Blue Today

Like I said earlier, my Mom called today to say that Nana is on her way towards bigger and better things for real this time.  It’s weird because I am both sad and happy about this.  Clearly, selfishly, I don’t want her to go anywhere but the truth is, she is already kind of gone.  She’s stopped talking to anyone.  They don’t even know if she can talk or how aware she is at this point.  Her nurse thinks it won’t be long now. What’s funny is that I remembered something Nana said to me while I was there just this morning.

Nana’s always had an 8×10 picture of her husband (my PopPop) in the house ever since he passed.  I was probably about 10 at the time.  Anyway, PopPop has travelled from the living room to the dining room and back a few times depending on where we need him at the moment.  While I was home, my Mother kept moving him around the house, trying to find the perfect spot for him.  He started out on the server in the dining room and moved to a side table to Nana’s right in the living room.  Then he moved to the side table to Nana’s left in the living room.  Finally, when no one else was there, just me, Nana and Mom, my Mom moved him to a shelf on the wall unit across from Nana so she could see him the best.  My Mom said, “Mom, I moved Dad over here so you can see him.”  Nana replied, “Oh he’s been coming and sitting at the foot of my bed lately.”  At the time, I just kind of brushed it off.  She was alert but sometimes confused and I thought she meant that he CURRENTLY is at the foot of her bed.  Like she was sitting in a recliner with her feet up, the recliner points towards the wall unit and there PopPop’s picture was sitting, hence he is “sitting at the foot of her bed”.  I think I didn’t want to believe at that moment that she was on her way home but thinking back on it, I love that.  According to my Mom, Nana has been seeing different people from her life that have already passed on.  This brings me an immense amount of comfort and happiness for her.  Nana’s husband, parents and siblings have already passed on and now they are welcoming her toward them.

Now guys I was raised Catholic and Nana is VERY Catholic.  She has spent her life praying for people, going to Church and saying the rosary.  Nana was my sponsor when I was confirmed into the Church.  I fell away from Catholicism pretty soon after I was confirmed (maybe a two or three years later).  BUT I am definitely a spiritual person.  I have seen and experienced weird things in my life so that I have NO DOUBT that something exists beyond the world that we know.  I don’t know what it is but I firmly believe what Nana is seeing is real and it brings me a lot of peace to know she will not and IS not going through this alone.  I mean people are physically there with her but it’s comforting to know that when it is time to leave this world, you have help on both sides.

Anyway, maybe this is too personal to be putting on my blog.  I don’t have any answers or know what is right in this situation.  I apologize to my family if I am oversharing.  I’ll take this down if you want me to, I’m just writing this to kind of organize my thoughts and I guess to thank those family members that are making this an easier transition for Nana both physically and spiritually. I know she’s in good hands.  With any luck, she will be able to let go within the next few days. She’s not in pain but Nana is nothing if not practical.  She is a person who knows when something is finished and is ready and prepared to move onto the next thing.  Nana has always been a person who can’t wait to “get started”.  I know that her not talking right now might be due to the fact that she is too sick to talk but I prefer to think it’s determination.  Determination to finish this project.  And this is how she sees death, it’s just a part of life and what comes next is an opportunity.  This is how she lived her life, making anything that came her way into an opportunity rather than something she had to bear.  Anyway, please say some prayers for her.

One more thing I wanted to say is that synchronicity is really REALLY playing a huge part in my life lately and I can’t get over it.  In this period of my life, I have been noticing a lot of strange coincidences and stuff lining up that ordinarily wouldn’t.  I got struck with the sense this morning that everything always happens just as it should.

And with that, my boss Hannah gave me this bouquet of flowers this morning for Administrative Assistant’s Day.  I was so touched by that, especially today, when I could really use some cheering up.

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2 thoughts on “Blue Today

  1. ebd says:

    i love everything in this post. i also believe that synchronicity in ones life means that you are doing what you are meant to be doing. keep it up. xoxo

    • buberella says:

      Thanks so much Don! I agree. It’s uncanny how many things just keep happening that complement another thing. Or how I will think of something and the next day it will happen. And all of the synchronicity to Nana’s passing is unbelievable to me. I’ll post more on that later. Everything happens just as it should, for real. *HUGHUGHUG*

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