For the last time, I am NOT Kristyn’s Mom/Gutteral sounds you should NOT make in public

WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis, originally uploaded by buberella.

So it has come to pass that yet another person has jumped to the conclusion that I am Kristyn’s mother. Just this morning, Kristyn and I took the PATH train to work together (Kristyn’s last day at Girlieaction, yay for Kristyn!). We were sitting on the train and oh I have to sidetrack for a minute, this is too good:

We’re sitting on the train and I have a cup of Quick Check coffee in my pudgy little paw. We’re chatting and I’m giggling as per usual and I must’ve taken the hugest gulp of coffee bc suddenly (in the dead silent train car), I started making the most vile sounds that you’ve ever heard. It was the most dramatic case of “going down the wrong pipe” that I’VE personally ever experienced and/or witnessed to date. In my head, I was certain that I was going to vomit up all of the coffee in a splat either right onto the floor or directly into my purse. Not wanting to soil my own personal affects, I did have the wherewithal to attempt to vomit onto the floor BUT first there was a long series of gargling, choking, dying gutteral ungainly sounds that emitted from my windpipe as it tried (somewhat successfully) to eject the fluid from itself before it made its way down into my lungs. Seriously, the sounds I was making were so awful that as I was dying, I (who never gets embarrassed) was totally humiliated as I’m 100% POSITIVE that I grossed out everyone around me. It was so bad that when it was through (and I had surprisingly only spit up a tiny tiny bit of coffee onto my hand) that Kristyn’s first words were, “I thought you were going to die. That was really disgusting.” Not, “Are you okay? That must have been tough on you.” Like she was so appalled by the sounds I was making that it was all she could do but express those feelings BEFORE concern and I don’t blame her one iota. Even as I sit there dying, even I was marvelling at the social pariah I was evolving into on that train precisely due to the sounds coming from my person. I mean I can’t personally imagine a worse death than what I escaped today. Sitting on the stupid PATH train, drinking cheap coffee from Quick Check…on my way to WORK…on a Friday (so close to the weekend!). Anyway, I survived to tell the tale and recovered rather quickly though out of the corner of mine eye I could see people shuddering and avoiding my piggy little gaze. I proceded to immediately take another sip and Kristyn goes, “Gettin right back on the saddle, are ya?” (I am laughing so hard right now, I’m not even making sound.)

Soooo THAT was a super-long aside, are you still here with me, bc there’s more. So anyway, after that fiasco, we’re sitting on the train talking about various things. I tried to screw Kristyn over into holding my cup after I finished the coffee bc she’d wanted to spit her gum into it. I couldn’t go through with the screwing over so I put it in my purse to which Kristyn responded in a NJ-ite accent, “Oh that worked out well”. There’s the lady that we used to work with that is just the quintessential NJ-ite mother. She has like four kids and is forever throwing birthday parties for them and this is a fact that she talks about almost constantly…”So we decided to have the party outside…we did pink balloons and paper tablecloths, easy ya know? We did burgers and hot dogs and the kids had a good time. It worked out well.” Every story ends with “and it worked out well”…which is a good thing and we love this woman but we cannot help but impersonate her constantly. So Kristyn goes, “Oh that worked out well” and I started ruminating over how I missed that woman and how her skin, hair and eyes are all the exact same sand color and Kristyn goes, “Yes, she IS blurry to look at”…and the black man next to us must have thought that we were either out our damn minds or thought us racists…either way…So I get off the train immediately after saying that (bc it was my stop and she had to keep going). I’m standing on the platform waving like an asshole while she fools around with her ipod. Like a mother on her child’s first day of school, I’m standing there with a grin on my face waving frantically to a person who is not paying attention in the slightest. The man nudges Kristyn and points at me…She waves and goes back to what she’s doing. The train takes off and I still stand there waving…Kristyn’s busy so the man waves at me instead. Turns out that right after that moment, he says to Kristyn, “That your mother?”

Now, I know that you’re probably like “Alright get to the point” but let’s face it, we’re both at work trying to avoid work, so just enjoy the ride. This is not the first time that this has happened to us. In the interest of allowing you to do other things with your life than read my blog, I’ll (try) to make these examples concise.

1) Every and any time we go to buy liquor (or even cigarettes, bc Kristyn is a filthy-“non-smoker”), we BOTH get ID’d if I’m paying. There has not been a liquor store yet who does not automatically assume that I am buying shit for a minor…and even when they do peep her license, they proceed to either give us a look of shock OR give me a look that says, “I’m onto you asshole”.

2) Last year, Kristyn had a minor surgery done (boob job) and so I took off of work and took her to the hospital. She was in surgery and recovery for a couple of hours and so I fooled around and yelled at Judge Judy with the rest of the fools waiting for someone in the waiting room. Eventually the nurse said she was in a room and I could go and see her. They never questioned our relationship and I didn’t think anything of it bc we’re girls and well, girls get away with everything. So I go in there and she’s all out of it moaning shit like, “I’m sooooo HOOOOOOT!!!” “SICK, SICK, SICK, going to throw up!” etc, etc, etc. So a nurse eventually comes in and goes, “Once she is ready you can take your daughter home.” I blanched for a second but then realizing that my admittance into the hospital room predicated on the falsity that I am her mother, I went with it. This was obviously a blow to my ego but I took it in stride and she got home without incident.

3) I can’t think of any other examples other than today but I know they’ve happened.

So what we’re thinking is that we need to align our ages in appearance more. I guess I’m going to have to drop a few and she’s going to have to start dressing less like Tegan and Sara and more “business casual” or something, hahahaha…Either way, it’s only 12:27 and all of this has already happened. It’s been a weird day.

Also, one last thing and I promise I’ll stop. Today is Kristyn’s last day at Girlieaction and she’s on the fence happy about it. Like she’s happy to have her Fridays off but she’s sad to leave those people behind…either way, let’s congratulate her for her accomplishment and her youthful good looks! BRAVA!

2 thoughts on “For the last time, I am NOT Kristyn’s Mom/Gutteral sounds you should NOT make in public

  1. i am convulsing with laughter reading that all!!!! and i’m glad you didn’t die. that in fact, did work out well.

    and i thank you for the change to blue, so not only would i convulse from laughing but from the blinding lime your blog was once.

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