What’s Going On

We have really, really given it our all here in LA. We have given up so much to follow this dream that there’s not much else left for us to give up. I just got word that I didn’t get a job that would have been our brightest hope. I’m not saying that all is necessarily lost but things are looking mighty bleak at this current moment.

We are both optimists, me moreso than Kristyn. We’ve been struggling like whoa but not complaining about it because we chose this path. We don’t want anyone’s help. We don’t want anyone’s sympathy. We just have been trying to maintain a single-minded mindset of total success. “This thing has to work.” There is only so long you can accept circumstances as “setbacks” rather than “horrible situations”. We are at the point where we don’t have any more room left for optimism. It’s time to look at the cold hard facts and make some tough decisions.

We have a million reasons to move back to NJ. We have a million reasons not to move back to NJ. For one, life in LA is just a higher quality of life, even if you are dirt poor. The weather is nice. The sun is always shining which gives you energy and motivation as well as elevates your mood. Because there isn’t any rain, you can leave stuff outside and not worry about it being totally ruined in a flash storm in the middle of the night. My allergies are basically nonexistent here probably because nothing ever dies truly so there’s no reason to fully repollinate. People are nicer which goes a long way with sensitive people like us. If it’s hot, it’s only when the sun is out unlike in NJ where if it’s 90 at noon, it’s 90 at midnight still. Also, most importantly the largess of the entertainment industry is here which is where our hearts lie.

BUT I am here to say that although wild optimism can take you further than you would have gone otherwise, it also can’t get you everything. I am a hard working person. I am a person who methodically turns every stone. I am a person who dots every “i” and crosses all the “t’s”. We have looked high and low for a good-paying job for me and have come up empty-handed. We get a lot of well-meaning but stressful suggestions from people all the time about avenues we already went down six months ago. And we get a lot of offhand comments about how “lucky” we are. There’s no luck to this at all. Our noses are firmly on the grindstone making our own circumstances and paying dearly through the nose for the privilege. So IDK.

I’m sure there are those who would love to call this whole thing a failure and you and I both know who you are. But regardless of what happens, this past year has been the time of my life. I had the rare privilege to follow my heart and my dreams, something that most people aren’t in the position to do. And being here has made us appreciate every little nuance of life. Little pockets of joy the would otherwise seem mundane are the only things that have kept our chins up through some terrifying times. I know that I can tend to be the “everything is fine!” girl and that is not a put-on. I am nothing if not endlessly naive, well-meaning, purpose-driven and optimistic. These qualities have made a lot of great things happen in my life, including and especially this adventure.

Not all is lost, not yet. We talked it over before and we might still have some tricks up our sleeves. Kristyn is at work and when she gets home, we’re going to put on our thinking caps and come up with some idears. At first we were quick to throw in the towel but have realized we might just have more resources than we thought we did. So IDK we will see.

Anyway I’m not writing this to worry anyone, to ask for help or to garner sympathy. I’m just expressing myself and how I feel right now: kind of defeated, kind of resigned, kind of newly optimistic about our upcoming plans and generally happy we did this/bummed that it didn’t necessarily work out the way we wanted it to.

Things can turn around but in the meantime, wish us luck!

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