Why I love the Jersey Shore: Part One

We're beatin the beat down.

1) I am from NJ and living in California right now.  As much as I loathe these people when I’m home (I’m talking to you Hoboken), it’s warming my Northern NJ heart to see this kind of fuckockery on my television all the way in sunny SoCal.  Weirdly enough, it makes me feel like I’m home watching this shit go down every week.

2) It’s hysterical because these people are just being themselves.  They’ve done a ton of shows about the Jersey Shore and none of them ever really takes off.  So these people are not hamming for the cameras like the Real World people are, this is just how they are.  They shot this show in a month in Seaside Heights and probably had zero expectation that anyone would ever really see it.  UNICO and all of these companies are coming out against this show and it makes me laugh because these people are acting NO different than they’d be if they weren’t on tv right now.  I’ve met a million of these people and they are literally all like this.  The weird one-liners, the fat jokes, the blowouts, the fake tans, the fighting, the Italian food, the hitting on girls constantly, the clubbing.  It’s all there and it’s all in NJ/NY and it’s always been there.  Anyone from NJ who doesn’t think so is in their own little bubble, haha.

3) What’s amazing to me is that they call THEMSELVES Guidos and Guidettes.  I think that’s the most shocking thing about all of this because in NJ/NY, that IS an insult.  If you call someone a Guido or a Guidette, you are basically calling them a cheesy moron.  It’s funny to me that they’re like “taking back the night” (to quote Kristyn) because I was there when it was cool to be a Guido/Guidette in the late 80’s/early 90’s.  The teased hair, the acid washed jeans, z. cavaricci’s, the freestyle. 

Women looked basically like this.

Men looked basically like this.

 Basically what happened to Guidos and Guidettes were that they just became uncool like anything else does.  Everyone got over it and no one wanted to look like that anymore.  It’s not that they died out, heavens no, it’s just that Guidos and Guidettes went under deep cover.  They immersed themselves in Hip Hop or Metal Bands or whatever.  Same shit, different day.

At the end of the day, these kids are no more offensive than any other kid trying to be cool.  They’re just kids havin a good time at the Jersey Shore and they did it in front of cameras to our delight.  THANK you dudes.

4) Growing up, I spent every summer in Seaside Heights.  My parents worked with a couple who owned a beach house in the next town over from Seaside, Ortley Beach.  So it was absolutely what I looked forward to every single year.  I couldn’t wait to get on the beach, to go on the boardwalk, go on rides, play the games, zeppoles, sky ride, all of it.  There are a ton of people in NJ that shit on Seaside because that’s the “land of the Guidos” but I don’t give a shit about that.  We have a lot of boardwalks and beaches in NJ but Seaside is the biggest, closest one to Northern NJ and NY that has the most stuff to do.  There’s a reason why the Guidos and Guidettes flock there because we all do at one point or another.  It’s kind of not summer unless you step foot on that boardwalk at least once, at least in my book.

5) Even when my parents stopped taking us there, I started going myself.  I spent my senior prom weekend down there, which is the ritual for all the kids from my area.  I had one of the best weekends of my LIFE down there that weekend.  It was the first time I was on vacation away from my parents and in my favorite place (at the time)!  So awesome.

This clip of “The Jersey Shore” made me laugh SO hard.  A girl that I am interning with (that’s originally from Florida) said, “And WHY do they only ever eat cold cuts?”  It made me laugh so hard bc in NJ/NY, we LOVE us some cold cuts.  I think that before I became a vegetarian (and even after, HELLO American Cheese), most of my diet comprised of deli meats, cheeses and rolls.  We’re crazy yous guys.

Here are some of my own Jersey Shore stories.  I’m going to put them into two posts bc there’s a lot of pictures to behold, haha.

So first we start out with some family pictures. Like I said, we went down there for at least a week or two weeks minimum per summer. In the winter, when times were rough and a bitch was suffering from too much homework, all I had to do was imagine playing a driving game on the boardwalk to cheer myself up. It doesn’t take much to amuse me.

Me stepping on my brother's head in the sand

Christine is making a tunnel to China

Aunt Heather and Christine (Aunt Heather's obviously let us get at her hair)

Uncle Ken, Christine, My Dad, Me, Aunt Heather all watching my Aunt Theresa bungie jump

Aunt Theresa post-jump. If I'm not stupid, she and my Uncle Ken got engaged that day, or at least that weekend.

Me, Mom, Christine in Point Pleasant

Senior Prom weekend, about 30 of us put our heads together (and hosted elaborate meetings) to plan a trip down to Seaside. At my high school it’s part of the experience to go down there for Senior Prom weekend and you can bet your bippy we took that shit seriously.

