I wanna go home!

UUUUUUUGH…I realized yesterday that we’ve been here for almost two years already! To be straight with you, I want to go HOME. I am hitting the wall of living in LA where I am like, “I hate this place and I’m ready to leave.” NOW I understand why people bag on LA all of the time. Anytime you talk to someone they’re like, “Ugh, this place sucks.” And, up until now, I’ve always been like, “No I love LA!” And I meant it. And I actually still do. But it’s crazy because LA has this kind of death grip over anyone who moves here. I’m sure it’s like that when you move anywhere that’s not “home”. It’s like you don’t want to be here and you don’t want to leave. To stay here means to be without your family and friends. To stay here also means to live with all the stupid little injustices that come with living here. The people are different. The food is different. The weather is different. And it’s a city which automatically makes it a place that people come to when they WANT something. But on top of that, it’s LA, the ULTIMATE in WANT when it comes to living in a city. I am living in a city where everyone WANTS the same damn things. Everyone is fighting over the biggest, shiniest toy in the sandbox and why did I put myself in this position? I’ve ALWAYS tried to be the person who stays the funk AWAY from the shiniest thing simply BECAUSE I don’t have the nature/drive/stamina it takes to wrest it away from everyone else. Well that’s not necessarily true, I do when I really really want something but here competition is really stiff. I am doubting my committment to making this life happen for myself. It’s VERY high stakes because it’s personal. You don’t go into this business without loving it and wanting to be there. I’ve never in my life gone after something that I have TRULY WANTED before. Therefore, it was kind of easy to detach myself and have a small part of myself say, “Well this isn’t what I want anyway so it doesn’t really matter.” But now it DOES MATTER. And that makes it hurt more when things don’t go right.

The highs and lows out here are dizzyingly high and staggeringly low. Take yesterday for instance. A friend of ours was working on the MTV Movie Awards. He offered us tickets. We didn’t go because Kristyn had to work and I didn’t want to go without her. Trust me, she tried to force me to go but I kept thinking how bad that would suck to be stuck at work when I’m at the MTV MOTHERCRUNKING MOVIE AWARDS. So that is an example of how awesome things are. We live in a place where we can just be casually offered tickets to the MTV Movie Awards and then have the option to turn them down. No matter what you think about the MTV Movie Awards, THAT is an awesome perk of living in LA and working in this industry (and of course, the kindness of friends, thank you Justin!). But the lows of living in LA and trying to get work in this industry? OMG do you remember Welfare-gate 2011? I’m heading right back onto the dole line after this temp position is over. I’m trying to put my ducks in a row for when this ends but it’s hard because I don’t have a real date it’s ending, don’t want to push it and ask and don’t know whether they’ll offer me another temp position when this one ends or show me the door. Really anything can happen.

And THIS is why I don’t know if it’s worth it. Trust me I LOVE seeing famous people. You can’t NOT love that and come here and if you say you don’t, you are a liar. It’s just a little innocent thrill that you don’t get in other professions. I’m not putting these people on a pedestal or bothering them. I rarely speak to these people when I see them unless it’s polite and professional to do so, ie. asking them if they need something, saying hello or whatever it is I’m told to say to them. In this position, I don’t ever see anyone famous, I’m just talking about in general. And when I see someone out in real life, it’s usually just a passing thing. The absolute MOST I’d say to someone is that I’m a fan and that’s only if I seriously am. Ain’t no shame in my game with that. So, for me, this is another huge perk. I like the numbers game of seeing famous people. Like for every famous person, there is another non-famous person wondering where that person is right now and here they are with me. Haha. The odds of that are astronomical since there are so many people on planet earth. To be standing next to a person whose day to day activities are tracked via the media is a weird sensation to say the least. Detractors of celebrity culture are always quick to criticize and say that you are too “in awe” of this person who is “just a person”. But that’s an easy criticism to make. I’m not “in awe” of these people (most of them anyway), I just think it’s fun and funny and it is. Of course, I AM in awe of super talented professional people who’s work I admire. I AM in awe when I happen to be in the same room as a living legend, how can you not be? But for the most part, I’m “in awe” not really of the person themselves but of the fact that I am a person who is blessed enough to meet and sometimes shake hands with her idols. These are people who have the courage to do the things I wish I could do. They make people happy with their art and I think that’s awesome.

