FOCUS

Guys I have so many things to do that I am like paralyzed. All I want to do is have a good time with Kristyn. But she’s at work and I’m at home and there’s no getting around it.

At my last job in NJ, one of the people who sat near me had a sign over his desk that read “FOCUS” in big bold letters on a white sheet of paper. I always admired that sign. I think I need to make one.

I am writing this blog rather than doing what I should be doing as a challenge to get up off my duff and get moving. Here is my to-do list for today:

1) Clean the area around the computer desk.
2) Feed the animals.
3) Do the dishes.
4) Take a shower.
5) Job hunt, job hunt, job hunt.

They’re not major things just little shit that I could bang out quickly. But for some reason that makes them all the more worrisome. Ugh.

Being an adult is complicated.

Here are the reasons why I’m worried about each task:

1) I wanted to wait to go in the shower until my neighbor was done showering. Not because my shower will be affected but because our showers are separated by one thin wall. If I showered while he was showering we’d both know we were standing six inches apart from each other showering and I don’t even know his first name. When I’m in there and then he goes in, I am not mad at him or picturing him in there (honestly I’m not even 100% sure what he looks like). I just am AWARE that he is there.

2) The job hunt is stressful enough without the fact that our Internet is disconnected. I have to do all of my internetting on my phone which is challenging. Some sites require flash which doesn’t work on here. I’ve been going to the library to use their wireless lately. BUT to do that I have to drive for 45 minutes to the other side of LA to drop Kristyn off, 45 mins to get back and THEN go to the library which is only open for like another hour by the time I get there. After time spent, gas spent and aggravation, it seems worth it to just do it on my phone sometimes. But when I’m thinking about that stuff, I forget about how hard it is to do on my phone. See?

3) THE DESK. Before we were almost kicked out of here, we had actually decided to stay put for another year. We don’t really want to move our things and we haven’t gotten to enjoy living in this neighborhood. We bought a bookshelf and put it up which reduced a lot of clutter and organized all of our miscellaneous collections into “areas” such as “arts and entertainment”, “fiction books”, “true stuff” and “correspondence”. I won’t bother to explain, use your imaginations on this. Anyway the one area that got neglected in the shuffle was the goddamn computer desk. The computer forsook us recently by getting a Trojan Virus we cannot afford to fix. We don’t want to throw out the computer bc it would be easier to fix it than to buy a new computer. SO it has sat there shut off for a month. Things are getting piled there when there is no where else to put them. This means that when I clean this eyesore area, I will have to find homes for all of the homeless shit that was left there. *sigh*

4) Feeding the animals is just something that I have to do. No getting around it. And it’s so easy but causes me so much anxiety every day. They get fed twice, once in the morning and once at night. The cats just get dry food for one meal and canned for the other. They’re always wild about the dry food and don’t always like the canned. BUT they like the pomp and circumstance of the canned. They like the ritual and look forward to it. Even if they snub the food after tasting it, they look forward to the ritual and get bitterly disappointed if I beg off a day and pour out some dry. I can’t imagine how you baby mothers do it haha.

5) THE MOTHERFUNKING DISHES. I have hated doing dishes since I was a kid. Just everything about it is gross. What I do actually like about this chore is that it is one finite project that has an immediate payoff in clean dishes and the feeling of a complete task. What I don’t like about it is that I am incapable of doing dishes without getting the entire front of my shirt wet. And the cats got conditioned to expect to be fed every time I do dishes even if I just fed them. So they are under foot and clawing at my legs while I do it haha. And also I just don’t like the actual process.

So there you have it. These are the things I am avoiding while talking to you. I think I’m going to shower first to get my energy up. (But then I have to put my makeup on which will take more time and derail everything…see how this works?)

So I am going to physically write down a to do list and cross shit off. Ever since I lost that job this week its hard to kind of get up and DO. I need my steely eyed, tough as nails, get up and do it good time girl disposition back. Where has that girl gone? Someone find her for me and get her workin because shit’s piling up. I can do this I just have to FOCUS.

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