I am ANGRY

I hate to be a hater but I am PISSED.  Here is a list of the reasons why:

* I have been full of optimism for the past few years about this entire endeavor. I’ve been optimistic enough for ten people. Even when I’m NOT feeling optimistic, I have managed to find a way to SUMMON the optimism and then believe it. At this point, I am scraping the bottom of this barrel.

* Losing this job opportunity doesn’t make all of this a failure, it just kind of coincides with things starting to get seriously hairy. If I had gotten this job, it would have been at remarkably awesome timing when we need it the most. BUT that clearly didn’t happen so whatever. Oh, AND not only did they never call me back but send me a form letter, they sent me the same form letter in the mail today. Thanks.

* We are starting to get seriously disillusioned by some people in our lives. Mostly everyone we care about has been supportive of us. Some people have been skeptical. Some people have been great. Some people have proven they really don’t care. And that’s hurtful. I am not a person who likes to ask for anything from anybody, not time, not money, not support, not stuff, not anything. And most of the time, I don’t get it. And that’s okay with me because I don’t want to owe anyone anything. I want to be a person who handles her own shit ALWAYS. But there comes a time when you have to look around at the people in your life and think about whether they care about you or are just passing the time with you. I tend to care about people HARD. If you are in my life, I love you and that’s it. So it’s disheartening to realize that you barely make the list for them. And it doesn’t necessarily make anyone a bad person at ALL. It just means that I need to be careful to surround myself with people who DO actually feel like they say they do not just in words but in actions as well.

* That being said, we ARE surrounded by people who love us. There ARE people who ask us if we’re okay. That take our feelings into consideration. That worry about whether or not we’re keeping our heads above water. So to me, I CAN make a decision to distance myself from anyone who doesn’t fit that bill.

And guys, I am a patient person. I try to turn the other cheek. I try to forgive (but not forget). I try to take people as they are. It’s really about me managing my expectations of what to and not to expect from people. At 31 I should be able to say, “Well this person has proven time and time again that their only priority is number one. Why bother to make this person a priority then?” But it’s something I have always struggled with and probably always will.

And I don’t want to fight with anyone. In the bruised up condition I am in, I will definitely say some things I can’t take back but definitely mean (as is always the case). Some things just don’t need to be said, I’ve learned.

And WHY am I putting this kind of personal crap online? WHY am I telling the great void rather than the people directly? Well I guess I just want to clearly illustrate what it is to follow a dream. Some people only want to know you when you’re down. When you’re up, they get mad at you for “bragging”. Some people don’t want to know you when you’re down because you’re “a drag”. They only want to know you when you’re up. And then there are the truly heaven-sent people who are there in the trenches with you when things are rough and patting you on the back when things are up. I try to be this person as much as I can. I’m sure I fall short to some people.

BUT WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW IS SUPPORT. I just can’t be a cheerleader right now. And I can’t seem to summon up anything but cynicism or hatefulness because I am just too at the brink for that.

We are poor. We can’t buy anything. We can’t spend one single frivolous dollar without seeing an immediate and dramatic domino effect. It is STRESSFUL. Most of the time we can get by and say to ourselves, “This is temporary. This is what sacrifice feels like. Something better is coming.” But lately we’re just both full of disgust. Disgust with ourselves. Disgust with the economy. Disgust with cowardly recruiters who can’t bother to call you back. Disgust with the heartlessness of some people.