We rented a limo to take us to the prom and paid it a little extra to drive us down there too.

A LOT of things happened that weekend and I will not name names to protect the (not at all) innocent. Here are a sampling of the bullcocky we did:

* Drank ourselves into oblivion daily.
* Two of us got drunk, went to an Army Navy store, tried on clothes for the proprietor and then walked around for hours not knowing how to get home again.
* One of us ordered Chinese food and the second that person turned thier back for a hot minute, two of us ate all of the rest of it with little to no remorse.
* One of us insisted on having a specific shampoo and a faction of people stole said shampoo and hid it for the entire weekend.
* Two of us met some random dudes outside the apartment.
* Random dudes invited us all to a party.
* Two of us went door to door and forced everyone to go to the party and then forgot to go ourselves.
* While knocking on the doors, one of us opened up the door to a darkened room.
* That person stepped on the chest of someone sleeping on the floor.
* That person fell hard on the sleeping person’s face.
* That person spilled their drink all over this (previously) sleeping person.
* That person then asked the sleeping person if they wanted to go to the party.
* The sleeping person roundly declined the offer and said something to the effect of, “Get the fuck out of this room.”
* That party has since and will forever be named “The Rape House”.
* It’s called “The Rape House” because the inviters of said party had nothing but roofies on their minds.
* It is my understanding that nothing ill-advised actually went down but that someone had to break a window to get out. Whatever.
* Someone scaled the side of the building to get up to the second floor rather than taking the stairs.
* Someone jumped in the pool with everyone watching and came up completely topless.
* Two people had nonstop lovin times while everyone else waited for them to stop.
* Someone gave someone else a shot filled with urine and told them it was something else.
* That person got revenge by urinating in the other person’s bed.
* Someone knocked a sink off the wall and it absolutely FLOODED the room.
* A couple broke up.
* The one who was dumped, stayed and spent the rest of the weekend hiding underneath a a pullout couch.
* The dumper moved right on and hooked up with somewhere else.
* Two couples had a sexytimes contest.
* Three people got sick and tired of everyone’s shenannigigans and left for a day or to to take a vacation from their vacation.
* Two people made out on the beach and trailed sand all over every room we rented.
* Those two people dated for two years following that weekend.
* Another person came out stark naked from their room in front of everyone and smoked a ciggarette.
* And probably a lot more fuckery happened that has been forever wiped from my mind. But here are some pictures. We look innocent, don’t we?

A bunch of us at breakfast the morning after the prom, Maria, TJ, Me, Anthony

Christian, Beth, Willy, Lauren, Lisa, Me, Rosa

Me and Lauren get sexy.

Me and Nick, my high school bf. We were broken up at the time but I still had to give a bitch a piggy back.

During this time, we had a lot of parties at Nick’s house. Nick happened to be into grappling and wrestling. Somehow or another, a “Wrestling League” formed called the BYF or Back Yard Fighting. It was pretty elaborate. These things were filmed. There were costumes, there were matches set up, there were huge free-for-all bouts where everyone fought until only one person was left standing. I was a card girl and wore someone’s bondage pants. It was hilarious.

SO, Nick and Pat choreographed a fight specifially to debut at the Shore. Matt was made the referee. We all trucked it down to the beach to watch the shit hit the fan. Good times were had by all.

Slam, Dan, Christian, Erica, Me, Val, Marcus.

Me, Christian, Nelson, Lisa

Slam, Erica, Dan, John, Nick

Nick is the headlock-ER and Pat is the headlock-EE, Matt is the ref

Looks like Nick has the upper hand...

But oh snap! Pat gets Nick into a...compromising position!

They take off running and I can only assume this is a victory lap?

The below picture was taken when it was time to leave. Since we’d taken the limo, we didn’t have a ride home. Amanda’s parents generously offered to pick us up in their van. It was freezing and rainy so we were all huddling against a wall trying to stay warm.

Teej, Me, T and Slam. It's hard for me to call people by their Christian names.

We also rented a room for Christine’s Junior Prom or Senior Prom, I’m not sure which. There was drama because we’d rented a room that slept ten people and I’d talked on the phone with the proprietress like 70 times that week confirming and re-confirming the reservation because SHE kept calling ME. She knew we were a buncha kids too. We got there early on the day we were supposed to check in and for no damn reason, she gave our room away. After an argument, we found another place and had a great time.

I got pissed though because someone took my Avon body powder and sprinkled it all over the place. Respect the powder fools. You can’t get that shit just anywhere.

T, Christian, Anthony, Cheryl, Randy, Christine

Me and Christine

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s