Yesterday I was kind of a mess. I have been temper tantrum-y and mopey lately. All “woe is me” blahblahblah. I keep trying to remind myself that EVERYTHING that is going on is the direct result of the fact that I am living one of my dreams and you have to give to get. You can’t just waltz into a new situation and expect for it to run smoothly. Nothing in life is like that so why should this be any different? Anyway I just keep feeling sorry for myself and it’s getting so damn old. I don’t even want to RSVP to my own pity party. That’s when you KNOW you need an attitude adjustment.
It started earlier this week for a variety of reasons. The thing about people who work for the city is that they are bound by a variety of red tape that is frustrating for them. They have a hundred bosses who are all pulling on them. And they serve the public who are all pulling on them. So they are CRANKY as hell. I mean some of the people aren’t but there is definitely a “blaminess” that gets tiring. You are expected to know what they are thinking sometimes and when you DON’T know what they are thinking, you are stupid or trying to get away with something or obnoxious. I keep trying not to let it bother me but almost everything I do lately involves some kind of civil servant so it’s tough to keep my feathers unruffled all of the time.
So all it took to set me off yesterday was a follow-up conversation about something unpleasant and not my fault. Incredibly my trouble started because of a plumbing problem AT my work help office. (And no I didn’t do anything to that bathroom.) I would elaborate but I don’t want to. Anyway, I had an “oh screw everything” moment that I allowed to color a lot of the rest of the day. Poor Kristyn having to deal with me. I guess it’s okay though because I help her through her veterinary mental breakdowns regularly. When I say that I allowed my temporary lapse of maturity to color the day, I don’t mean that I stayed angry for the rest of the day, just sort of melancholy. I am getting good at re-steering my day to exclude frustration but I haven’t gotten as good at re-steering to exclude mopeyness. Working on it.
I decided to force myself to realize that no one was burning me with a hot poker, I just to put one foot in front of the other and DO. And I got a lot done and I didn’t have a bad time AT ALL. In 2001 I worked at a horrible job in a lovely bagel place that happened to be owned by a terrible man. Well he wasn’t terrible necessarily but any boss that calls you “The Irish Bitch” as a pet name because you don’t laugh at his misogynistic jokes in front of customers is kind of a dick in my book. I did a helluva job at that place though, let me tell you. We didn’t get along but he gave me the lion’s share of the tips and gave me a raise too because I cleaned the hell out of that place. When I resigned for a better position though, he turned up the heat on the “Irish Bitch” comments and I faked him out like I was walking off the job by removing my apron and kind of punching it into his stomach. I didn’t hit him hard, don’t hate! It was just enough for him to be like, “OOF, no don’t go!” Then I took the apron back and without a word continued to clean. You don’t mess with an Irish Bitch. To his credit though, that bagel place is the best one in the area and EVERYONE knows it. We still dream about that place (it still exists under different management). I continued to go there after I left but we never crossed paths again. Also to his credit, and this is amusing to me, that man is OBSESSED with chickens. It’s kind of endearing to me. The entire shop was decorated with chicken paraphernalia. He even had a gigantic taxidermied chicken in the shop. He also owned chickens at home and talked about them obsessively. Also he fed all of the neighborhood cats. God bless you if you threw out those meat scraps because he’d get in your face. The deli meat scraps were for the cats and if you were stupid enough to throw them out, good luck. So I can’t hate on someone who loves animals that much. He was just a character. Anyway after that LONG aside, the BEST thing that happened to me when I worked at that place was the fact that he had a sign on his office door that read, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” That little sign on his door changed my whole life right then and there. I always keep that in my mind.
So I had that in my mind yesterday and it helped me to get my shit done and not to worry so much. BUT I did hear my first Christmas music on the radio for this year and YES it made me weepy. I was so sad for Coleen that she can’t go see her family for Christmas. Boohoo Coleen. I just keep reminding myself that THIS is the tradeoff. I knew that coming into this but it’s easier to blow stuff like that off when you have your eye on the prize; the prize in this case being “living in LA”. But my quality of life is WAY lower than it was in NJ. That is a fact. So sometimes it’s difficult to see the benefits to what we are doing. Definitely we have gotten valuable professional experience out here that although we could have gotten at home, we definitely wouldn’t have. We live just outside NYC but when you are entrenched in your life and used to living a certain way, there is NO WAY you are going to give that up to chase a dream. Moving out here kind of put us on a clean enough slate so that we could rebuild from the ground up. And we can’t cry about being poor too much because we knew it would be a possibility as a tradeoff to moving to somewhere that you have no professional contacts or friends. *shrug*
But whenever I hear Bing Crosby, I’m a little girl again, safe at home and decorating the tree with my family. But I’m not a little girl and I’m far away from home, scared and not sure what tomorrow may bring. And my family isn’t here with me, they’re really far away and together. So my old life is still carrying on but I’m not there to live it. It’s a weird feeling.
So I got over that and decided to force myself to sit down and work on my Etsy shop. I put on yesterday’s episode of “Sons of Anarchy” and that set off the waterworks again. I won’t say what happens but there are a number of really emotional scenes that have to do with families and I ugly cried over that shit. Oh Jax I love you. Also, I just want to say that I am kind of excited about what they implied about Gemma and Clay. Fascinating. This season has been kind of slow-moving but I love that they’re in Ireland. And seriously this is Katey Sagal’s role of a lifetime. She is Peg Bundy no more. MAN she is good in this role. Can I say that I am just so goddamn happy that both Katey Sagal and Ed O’Neill are back on TV and in SUCH good shows? I was a fan of “Married with Children” back in the day but I find it hard to watch now. I guess what I liked about it then was just how shockingly different it was from anything else on TV but I find that a lot of the jokes don’t hold up (for me). So I love that is being rerun but I can’t watch it. That said, I really love me some “Modern Family” too and I think that Ed O’Neill is knocking it out of the park. He’s like a modern day Archie Bunker and he plays it so well. It’s good to see them back on TV and in such amazing shows.
Oh and then because I was all insane in the membrane I forgot that Kristyn got out of work at 1am and hurried to get there for midnight. Kristyn works like a half hour to fourty minutes away so it’s not like I could go back home. I had to sit in the parking lot until she got out. Duh.
And that’s it for me. I have an appointment today and then I have to go get Kristyn from her internship. She has a show to go to tonight but she couldn’t get a plus one because it’s sold out. I think I’ll finish my college applications tonight or at least work on them. I’m about halfway done. I also have something else to write because I am now going to be writing for LA Music Blog like Kristyn! Can’t wait to start. So there, that’s a big positive!
Oh and here is a picture of one of the most fascinating characters on Sons of Anarchy, Tig. He is a total creep but is my favorite character. The actor plays him so well. Total sociopath. His role in “the club” is to dole out vengeance which makes him a trained killer with seemingly no moral compass. He has a good sense of humor and is “all in” as far as the club is concerned. There ARE moments where we get to see something of a softer side of him though and I have the feeling we’re going to see a lot more of it next season. He has a lot of weird quirks, some SUPER dark and others just kind of funny. For instance, he is scared of dolls but is a necropheliac. Disgusting but interesting and well-played. He makes you nervous. And you can’t see it in this picture but he has crystal clear blue eyes. He’s always filthy and covered in grime from the auto shop they run but those blue eyes stand out. Perfect choice in casting because he is just fascinating to watch. Love it. Also I lovelovelove these promo shots they released for this season, so cool. If you haven’t given this show a chance yet, by all means do. If you like the Sopranos, you will like Sons of Anarchy, I promise you.