I know it sounds crazy but I hate LA’s weather. I guess you can take the girl out of the unpredictable weather but you can’t take the unpredictable weather out of the girl. Whenever I see snow or coldness on TV I get really jealous!
And you know what else I miss? Old things. Everything in LA is basically brand new. Even the older buildings are not as old as they are in the Northeast. I miss being close to DC and Massachusetts and Pennsylvania and New York. I feel like holidays are cozier there.
That said, we’re not going to come home for a while if we can help it. Our current plan is to at least stay here for a few more years to get our degrees (if we can manage it). And we, of course, want to work out here too. But we also know we will eventually come back. Work in New York. Maybe try to live there. BUT we also know that there is a great chance we’ll end up back out here again after that. IDK long-term plans are just outlines. I just don’t want to ever live my life without possibility. I’d never live here without the possibility of moving home on the table and I’d never move home without the possibility of moving back here on the table either.
Its just tough sometimes because everything is so different. Our social lives, our proximity to loved ones, our financial status, our stability, our geographic location and even the weather. It’s just a bit much to bear sometimes. The differentness.
Because everything is so different, it’s important for us to have ritual. To decorate for holidays, to make certain foods, to have a schedule even if it’s a weird one. We need familiarity.
But when we get too into missing stuff, we remind ourselves of all the nights we laid in bed and talked about how nice the differentness would be. How freeing.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to live means to suffer. If you can accept that, you can minimize your anxiety. If you look back at your life, it always looks rosy but if you look closer, you can remember that all those rosy moments were filled with stress too. This all means that if I can accept uphill battles as a part of just living life, I can enjoy the moment more. Learn to relax into it and even laugh at what ails me. The PROBLEM is that I am alone almost all of the time with my thoughts. Even if I distract myself with tv, crafts, movies, the Internet, chores, cats, etc…that still leaves a LOT of hours in the day to think.
And I’m learning that there are a lot of people in this world who only love you when you’re happy but run for the hills when you really need a friend the most. That’s not me trying to be passive aggressive it’s just me trying to wrap my head around stuff. When I came out here, I feel like I had a lot of friends but as time wore on, I became out of sight, out of mind. And then recently I became persona non grata because I didn’t want to accept that anymore. I don’t know. Life is tough guys. And I don’t want to believe that all people are like that. I have to believe that there are people that exist in this world who you can be your total self around. I’m not a perfect person but I am pretty easy to get along with. I don’t demand that people agree with me or like the same things I do. I don’t insult people’s interests or feelings or the things they care about. I support the people I love’s interests and provide a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on. I give honest advice. I throw parties and attend yours. I bake stuff and give you things. I ask you about your life and try to be sensitive not to offend you in words and in actions. I also have to say no sometimes when I can’t make it. I also pack too much into a day and am therefore always late. I talk too much but I listen a lot too. I help clean up. I give people second, third, fourth and fifth chances. BUT there always gets to a point where I cannot make any more exceptions because it’s clear that my kindness is being taken for granted. And it’s at that point that I get hurt which manifests as anger. And it’s always at that point that I become useless to people. A throwaway. Garbage, a forgotten toy. And I’m always the one to do the apologizing, the first one to get it over with and come to the center to shake hands. And the other person is always the one who gets to say, “Thanks but no thanks!” And I’m left to wonder if I wasn’t nice enough. If I wasn’t a good enough friend. I don’t know if it’s immaturity or not. I just have to believe that there are people who are capable of loving you without throwing you away the moment things get tough. And these people would probably say I threw them away. In words, yes I did. I’m the one who said the actual words to seal the deal but the deal was sealed when they kept trying to make me apologize for my hurt feelings based on their words and actions rather than just saying, “What can I do to make this right?” I guess the fault DOES lie with me because I was afraid they weren’t as good of friends as they professed (my idea of good friends) but I expected more of them anyway. Ah the old burden of naïveté. It never ends. I don’t want to give up on the idea of true friendship but I also can’t have fair-weather friends in my life just to fill up spaces and kill some time. To me, it’s a waste of my time. I have a lot of love to give and I’m not going to waste it on people who don’t appreciate it anymore. I’ve done too much of that in my life.
BUT all is not lost. I am nothing if not scrappy. Things are already looking a bit up, I just get a little sad sometimes and it makes it hard to get anything done. I just wish right now that I had a scrap of anything I recognized. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just give up on this LA dream of ours. Just go home and try to recreate everything we had a year ago. But even in that second I realize how that would make me feel once I was on familiar soil. I’d FEEL like a quitter. I still wouldn’t have a job. I still wouldn’t have my friends. I’d be in NJ when LA is where I know I’d still wanna be. I would be no closer to the life that I want and then I’d be right back where I started, only with a lot less. So giving up isn’t really an option. Change just hurts. It’s like the reverse of a breakup for me. Usually you have a lot of pain right away in a breakup. It lessens over time. I feel like when we got here, I was full of vim and vigor that is dissolving over time and turning into almost tangible pain. What we need is a trip home. We need to get me a job so I can take off from that job and go home for a weekend haha. Just a hit of something familiar. We went hole for a weekend last February and were SO GLAD to he there. When we were there and surrounded by familiarity and love, it was hard to remember why we’d ever left. It was hard to remember what we were doing out in LA. But when we landed in LA, we were RELIEVED to be back. That relief didn’t have anything to do with our love ones. We were relieved to be back to a place that holds the key to making our wildest dreams come true. It felt like as if we’d died and gone to Heaven, got to return to Earth to reunite with everyone we love and then got to return to Heaven with the knowledge that we could come
back whenever we wanted. That sounds dramatic but I think I speak for both of us when I say that’s how it felt. It’s like eating cookies for every meal, TOO SWEET. You need a real meal to enjoy the sweetness.
