my person doesn’t have to define my day or my life. Oftentimes, that old axiom “There’s no second chance to make a first impression” (or ones like it) sinks into our hearts and creates drama that isn’t true. Although you ideally would love to make a great first impression on every person alive, it’s not possible. There are some people for whom you cannot possibly make a good first impression. Their dial is set at “Impress me and then we’ll see how I like you.” I envy those people because my perennial dial is set to “I’ll like you until you prove otherwise.” It’s gotten me into trouble but I feel like it’s a more “diplomatic” and “open-minded” approach. The people who expect you to impress them are coming from a place of self-protection, probably having been burned before. Perhaps I’ll get there. I think a healthy medium is probably the best medicine and I’m on my way.
A few years ago, I got into a spot of trouble with friends that I thought were much closer than they actually were. Meaning, I had taken their proclamations of love as fact (as you do) and I had poured myself into the friendship as a result. But when things hit the skids in my personal life, they were out of there like a shot. Turns out, they were fair-weather friends and not true friends. I realized that it’s too easy for people to burgle my friendship; to come into my life, share it, take my time and energy for their own benefit but then leave when it was most advantageous for them. I realized that it was my own damn fault, too. Hyper-analyzing the situation, an image of a small house entered my mind at one point. I realized that homeowners often have a front door to their house with a lock. Outside of that front door is a porch with a screen door on it. Outside the screen door is a front yard. Surrounding the front yard is a gate. Outside the gate is a sidewalk. Anyone is allowed on the sidewalk. If the gate is open, some people may open it and enter into the yard. The mailman, a familiar stranger, will enter the yard, open your mailbox, deliver your parcels and leave; maybe stopping to wave. A neighbor will open the gate, walk up to the house, open the screen door and knock on your front door to tell you that it’s street cleaning and suggest you move your car. A friend will open the gate, walk up to the house, open the screen door, knock on the front door, and come inside to share your life with you but leave and only come back once in a while. A family member will open the gate, walk up to the house, open the screen door, knock on the front door, come inside, share your life with you, and stay a while. While this is a busted analogy, you see where I’m going with this I hope. You can’t just let anyone into your life and treat them like family or a friend. You need to have levels of intimacy that protect you from ne’er-do-wells. You should only invite those that have proven that they can be trusted into your life. This is a difficult dance because sometimes people ARE trustworthy until they are not. However, if you have a screening system, less cads are likely to get in.
Anyway, this went a long way away from insecurities and turned into paranoia. I think it’s a good line of thought to go down though. Kristyn and I were just having a conversation about paranoia last night. We’re cut of the same cloth; always imagining the worst. We make fun of how quickly the other sinks into panicky scenarios where everything that’s been built can come tumbling down if one small thing goes wrong but then we both do it. We’re both crazy, haha.
Anyway, I have to go get ready for worksies.