Easter Earthquake and Richard Simmons

This past week was kind of a doozie. I just had so many things to do that I didn’t get much opportunity to chill out and rest. From last Monday to last Saturday, I got MAX five hours of sleep per night (more like four-ish). These are weird times for us because Kristyn doesn’t come home from work until about 1 or 2am. I stay up and wait for her OR go pick her up if I need the car for any reason. This means that I am up until 1 or 2am and then have to get up out of bed by 6 or 7am if I have to be somewhere early, which I did, every single day last week.

On top of that, last week was “Flea-gate”. Without going into all the gory details, the animals all got fleas. They don’t go outside but apparently fleas can come in. We open this side door all the time to let air in and because the cats like standing at it. There’s nothing to see but they like it so whatever. Our landlord’s daughter told us that there are fleas under the house because of something someone who had previously lived here had done. Good news. You know what sucks about fleas? You have to wash every damn thing in your house and bathe your cats a bunch of times. You know what else sucks? Having to spend a fortune in treatments for your animals and your home. It was a nightmare. It took us days to clean the house from top to bottom and run all over LA buying treatments. By Sunday, we’d cleaned/killed everything and I was ready to take a day to relax.

On Saturday, I’d gone to Target to return a shaver I’d bought (thinking we might have to make Monster go bald to rid him of fleas). Entering the elevator, I am pretty sure I ran straight into Josh Duhamel buying like six giant deck chairs. I also decided to buy us some Easter goodies so we can celebrate the holiday just like everyone else even though we’re far from home.

On Easter, we woke up at like noon and made breakfast. After that, I made Kristyn go on the Easter Egg Hunt I’d set up. Inside each egg was a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg and a picture I’d printed out that either one of us had taken recently. Kristyn fell down during this hunt. Apparently I’d made it “too exciting”.

Then, she went to the bathroom and I brought out the Easter Baskets that I’d put together. Our apartment is like 450 square feet. It’s small. Still, it took Kristyn about fifteen minutes to find the Easter Baskets that were sitting right on the kitchen table RIGHT NEXT TO ME, haha. I had to say, “Kristyn! Kristyn!!! KRISTYN!!!” to get her to look at me. She saw the baskets and we had some chocolate. We talked to our families on the horn too. Then Kristyn had to go to work and I was left alone.

I was exhaustedly chilling on the couch watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians” (don’t give me shit, my brain was on “dead”) when I suddenly felt like I was on a boat. The coach was shaking. But how can that be? I looked up at the windows and the blinds were shaking back and forth. I realized that this might be an earthquake. I’d never experienced one before. Kristyn is terrified of earthquakes and had recently given me a “safety preparedness” seminar. I laughed but her training kicked in at that moment. I ran for the bedroom door. It was so weird to run across a shaking floor. I stood in the doorway until it passed and then really couldn’t believe that had just happened. I looked at Elvira and she was staring at me with huge eyes. The blinds were still swinging back and forth. I checked Google immediately and nothing came up. I checked Twitter and people in LA were confirming that they felt it too. It was such a weird experience. I felt disoriented and confused. Someone on Twitter said it felt like vertigo which basically nails the sensation.

I immediately just sat down and kept on watching TV but then realized that that was kind of a scary thing to have happened. I called my Mom who had just been about to call me. She was watching CNN. They said it was a 6.9 earthquake in Mexico and then upgraded it to 7.2. It was apparently felt at only 1.0 in LA. I mean nothing fell off my walls but you could definitely feel it. I can’t imagine what 7.2 feels like. And apparently this was a “rolling” earthquake. Someone on CNN said it felt like there was a giant snake under their house. Apparently there are different kinds of earthquakes, one being “the up and down” one where the floor literally comes out from underneath you and then rises back up again. Oh great.

After I got off the horn with my parents, I started watching CNN and saw as earthquake after earthquake followed. I have to admit, it started really freaking me out. LA is built to withstand an earthquake for schizzle but you never know what could happen. I decided to round the animals up and put them in a cage together. Then I filled up water jugs with fresh water. Then I got dressed because homegirl was a mess. Then I sat for two hours and watched more “Keeping up with the Kardashians” as my animals stewed in captivity. I finally let them go when the earthquakes passed. Mind you, that was the only one we felt in LA.

So after all that excitement (and finding out that Kristyn was A-OK at work), I decided to take a nap. This nap turned into a SEVENTEEN HOUR sleepfest. I woke up briefly to welcome Kristyn back home and then I was off again. I have never slept for seventeen hours before in my life. I don’t really even like sleeping and don’t take naps. I’m sort of one of those “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” sort of people but in the past few years I’ve been trying to force myself to get at least six hours, seven optimally. But seventeen is unheard of. Kristyn said, “COLEEN THAT IS ALMOST AN ENTIRE DAY!!!” I guess I needed it because I’ve felt very refreshed since then. I feel like I went on vacation or something. Amazing!

Oh, ALSO…Me and Kristyn have this ongoing love affair with Richard Simmons. I don’t know how it started but at some point or another, we started getting Richard Simmons’ online monthly newsletter. And I’m not sure how this developed but we started forwarding it every month to our friend Dana (who used to be Kristyn’s boss and our Human Resources respresentative). Dana always goes on cruises. She’s always either coming back from one or counting down to one. We started urging her to go on the “Slimmons Cruise”, a cruise hosted by Richard Simmons. She declined the offer but continued to tolerate us sending her pictures of Richard and forwarding his newsletter to her work email address.

THEN, this past week, Dana started emailing us to tell us something was on it’s way to our house. The clues she gave were:

It has a social security number.
It’s alive.
It skateboards.

If that doesn’t spell out R-I-C-H-A-R-D-S-I-M-M-O-N-S, I don’t know what does. We opened the mail up last weekend and found this!:

It’s an entire collection of Richard Simmons workout DVD’s re-released for the 20th anniversary!!!! Pester someone long enough and they give in to your delusional desires!!! Thank you Dana for making two mentally disabled girls’ dreams come true!!!

On Monday, I did the first tape and I am here to tell you that it was NOT easy. I mean it was but I am hecka out of shape. I sweated to those oldies something fierce and I got a really good workout from it. Kristyn came home just as I was finishing and did the cool-down with me. Then we watched an interview with Richard and we cried along with him. It was beautiful.

It was a big damn week y’alls.

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