A Pointless Gripe

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We only have one car. When I was like 19 my parents gave me a car and I drove it for about two or three years until it just totally stopped working. After that I never bought another one for a few reasons:

1) Me and Kristyn were living together, going to school together (exact same classes) and working at the same job. (Yes we’re crazy but it was fun.)

2) After a while, I left that job and got a new one in Hoboken. The best way to get there is by public trans. The street we lived on had a bus that ran right past it to take me directly to the train. That train left me off a block from my job.

3) We took a few years off of school but when we went back, Kristyn was working at a new job up by our school. I was able to take a train from my job to a station that was basically equidistant to her job and to school.

So basically the point is that we didn’t need to be paying insurance on two cars so I just put in extra for other bills and helped with gas since we relied on her car.

In LA, I *need* a car though, that’s beaming pretty clear. We’re going to see if we can budget me in a beater and insurance with what I make at this job. I don’t know if it’ll be possible but we’re going to discuss it.

At any rate, I’ve been driving all over LA bc of this new job. Kristyn’s been letting me take the car in the morning because we don’t want anything to mess this opportunity up. And she’s been taking the bus. But then I go pick her up at midnight or 1am when she gets out because I don’t want her taking the bus home. She offers but I won’t let her get possibly attacked by a crazy so I can get in a measly hour or two of sleep. But it’s a 20 minute to 45 minute drive either way. And I am making it four times a day. (We both work on the West Side but live on the East Side.) It’s EXHAUSTING. And I can’t have her get beaten up on a bus but what good am I if I wrap the car around a pole bc I’m driving while being almost asleep?

Believe it or not, all of the above was NOT the “Pointless Gripe” in question. Haha. The pointless gripe is with Supermarkets, namely the one we go to: Vons.

Vons, and a million other supermarkets just LOVE to advertise about their super easy to use just awesome great convenient grocery delivery service that makes your life easy and fun and free and worth living! But the reality is much more shady. I am nothing if not belligerently optimistic and believe it or not I have gone through this song and dance with grocery delivery on more than one occasion. It always happens like this:

We realize, too late, that we don’t have any groceries. We’re hungry, the cats are hungry and we’ve been too busy running around to realize supplies are getting scarce. So we hit a wall and realize we don’t have anything to feed anyone. Usually it’s at a time when Kristyn is running out the door or we’re exhausted and don’t want to leave the house. SO I optimistically think, “Doesn’t Vons/Pathmark/Foodtown/Shop Rite” deliver?!” And we go online and see that they do, excitedly go through the process of placing the order, putting loaves of bread and Nine Lives in our virtual cart. But, inevitably, at the end, there’s always a point where it says, “Oh you’ll get your order sometime tomorrow between 8am and 8pm.” Say what?! What kind of delivery service is that?! And this exercise in futility always ends up with me on the horn talking to a condescending grocery store manager basically insinuating that I am an awful lazy person for wanting to utilize this service and “What am I crazy for wanting my groceries today?” Like I’m asking too much. And I can never find a clear link to where their rules for ordering this shit is. And don’t even send me a link or I’ll kill you with my bare hands thanks.

So this morning we had one of those “the cupboard is bare” type mornings. We have Italian vegetable soup. We have heat and eat Indian food. We have Portabella Mushroom veggie burgers. We have Naan. We have stuff to make Quesadillas. We have tri-color pasta. We have ONE can of cat food. It was sad. So much food and nothing for brekky.

So I punished myself by logging onto Vons.com. I am EXHAUSTED by this past week and no way in hell am I driving 45 minutes west and then 45 minutes east again so I can go to Vons which is five minutes away. So I think, “Spend $10 in gas or $10 in delivery fees?” $10 in delivery fees it is.

Can’t find the info on the site. I’ve learned, in my many attempts at grocery store delivery self-flagellation, that ordering online requires you to order early, like before 10am if you want your food same day. Huzzah! It’s 9:45 am! Finally I’ve made the cut! Put me in the game coach, I’m all suited up!

So I call Vons and ask for info on the delivery service. A brusk girl named Jessica says, “I don’t have any information on that” and immediately transfers me somewhere. Prince’s “Diamonds and Pearls” (a song I detested when it was released plays as I am put into a holding pattern. “Diamonds and Pearls”, “Diamonds and Pearls”, “Diamonds and Pearls”, ringing!, someone picks up, puts me immediately back on hold without talking to me, “Diamonds and Pearls”…repeat three times.

So I hang up and call back. Here’s what happens between me and Jessica:

Me: I have been on hold forever and it just keeps ringing and someone picks up and puts me back on hold before talking to me.

Jessica: This is because Vons.com is on lunch, I’ll transfer you back to them…

Me: (cutting her off) Oh you better not put me on hold again! I want to speak to a manager.

Jessica: Well I’m gonna have to put you on hold so you can speak to a manager. *puts me on hold*

Manager: Hello you have a question.

Me: Yes, I’m trying to find out information about your delivery service.

Manager: What is something wrong with the website or your computer?

Me: Wait, am I a jerk for calling to ask you a question about a service YOU run? Me: the customer, You: the store.

Manager: No…but if the website is working then you have all the information you need.

Me: Well obviously I don’t if I’m calling you. I can’t find where the cutoff hours are to order food.

Manager: Well there is just no way possible you are getting food today. No way. If you wanted that you should’ve called by 10pm last night.

Me: Okay fine so what are the rules then? I AM ASKING YOU WHAT THE RULES ARE WHICH IS WHY I CALLED. IS THERE NO SUCH THING AS SAME DAY DELIVERY?

Manager: No there is but you missed it.

Me: Well I thought for most places it’s 10am. I’ve been on hold since 9:45 and now it’s 9:58.

Manager: Yep you missed the cutoff.

Me: Well what time is the cutoff?

Manager: Different every day. But for today everyone already left so forget it.

Me: Okay well what are the rules for each day?

Manager: Different times for Tuesday through Friday. Different times for Saturday. Different times for Sunday. And then Monday is a whole different thing.

Me: *SIGH* Okay thanks so much for clearing everything up for me. You’ve been so helpful. Also, tell Jessica that she’s rude for me.

Manager: I’ll talk to her.

*SIGH* guys, *SIGH*

I guess the moral of the story is:

Grocery stores really really REALLY do not want you to use this service. Or ask about it. Or think about it. Or talk about it. So don’t do it. Not ever. Don’t think about it. Are you thinking about it? Just don’t.

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