Hope

Regardless of what happens, I have Kristyn, my animals, my family, my friends, a good sense of humor and the ability to bounce back from bad situations. I’ve experienced a lot of professional, domestic and personal setbacks lately exacerbated by the thoughtlessness of others. But, all of this is my fault. My total fault. No one told me to move out here and follow this dream. I didn’t even know how hard it was going to be. I am really sad right now because I can’t even discuss what’s really going on in my life on here, my own blog, because certain people see it as an affront to find out that I am not willing to let shit go that hurts me. People they know could be reading this and that is what’s important. Not that I have an outlet for all of this stuff, just that they don’t have to feel bad. I don’t know whether it’s worse that they’re mad at me for expressing my disappointment or that I’m allowing myself to be muzzled like this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We are alone out here and trying our best. LA can be a really cold place sometimes. All we want is what everybody else has (and we used to have). We want a place to live with no drama. We want food, electricity, heat, hot water, to be able to watch tv or go online. We want to be able to buy new clothes when we need them. We want to be able to order a pizza when we’re tired and hungry. We want to go to the movies or just go OUT sometimes. We want to have dignified jobs where we are paid a decent salary. We don’t want anyone to worry about us or see us as failures/losers. We just want to have even a scaled back version of what we had before. No frills. No European vacations. Just basics. And we’re trying SO HARD. I’m at a loss.

And it’s like despite all of this hard work and effort, we are coming up short every month. No matter how far we scale back, it’s never enough. We’re not living high on the hog out here. We are living paycheck to paycheck and not even that. We are struggling to pay all of our bills and they’re just racking up and racking up and racking up. I don’t know what to do. I am ineligible for public aid because I resigned from my position and haven’t accrued enough paid hours out here to receive any kind of benefits.

There are other things we can do that we aren’t thrilled to have to do like selling our stuff. I mean you can say, “It’s just stuff” until you’re blue in the face but it’s different when it’s your stuff. We got rid of probably 3/4 of our stuff when we came out here and we’re basically at brass tacks. The only possessions we own are largely momentos, things we’re currently actively using and some worthless odds and ends.

I don’t know. I mean it’s not all bad. We’ve still got our lights on. There’s still gas on the stove. This is the first time we can’t pay our rent though and it’s causing a great big drama because our landlady is mad at us for other things. We can’t seem to make her understand that we would never do anything to hurt her, her apartment or even ourselves. And naturally she’s scared because how is she going to pay her bills if she can’t get her tenants to pay ours? It feels like we’ve just run out of road. I mean we knew we were getting stretched pretty thin but the promise of not one but actually THREE jobs made us start daydreaming that everything was going to be alright. Everything was looking so good and bright for once that we were imagining what would happen if I was offered two of the positions. It was a beacon when we needed it most and it all slipped away just as suddenly as it came. None of it was real. It was like bellyflopping onto concrete.

And there are a lot of other things going on that aren’t ideal and just adding to our alread enormous stress load. And we aren’t people who talk about such things.

A) We don’t want anyone to worry.
B) We like to fix stuff on our own.
C) We didn’t want to put any pressure on our loved ones to have to step in. It’s not their job to save us.

So again, I don’t know. I am sorry for being such a bummer lately but you know what? I am usually the “can do” person. Strong people don’t ever get much sympathy or help and I am learning that lesson again from some people in my life. Others are surprising me by helping whereever they can by providing us with our legal options or job search advice or just virtual hugs or by responding to my cries for help and support. At this moment in time, I need someone to lean on. Of course I always have Kristyn to lean on but I don’t want to put my suffering on her when she’s already going through so much. There’s only so much we can help each other right now because we’re both in the same state of total panic. How can we make each other feel better if we’re both in a state of confusion?

Whatever. At the end of the day, this is my personal blog. Anyone who visits here is getting a look at the inside of my brain. If you don’t like what you see, click off. If you are offended by what you see, that honestly says more about you than it does me because how can you kick someone when they’re down and hold their own feelings against them? Also if you read what I’m writing and all you get out of it is a reason to be personally affronted but don’t see that I am suffering, I don’t honestly get you and I guess you weren’t ever my friend to start. Not such a big loss in my book. This is not a corporate blog. This is not a subsidized blog. This is not a blog that is widely read (although since my downfall started happening I’ve gotten a lot more hits whether because people are curious, feel bad, are looking to feel offended, are gawking or want to see some kind of joy in my unhappiness).

I’m kind of resigned to an ugly couple of weeks upcoming. We have to move and I have to kind of kick my job search into over-over-over drive. We are going to have to start coming up with little ways to brighten our spirits if we’re going to get it all done. I am definitely taking a break from social networking there have been things going on there that have hurt our feelings and its best to just nullify the whole thing. I privatized this blog for last night and today but I do need to keep writing. It’s something I can do with my hands, it’s a simple pleasure that doesn’t cost me a thing and it’s a way of getting rid of some of this burden for myself. I’ve unhooked my blog from all social networking sites. If anyone wants to really read this, they’re going to have to go an extra step to get it. And if you take that step and still are offended, you need a hobby. Just forget me and that I ever existed.

Things will get better. They just have to.

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