And I talked to my sister yesterday and she said (as carefully as possible so as not to upset me haha), “Well Coleen, you are living a pretty interesting life. For someone that is not, they don’t see the sacrifice, just that you have something they don’t.” And I get that. I felt like that a year ago. And I don’t look down on anyone who is happy in their station. To me though, stagnation is worse than death. I had a great-paying job last year at a great company but it didn’t matter because I felt dead. I could go into Target and blow $200 because I was BORED but felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Now if you gave me $200 and told me to go to Target, I probably wouldn’t even spend that. I’d worry about every dollar and the different ways I could stretch it. It’s no way to live. But what I said back to her is, “I DON’T CARE. UNACCEPTABLE. It’s not my job to see everyone else’s position 24 hours a day. My stance is that I want those around me to be there for the good and the bad. If I can only talk about one or the other with you, you’re not a friend. Period.” And that is the way that I honestly feel. And it’s NOT all about me. I’m just saying that it’s important to have standards in your life. I am a pretty easy going person with most things. But having standards in my relationships is a constant thing I fail at. It’s just my Achilles Heel. But at this point, I need support. I need REAL FRIENDS. I have no friends out here besides Kristyn. I have no one to talk to besides the cats. So I find it hard to understand how people can say they’re “jealous” and then blow me off because I saw a celebrity. That is the ONE pleasurable thing that happened to me ALL WEEK. I didn’t get to have dinner with my friends. I didn’t get to buy a shirt. I didn’t get to go to the movies. I didn’t get to hug my Mom. So don’t blow me off and tell me that you’re jealous and that I’m lucky. I’m NOT lucky. It’s just hard work. Calling it luck is sort of insulting. And also that kind of makes you a somewhat of a fairweather friend. I am just NOT looking for that at this point in my life.

And I do apologize (sort of) for the vitriol. It’s just been a long time coming and a mark of how bottom of the barrel I’m feeling right now. Since I’m a “doer”, when I am down, I get ANGRY rather than sad. I can’t just be “sad”. That’s too passive. You need fire and passion to change your situation. I feel like being “sad” is akin to waiting around for someone else to fix your problems. I’d rather be “angry”. “Angry” gets things done. “Angry” moves you forward and into “Happy” or at least “Satisfied”. Almost every positive thing in my life has directly come from me getting “Angry”. And pleasepleaseplease don’t lecture me on how negative anger is or I will find a way to slap you (Pacifism aside). I am an adult and I do have a cool life and I got it by DOING shit. So I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway. I truly hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings. And don’t confront me about this unless you actually want a confrontation. I don’t. I just want you to pull it together. I need you now. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Well fuck Coleen” then we probably weren’t friends and I guarantee you won’t be missed. If you feel like this blog is about you and it makes you say, “Man I had no idea, I hope she is okay” then you’re a friend and believe me, it’s likely I already knew that.

6 thoughts on “I am ANGRY

  1. I think that you have plenty of courage for doing what you did.I can’t say it will get better, but I can assure that it will change. Things will always change. So you have an experience that most people will not have, and maybe never get to have. Your making an adjustment to a situation that you have never been in. There is always pain in adjustment, even to positive circumstances. I know you aware of these things so I’m just reiterating what you already know. Even if you came home, you still made an effort. You had no idea what was going to happen when you arrived, or what would happen a year later. The point is that YOU AND KRISTYN HAD THE GUTS TO MAKE A CHANGE, which some people won’t ever do, or can’t do. So you have succeeded. And yes, I am jealous of you ! I love California. Whenever it is sunny, I think of the first time I went there. It was beautiful , and the sky was clear. I think of that time a lot, and I wish I could go back and relive that. Whenever I hear the song “California”, by Phantom Planet, I think of driving into L.A., and staring at the mountains. So it’s all in perspective. I know you don’t want people to think your lucky, but thinking it doesn’t alwalys make it so. So what I’m trying to say is if you feel defeated you are. Your angry now, and that’s good. You can only make the decision to stay or to leave, or what to feel, or how to act.It’s up to you.

