Day One Hundred and Fifty-five

I just wrote a whole post for this and when I hit “Publish”, WordPress deleted the post and signed me out, no idea why. So here is what you get instead (man was that other post charming).

Here I am giving the camera “Frog who looks awful sorry for herself”:

And here is a picture that I took on the highway to actually remind myself of how much resentment I had for LA in that very moment haha. Sick AND dramatic, rare quality:

So here’s what I said before, in a nutshell:

I realized that no one or no thing can make me happy. I have to choose to be happy and then FORCE that shit to happen. When I think of good times, I revert back to parts of 2008 and 2009. I had EVERYTHING and went EVERYWHERE and had so many people around me. Now I have nothing, never have fun and am always alone. BUT even when I had everything, I still managed to scream out “WHY ME?! WHY…ALWAYS…ME?!” on an almost daily basis. Even with everything, I still found reasons to bitch. So the bottom line is this, having stuff makes it EASIER to be happy but it DOESN’T CREATE HAPPINESS. True happiness comes from within and it’s something you have to FORCE INTO EXISTENCE. So that is what homegirl is gonna do. I’m gonna put myself face down in a puddle of happiness. That’s me. The girl in the yellow puddle of joy. That’s me, grin firmly in place while someone blasts passive-aggressiveness in my face. There I am, giggling all the way to the Welfare office. I know that sounds demonic of me but f it. I’ve learned in the past that if I slap a smile on my face and find shit to chuckle at all day, I actually AM dumb enough to start believing I’m happy and then…suddenly I am. There are times that Kristyn has actually questioned my mental stability because of how little I’m worried in the face of absolute catastrophe. At times when my back is totally against the wall, I’ve learned to just take stuff step by step. Pull myself out of a hole using to-do lists, positive action and total abuse of watching/reading/listening/witnessing things that make me laugh/feel creative/feel productive/feel responsible. Even if I end up on the dole again, I will do it in the MOST LIGHTHEARTED WAY IMAGINABLE!!!

Oh craziness, you my only friend…

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