The thing is, with anything, you get to a point where things start to look familiar. And LA looks familiar to us now. It barely even looks like a city to me anymore. It just looks like “home, the place that I live” if that makes any sense. Liken it to getting to seriously date a huge crush of yours. You spend so much time imagining it and it happens and you are madly in love. You can’t see any downside, you just cannot believe your luck. And then time goes by and you notice that person’s quirks. They go from cute to annoying and one day you don’t know what you’re doing with this person anymore. BUT when you break up, you can’t believe how good you had it and why were you so stupid to think you could do better? Do you know what I mean? So basically we are in a relationship with LA and we’re at the point where LA farts in front of us and we’ve stopped shaving our legs. But we KNOW that if we broke up with LA, we’d forever question that and think about what our kids would have looked like with LA. Duh.
So yeah, like I said, way too much time on my hands. Also, I felt productive when I was at least interning. Now that I’m not I feel no strings to this place. When Kristyn wasn’t interning she felt like this. All, “Wait, why are we here again?” And it was hard for me to understand or explain because I was inspired. So we’ve only just turned the tables. I’m glad I have the presence of mind to recall it.
So that’s it. That my whining for tonight. I hope you don’t mind. I’ve been considering taking a hiatus from blogging lately. I feel like I am too pathetic and boring at the moment and worried about being judged. When all that shit went down with my friends, my Mother said, “Who are these people and why do you even care what they think if they’re going to be like that?” And my response was that my feelings were hurt because I care about them. I just think that with everything so uncertain, my feelings are closer to the surface than they normally would be. I’m more easily bruised, let down and dejected. I’ll get over it, I just wish I had an outlet to barf all of this stuff out other than here. There are too many eyes. I could start another blog or make this private but part of what feels good is the sharing and living in the light. You’re only as sick as your secrets. And I don’t particularly feel like pretending everything is “smashing” (to quote my Grandma) when it’s more “confusing, frustrating and alien with a dash of sad”.
I’m sorry if this brought anyone down. It’s not my intention, I’m just feeling a little mopey and sentimental. Goddamn my stupid bent for sentimentality. Such a sucker for thoughts like that hence missing things like “cold stuff” and “old things”. Boooo Coleen you suck.
Also I told our only trick-or-treaters we had that we don’t have candy. I never wanted to be that evil old bat but it just occurred to me recently that it’s less that the trick-or-treaters need to fear us than it’s us who need to fear them. Think about it, opening your door in the dark to a gang of teenagers? I wouldn’t do that on any other night! I guess I’m hardening, IDK. I half welcome it and half am afraid of it. It sucks to lose your innocence of the world. It makes the world a scarier, less magical place. Then sometimes I think that’s why people have kids, to add the magic and innocence back into their lives. But then I think about how scary it must be to have a kid IN this world haha. Oh God.
Okay I’m going to go back to watching Buffy and shut my brain down for a little while. I guess this is why people in NY and LA have therapists. No one is from NY or LA and probably find themselves wrestling with the same stuff once they’re away from everything and everyone they know. Without the distraction of other people you really have to spend time with yourself and figure out what you’re made of. And the suffering is worth it because at the end of the day, you know you are testing yourself. Seeing what you will and won’t tolerate. Knowing for sure what is and isn’t important. Questioning the value of what you’ve always been lead to believe should be held dear. In my case, I think back to some of the ideas I held dear a year ago and laugh. They were childish ideas that proved I didn’t know what I was talking about. I think that I have come a long way in terms of knowing what I want out of my life. At this time last year, I couldn’t have told you what I wanted at all and now it’s all in sharp focus. I just have to find a way to get it.
BUT I was thinking about something today. It seems like sometimes the harder you want something, the further it gets from you. You almost have to not want it or not care. This is an anathema to me because typically if I want something, I go for it. True, it doesn’t always work out but then I know I’ve tried. But THIS, what I am trying to do out here, it’s not just something I want. It’s something I have to have. So it’s hard for me to take it easy and relax. I want it NOW. And I’ve already wasted too much time. 31 is not old but it is for a lot of the jobs I’m going for. And it “shouldn’t matter” but it does and that’s not my doing. I can see why people conform here. It’s a beautiful life full of opportunity, creativity and financial security if you can swing it. But it’s dangerous like a drug because of how exciting everything can be. So sometimes I want to run for the hills. Anything that intoxicating has to be “dark-sided” (to quote the God Warrior) right?
Ah I don’t know. Whatever I’m just being self-indulgent and confused. Patience is a virtue. Hard work is the key. Also, Buffy helps.
G’nite! (And thanks for reading this repetitive bullshit I keep spewing. I swear I’m okay just contemplative.) Sometimes I find that it’s easier to organize my thoughts if I write them out and read them back. Ho hum.