Day One Hundred and Eleven

I felt like a J-E-R-K for staying home yesterday since I was already given a kindness in being able to go home at all but I’m glad I stayed home. I was a mess. Kristyn also stayed home from her internship (but worked from home) but the two of us were like sad clowns all day. We sat in our pajamas with that single Native American tear running down our ruddy faces all day. We were/are shell-shocked to be suddenly thrown out of LA and into our real homes in NJ with our families. We saw a ton of our families and had a really good time despite the fact that we were there under not ideal circumstances. So it was just as shocking to be suddenly thrown OUT of our home again and back to LA. We were only gone a few days but it felt strange and uncomfortable to be here again. What KILLS us is that Nana is still here with us but we just don’t have any more time with her. That’s it, the clock runneth out. Her hands, her hug, her voice, her whipsmart dry sense of humor, there’s more but I can’t have it. It’s my worst nightmare come true and we did it to ourselves. What’s more is that we KNEW this could happen but had to actively ignore the thought if we were going to get the courage to come out here. Nana’s had cancer for a long time but it was in remission when we left. It returned shortly after her 80th Birthday, which we were privileged to attend last year. But Nana was our biggest cheerleader. She didn’t want to us to go but was basically like, “What are you waiting for, dummy? Do this thing!” And we did. Yesterday we went over and over the implications of having done such a thing. There was some self-flagellation in the form of words like “Selfish”, “Pointless”, “Childish”, “Foolish”, the list goes on. But then we thought of my cousin Christopher who is studying at Cornell and my cousin Jonathan who will be going to Syracuse. Or my cousin Kelly who served eight years in the Marines. Or my cousin Danna (on the other side of the family) who is at Penn State and soon to be doing an internship at the Scottish Parliament. Or even PopPop, Nana’s Husband and my Grandpa who served in Okinawa in the Navy in WWII. Or my Uncle Ken who was in the Marines for four years. Kristyn’s own Dad served in the Navy in the Bay of Pigs. The point is, people leave home sometimes looking for something. An experience. A career. School. A way to better yourself.

I wouldn’t say that answering phones in a film studio is the same as being on deck in the Bay of Pigs Invasion but it made us put things into perspective. We are NOT the world’s worst people (though we feel like it) for wanting something for ourselves. It DOES suck that Los Angeles, California is 3,000 miles from anywhere in NJ (our family lives all over and NJ is so small that it’s useless to pinpoint one destination). But we DO have a reason to go home again. And we ARE lucky. We are lucky to have such nice bosses that would let us go. I am lucky to have had Nana as my Grandma at all for even one day. Kristyn is lucky to have had a second-chance Grandma in both Nana and Grandma Barr as hers both passed many years ago. We are lucky to have such awesome supportive families that care about us. We are lucky to have people somewhere in the world that WOULD bemoan our leaving and cheer our return. There are a lot of people in the world that are just excited to see the goddamn back of you.

Anyway, I am blabbering and I have work to do and I don’t want to cry again. I already had to jump up and go to the bathroom while writing this because the sad Native American tear came back. (Actually there were several of them.) Ugh, I suck. Sorry if this is too melancholy. And sorry to any of my family if you feel like this post is too over-sharey. If you want, I’ll gladly change it/take stuff out you don’t want online. I just feel like since this is kind of my weird diary that I shouldn’t be flip about this shit because it IS heavy.

Ugh, I’m gonna stop here. Need to put this on the backburner for a hot minute. Here is a picture of me looking H-O-T-T first thing this morning. Yes another cheater picture, forgive me, I’m useless.

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