I hate to be a hater but I am PISSED. Here is a list of the reasons why:
* I have been full of optimism for the past few years about this entire endeavor. I’ve been optimistic enough for ten people. Even when I’m NOT feeling optimistic, I have managed to find a way to SUMMON the optimism and then believe it. At this point, I am scraping the bottom of this barrel.
* Losing this job opportunity doesn’t make all of this a failure, it just kind of coincides with things starting to get seriously hairy. If I had gotten this job, it would have been at remarkably awesome timing when we need it the most. BUT that clearly didn’t happen so whatever. Oh, AND not only did they never call me back but send me a form letter, they sent me the same form letter in the mail today. Thanks.
* We are starting to get seriously disillusioned by some people in our lives. Mostly everyone we care about has been supportive of us. Some people have been skeptical. Some people have been great. Some people have proven they really don’t care. And that’s hurtful. I am not a person who likes to ask for anything from anybody, not time, not money, not support, not stuff, not anything. And most of the time, I don’t get it. And that’s okay with me because I don’t want to owe anyone anything. I want to be a person who handles her own shit ALWAYS. But there comes a time when you have to look around at the people in your life and think about whether they care about you or are just passing the time with you. I tend to care about people HARD. If you are in my life, I love you and that’s it. So it’s disheartening to realize that you barely make the list for them. And it doesn’t necessarily make anyone a bad person at ALL. It just means that I need to be careful to surround myself with people who DO actually feel like they say they do not just in words but in actions as well.
* That being said, we ARE surrounded by people who love us. There ARE people who ask us if we’re okay. That take our feelings into consideration. That worry about whether or not we’re keeping our heads above water. So to me, I CAN make a decision to distance myself from anyone who doesn’t fit that bill.
And guys, I am a patient person. I try to turn the other cheek. I try to forgive (but not forget). I try to take people as they are. It’s really about me managing my expectations of what to and not to expect from people. At 31 I should be able to say, “Well this person has proven time and time again that their only priority is number one. Why bother to make this person a priority then?” But it’s something I have always struggled with and probably always will.
And I don’t want to fight with anyone. In the bruised up condition I am in, I will definitely say some things I can’t take back but definitely mean (as is always the case). Some things just don’t need to be said, I’ve learned.
And WHY am I putting this kind of personal crap online? WHY am I telling the great void rather than the people directly? Well I guess I just want to clearly illustrate what it is to follow a dream. Some people only want to know you when you’re down. When you’re up, they get mad at you for “bragging”. Some people don’t want to know you when you’re down because you’re “a drag”. They only want to know you when you’re up. And then there are the truly heaven-sent people who are there in the trenches with you when things are rough and patting you on the back when things are up. I try to be this person as much as I can. I’m sure I fall short to some people.
BUT WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW IS SUPPORT. I just can’t be a cheerleader right now. And I can’t seem to summon up anything but cynicism or hatefulness because I am just too at the brink for that.
We are poor. We can’t buy anything. We can’t spend one single frivolous dollar without seeing an immediate and dramatic domino effect. It is STRESSFUL. Most of the time we can get by and say to ourselves, “This is temporary. This is what sacrifice feels like. Something better is coming.” But lately we’re just both full of disgust. Disgust with ourselves. Disgust with the economy. Disgust with cowardly recruiters who can’t bother to call you back. Disgust with the heartlessness of some people.
And I talked to my sister yesterday and she said (as carefully as possible so as not to upset me haha), “Well Coleen, you are living a pretty interesting life. For someone that is not, they don’t see the sacrifice, just that you have something they don’t.” And I get that. I felt like that a year ago. And I don’t look down on anyone who is happy in their station. To me though, stagnation is worse than death. I had a great-paying job last year at a great company but it didn’t matter because I felt dead. I could go into Target and blow $200 because I was BORED but felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Now if you gave me $200 and told me to go to Target, I probably wouldn’t even spend that. I’d worry about every dollar and the different ways I could stretch it. It’s no way to live. But what I said back to her is, “I DON’T CARE. UNACCEPTABLE. It’s not my job to see everyone else’s position 24 hours a day. My stance is that I want those around me to be there for the good and the bad. If I can only talk about one or the other with you, you’re not a friend. Period.” And that is the way that I honestly feel. And it’s NOT all about me. I’m just saying that it’s important to have standards in your life. I am a pretty easy going person with most things. But having standards in my relationships is a constant thing I fail at. It’s just my Achilles Heel. But at this point, I need support. I need REAL FRIENDS. I have no friends out here besides Kristyn. I have no one to talk to besides the cats. So I find it hard to understand how people can say they’re “jealous” and then blow me off because I saw a celebrity. That is the ONE pleasurable thing that happened to me ALL WEEK. I didn’t get to have dinner with my friends. I didn’t get to buy a shirt. I didn’t get to go to the movies. I didn’t get to hug my Mom. So don’t blow me off and tell me that you’re jealous and that I’m lucky. I’m NOT lucky. It’s just hard work. Calling it luck is sort of insulting. And also that kind of makes you a somewhat of a fairweather friend. I am just NOT looking for that at this point in my life.
And I do apologize (sort of) for the vitriol. It’s just been a long time coming and a mark of how bottom of the barrel I’m feeling right now. Since I’m a “doer”, when I am down, I get ANGRY rather than sad. I can’t just be “sad”. That’s too passive. You need fire and passion to change your situation. I feel like being “sad” is akin to waiting around for someone else to fix your problems. I’d rather be “angry”. “Angry” gets things done. “Angry” moves you forward and into “Happy” or at least “Satisfied”. Almost every positive thing in my life has directly come from me getting “Angry”. And pleasepleaseplease don’t lecture me on how negative anger is or I will find a way to slap you (Pacifism aside). I am an adult and I do have a cool life and I got it by DOING shit. So I know what I’m talking about.
Anyway. I truly hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings. And don’t confront me about this unless you actually want a confrontation. I don’t. I just want you to pull it together. I need you now. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Well fuck Coleen” then we probably weren’t friends and I guarantee you won’t be missed. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Man I had no idea, I hope she is okay” then you’re a friend and believe me, it’s likely I already knew that.