    • It’s true. And you know, we ARE lucky. We are very aware of how lucky we are. But we felt like that in NJ. Me and Kristyn are two people who genuinely appreciate the crap out of every little thing we have and are just so thankful. I don’t mean to come off as a brat. It’s not so much someone saying, “I’m jealous” or “You’re lucky” that is hurtful. It’s when it’s followed up by blowing me off. It’s when you’re trying to share something with someone you love and you can tell they don’t want to hear about it. I have always been obsessed with the entertainment industry and have always found it exceedingly frustrating how tight-lipped most people involved in it are. I feel like it’s selfish. “We all want to KNOW what it’s like! Why won’t you tell us?!” And I always swore that if I got there myself, I’d at least try to share as much of the experience of it as I can. THE PROBLEM (as I’m sure you know all about) is that once you’re there, you HAVE to remain tight-lipped. Your job could be put at risk. Someone else’s safety or privacy could be violated by you talking. I am very, very, very mindful of what kind of info I discuss about what I do. I mean much of it is just boring stuff and not all celebrity sightings. But a lot of it is confidential and it’s my responsibility to shut up. So it puts me in a weird position. Most of my interaction with family and friends is via the Internet. If I can’t share my total experiences online and I have no one to talk to them about besides Kristyn (who I share everything with), it’s just hard to kind of stay excited and engaged with those around me. And for me, I am not just “seeing celebrities”, I am living my DREAM. I was practically BORN wanting to live in LA. The entertainment thing is a separate dream altogether. I am living BOTH. So for me, I want to be able to share that with people. I am, at my core, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. So it’s easier for me to stay hopeful because who cares if I can’t throw money around? I’ve gotten able to walk around by MYSELF on almost every single major studio lot in Hollywood. Not on a tour. Not with a guard. By myself. I was in hog fng heaven the other day because I got to go to Domestic TV Distribution of a major network. WHAT?! This is my life?! But at this moment in time, I need a little more support from certain people. And honestly, it IS all about my actions. Only I can choose to be offended or not. And only I can choose to keep someone in my life or not. But I don’t WANT to lose anyone. I don’t WANT to get rid of people in my life. What I WANT is for those people to actually be the friends they profess they already are. And I know that posting a public blog is NOT the most discrete thing to do. But no matter how I handle this shit, it’s always wrong, so why not handle it how I want? What’s more is that I have been using this blog to show my friends and family what we are doing out here. And I haven’t been actively trying to hide any of the negative. I just haven’t been letting it get me down. I’ve been actively letting it roll off my shoulders. And I realized recently that that’s not only not fair to me, but not fair to the people around me. How the hell can anyone know what is going on with me if I’m only telling them about double rainbows and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I just realized that if I want to truly show what it is that we are doing, it has to be warts and all. I don’t want to make this into a rant blog because that’s not me. I just really needed to slam a door or something and this is the way it came out of me hahaha.

  2. i love you coleen. and even with everything as serious as you wrote here, you still gave me a giggle with that devil image.

    i’ve said it to you and to kristyn a thousand times. but i’ll say it again. i am so proud of you guys for going after your dreams and taking the hardships with the good times and still persevering. your courage and strength is something most people are and should be envious of.

    i think of you two everyday. and everyday i keep my fingers crossed for you. i’m always here for you.

    • Haha I love you too Tiffany! And I know you do. I’m sorry for the heavy hatefulness of the post, we are just SO GODDAMN FRUSTRATED lately haha. We just need SOMETHING. Some lightness. Something to go right. A good day. To put all of our eggs in one basket and not have that egg break. Like the job hunt out here is just a total mindfuck sometimes. Whenever a job calls me for an interview, we get our hopes up (despite knowing we shouldn’t). We iron a dress for me. Make sure that dress has not even one stray cat hair on it (which is HARD). Re-arrange our entire day so that she can get to work and I can have the car. It’s ALWAYS last minute which kind of scrambles the whole week. Then the interview happens. And I’m generally pretty good in an interview and mostly non-nervous. And then there’s the afterwards. The retelling of what happened. The dissection of every little word, gesture and intention. The brainstorming of what it all means. Then we come to a decision about whether or not it truly went well. Then there is always some amorphous date in the future that I should hear back by. And even if we deem that it didn’t go as well as we would have liked, we STILL get our hopes up that the phone will ring. I inevitably send a very professional thank you note. I inevitably do not get a response. My follow-up call goes unanswered. They are always “on a call”, “away from their desk”, “out of the office” or “in a meeting”. Some uninterested assistant tells me they will call me back and I roll my eyes knowing that will NOT happen. But STILL STIIIIIILL we get our hopes up again. So it’s just kind of vicious and takes a LOT of blind hope to withstand. “Okay, this one didn’t work out but the next one DEFINITELY will.” And my inability to get a decent job directly affects so many things. Our landlord for one. Whether or not we get creditors harrassing us for another. Our families. Our friends. Our attitudes. It’s just too much sometimes. And we came prepared. We knew that this could be a possibility but sometimes the burden is too heavy. And I’m not complaining, I’m still happy, even through all of that. It’s just sometimes I can’t be Suzie Sunshine and I need to SCREAM. Haha.

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