I just realized that I haven’t really been taking any pictures lately, except for the ones of myself that I slap up here. I guess I subliminally didn’t really want to document this time in my life because of Nana. Things are finally starting to settle down a bit from everything that happened in April and my life is feeling a little more “normal” again. That said, last night we discussed a plan we’d been talking about the week we found out that hospice was coming to take care of Nana. The plan was just to fix, upgrade or replace Kristyn’s laptop and had nothing to do with Nana but it was weird because as we were discussing it, I had a little thrill of fear. I think the fear of Nana’s death got kind of hooked onto the conversation about the laptop because that’s the way I was feeling when we last had that conversation so when we brought it up again, I felt the feelings that I had the last time we discussed it. Isn’t that weird? Anyway, it made me realize how much stress I’d been carrying around that is no longer there. I mean there is a new stress in the form of sadness and loss but it’s much less heavy. It made me think about the nature of our feelings regarding death. I think the fear of it is worse than the actual experience, at least in situations like Nana’s where she lived a full life and went in peace.
I also had another thought. The other day, we were talking about life and how it “is”. When we were in our teens and early twenties, all we wanted to do was party, just like every other kid. And we felt, in that time, like SORRY for people older than us who didn’t want to party. Like when you’re that age, and you don’t have much in the way of responsibility and you’re young and you’re having a good time, you don’t see why it should EVER end. And you see people that are older than you spending a Saturday night having a cup of tea with their parents or with family and you think, “I NEVER want to be like that. That is the epitome of boring.” But as you GET older, you start realizing the benefits of this life. Well, no, let me back up. As you get older, the experience of partying “gets old”. You start to learn that some of your friends aren’t as good of friends as you thought they were. You don’t rebound as quickly from the late hours and the drinking as you used to. You start WANTING things, like promotions, and partying only holds you back from that stuff. Before, the pros outweighed the cons. Now, the cons outweight the pros. You get your own apartment and you get burned by some friends and you experience stuff that makes you realize you want to experience something else for a change. I wonder if “life” is like that. I imagine it is. From our young perspective, we can’t FATHOM somebody welcoming death. Why WOULDN’T you want to be here, on planet Earth? The best planet? Haha. But once you establish your life and achieve all the achievements and raise your family and do what you’re gonna do, after a very long time, why WOULDN’T you be curious about what the next part is? And it’s not like you’re gonna be alone. In Nana’s case (and in the case of everyone who is very lucky), she was going to be with her husband, her siblings, her parents, her friends…What’s to be scared of?
None of these are earth-shattering thoughts but I just have been thinking a lot about life and loss. Both Nana and my Mom told me that life passes you by very quickly and that’s true. There are times when I feel like I was just a kid a second ago but I have to be aware that time is constantly moving. I am not a person who hates my age. I made a vow when I was a kid to allow myself to be whatever age I AM when I AM it because you only get to be 12 once or 21 once or 30 once. What’s funny though is that I turned 31 this past fall and that didn’t phase me. Turning 30 didn’t phase me, in fact I looked forward to it. But the other day I realized that I will be 32 in the fall and THAT fng phased me. I FEEL the clock ticking and I NEED to get this show on the goddamn road. I am hyper-aware of the nature of time these days and I want to make the most of mine.
Anyway enough with the heavy, I didn’t know I was going to write all that out. I guess my brain just needed to scoop some of this shit out and my fingers did what my brain told them to do. So yesterday I did a lot of good work, only a few little mistakes, nothing huge. I definitely feel more myself and only prone to very occasional fits of self-indulgent grief crying haha. But I have it more under control thankyouverymuch.
After work Kristyn picked me up and we went home to pick up the laundry. Kristyn found a laundromat that is actually way closer to our house than the one we’d been frequenting. It also has a lot more cool stuff near it AND is quicker. We did our laundry and had pizza. We watched a telenovela at the laundromat. Lots of shocking stuff happened. We came home and put some stuff away and then went to the supermarket to pick up a few spare groceries. We came home and decided to fanciful sleep on the couches while watching 30 Rock. It was a good day.
Here is a picture of me and my messy bangs. I need to give those bitches a trim:
Here is a picture of a sign that was outside my job yesterday. Men were dangling above cleaning windows and I just liked the sign:
Oh, also, on Mother’s Day, I spent the day redecorating the house a bit. The curtains we had hanging were a disgrace and we had some clean white ones stored from our old apartment. I spent Mother’s Day hemming the curtains and meticulously ironing them while watching “All in the Family” in honor of my Mom, Nana and Grandma. They are big on that kind of stuff and I’m not so I figured it would be a nice way to spruce stuff up and feel like I was with my family. I will take pictures tomorrow. It really looks nice in there!