April has been an extremely exhausting/memorable month. It boggles the mind a little bit. I don’t even know why I’m writing this because I don’t even know what to say about it yet. I want to write my own memorial for Nana. I took pictures of a lot of Nana’s pictures while I was home the first time earlier this month. There are some great ones and I want to take the time to craft a post showing moments in her life and sharing some of my own memories. I know that this blog is not of importance to anyone but me but I eventually want to export this entire thing and get it printed and bound in a hardcover book. You can’t trust technology to stay permanent and I know that, like anything else, wordpress will eventually go under and we will have to transfer our blogs somewhere else and that’ll be that. OR I will get to a point where I don’t feel a need to write my life down in such a public space (I’m kind of already leaning that way). But for the time being, Nana’s passing happened during a time where I am keeping painstaking inventory of my life and to not memorialize here in this space would be something I would regret later.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about is how many pictures I take and the temporary stability of such things. When people took pictures on film, they had to get them developed and make prints of them in order to see them. With digital photography being king, we just immediately have the pictures to view. We upload them to a website to store them on their server (aka Flickr) and don’t think about it. When that website/server eventually gets taken down, so do years of our memories. I am already very acutely aware of this problem and need to start going through everything and getting prints made to hang onto. I would kind of like to make a bound book of them too because it would be neater but I think that it’s nicer to have a copy of it to hold in your hand and share. I don’t know, whatever.
What I do want to say though is that it’s funny to me that Nana’s death coincides with the Royal Wedding and the death of Osama bin Laden. It’s funny to me that Nana’s death will always be tied to such historic events in my family’s minds. I don’t think there is a mystical reasoning or link to any of this, it’s just kind of funny that whenever I think of such historical events, I will think of my Nana and whenever I think of Nana I will think of these historical events haha.
On Friday morning, me, my Mother, Father and Sister sat up and watched the Royal Wedding. My Mom and Nana had planned to have their own little Royal Wedding viewing party together. Get up at 4am, make some tea, eat some cookies in their pjs and watch the procession. Nana passed at 12:30 am on Thursday morning so clearly she didn’t get to sit in her pjs, sipping tea and eating cookies, watching the procession. We like to think she just hop skipped and jumped it on over to the Abby herself and watched it in person haha. But it was nice in a way that it all happened this way because we are all Royal Watchers in my family (part-time not professionals haha) and we were all bummed that we wouldn’t get to watch the Wedding in real time because we all had work. My father and sister went to Nana’s house early Thursday to be with my Mom. I booked a flight first thing in the morning when I got up. I travelled all day Thursday and landed at JFK at 11pm. My Dad picked me up and we drove down to Brick, getting there at around 1am. My Mom and Sister were up waiting for us. My Mom told me that we were going to have a Royal Wedding party at 4am like she and Nana had already planned to do. We were excited and it was funny because we were there for the party instead of Nana and we were happy to have a chance to watch it. I know that sounds funny to say but it was like Nana went at just the perfect time. Nana was a big fan of Easter, both for the religious and the party/decorating aspect of it. She stayed around for one last Easter celebration. Also Nana got to see everyone in the family before she died. She received the last of her guests this week and then I think once she’d seen everyone, she decided it was time to go. She was pretty independent (for someone in her advanced stage of illness) up until the day before she went. Then she stopped talking, then hospice said she had a few days left, then she went that night in her sleep. I like to think she made a determination that she was ready and just WENT. And that’s how she was, once she made up her mind, she did what she was going to do. And her wake and her funeral were just lovely. Really perfect and just the way she wanted them to be. SO MANY people there to pay their respects. What a seriously special person she was and I am just so lucky to have not only known her but to have her as my Nana. Love her so much.
And what’s more, I am lucky to have been able to go home not only to see her but to be there for her funeral. It was good luck that I got hired when I did and even better luck to have been hired (temporarily) by a company that allowed me to take the time to be there for her and my family when I needed to be. I am really missing Nana and it hurts a lot but I am also really struck by how much luck and good tidings are a part of this event. It should be tragic but there is just such a shine of good fortune to the whole thing that it really feels like everything just happened just as it should. Well I gotta go, there’s a lot more I have to say about this but I can’t take any more time right now.
I love you Nana!