So yeah, thinking of giving some of that up kind of scares me. The consolation is that if we moved home, we’d work in New York. It’s not like there’s NOTHING going on there haha. In fact, the people we’d meet there are more our speed. New York seems to be a little more political and philanthropic. It’s not that we fancy ourselves this way, we just like meeting people like this. I guess it takes the bitter taste out of the celebrity a little. The “celebrity for celebrity’s sake” shit you find out here. In NY, you can meet Gloria Steinem (and we did). In NY, you can go see the Clinton’s speak (and we did). In NY, you can go be in the same room with LGBTQ icons like Murray Hill and feminist icons like Kathleen Hanna (and we did).

Blargh, this all sounds pretentious. There’s no way to talk about this shit without it sounding pretentious. And that kind of sucks because, for me, I’m not doing any of this stuff to please anyone else or to change anyone’s opinion of ME. I’m doing it because it tickles me. For me, it’s like how sports fans go to a Mets game on cap day. And cheer for the team and wear the hat. And take pictures of the field. And line up to shake their favorite pitcher’s hand (if they allow you to do that, I don’t know).

Growing up, my Dad was a huge sports fan and a huge music fan. My parents used to go to see concerts and to sports events all the time. My Dad would FREAK OUT if he saw someone on the Giants out in the wild (even though that wasn’t his team). I guess what I’m saying is I grew up in a “fandom” household. If you go into my Dad’s closet, the sheer volume of Jets, Mets and Rangers paraphernalia would knock you over. And in fact, my whole town was filled with sports fanatics, it just never passed onto me. I don’t get sports at all. I don’t judge it though, I just don’t understand the game so it’s hard for me to derive enjoyment out of watching it on TV. LIVE EVENTS THOUGH? That’s a different story. I will go to a live event for ANYTHING. I’m one of those stupid people who would’ve gone to a public hanging “just to see what’s going on”. NOSEY. Also, conversely, usually I hate any kind of herd mentality. It bugs me out when a crowd of people go berzerk at once over something BUT I love the infectious herd mentality at live events. It’s impossible to NOT have fun when twenty thousand people around you are singing and laughing and rooting for the team. So much fun.

Anyway, I’ve gotten off-topic. Whatevs. The point is, I miss home and am kind of bummed out that this LA nightmare has to continue for another two years until we get our diplomas. BUT we will endure. Everyone we talk to here is always on the verge of LEAVING FOREVER! My ex-boss has been here for about ten years and he told me and another intern, “You will never get over the feeling that maybe you ought to go home. You will never ever stop wondering if you wouldn’t be better off back there.” One guy that I used to work with just flew off with a humanitarian organization because this industry made him batty. He left the company and he left LA and went to the Phillipines or some shit haha. Oh LA, you make us crazy but you are so pretty and warm. Being here is like being on “Lost”. It’s pretty here, there are other people here, you don’t really know them though and you don’t know if you can trust them or not, you’re not sure where your next meal is coming from and you really OUGHT to be able to appreciate your beautiful surroundings and gorgeous people around you but you’re too jacked up on anxiety, suspicion and self-doubt to relax (unlike SAWYER). Manipulations are rampant, sometimes you put a ton of effort into something and then some weird villain comes out of nowhere and takes that shit from you…sometimes you go only a little bit out of your way and find out about a whole new other thing you had no idea was there. Yep, it’s like Lost. Oh also, you lose time up in this piece. That’s another thing my ex-boss said. “When there are no seasons, it’s like you are living in one super-long month. Next thing you know, four years have gone by.” THAT STATEMENT CHILLED ME TO THE BONE. Haha. Okay, time to go, bye bye now.

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