My god you guys. I feel hope for the first time in four years. We’ve all been through so goddamn much. I am beginning to feel excitement for the future again instead of dread. Leaning all the way into it. <3
Okay you guys. It is 11:05pm EST on Election Day 2020. I am 1.25 drinks in so just roll with me. Right at this second, Biden has 192 electoral votes and that man has 108 electoral votes. The Senate is 42/42. The swing states are saying that they definitely won’t have ballots counted before Wednesday. Imma just be grateful they’re saying “Wednesday” and not “December”.
We voted Sunday by dropping our ballots in the voting box in front of the Town Hall in our town. Clearly, we voted Biden/Harris. I’m CHOOSING to be positive. You guys, my brain has been in a total fog for about three weeks and I wasn’t sure if that was because of ADHD, the medication to treat that, anxiety, or “who knows what”? The last two days, though, I’ve felt kind of hopeful and have been doing things one thing at a time which is PROGRESS. I think, perhaps, that my brain fog has been a reaction to underlying anxiety about this election that sort of lifted yesterday and today because we were finally “here”.
I dyed my hair purple today. Cannot commit to saying that it looks great on any level but I did it. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while and, frankly, I used my chaotic mindset to put some wind in my sails to get this shit done, LOL. I said to Kristyn, “I’m bleaching my hair and dying it purple.” She said, “Wait………….ok.” She just needed to catch up for a sec. I guess she wanted to make sure I wasn’t behaving in a rash manner and then saw that I was lucid and “making a decision”.
We’re currently watching MSNBC and our friends Rachel and Steve Kornacki are telling us what’s going on. Oh God, the Senate is 43/43 now. Apparently the Dems took the House again. God, if we take the Presidency, the Senate, AND the House? SIGH. I can’t allow myself to be this insanely hopeful. Alright, I’m live blogging here and whatever. Time to go relax. I think I’m going to suggest that we put on something funny and gentle while feverishly checking Twitter instead of continuing to watch this. BYE.
First of all, LOL at my post on January 20, 2020. I know I just posted something that I’d written and never posted in May but what is making me LOL is what I thought was pressing then. Jesus fng Christ. We’re now in October 2020 and Imma write down some of the real actual factual things that have happened in the world or to me this year. It’s not like anyone reading this doesn’t know these things but later one when I go back, I want to blow my own fng mind. Ready? Set? Go:
1) The Mueller Investigation wrapped up and determined that there was “prob” crimes committed but not to the degree where we can really “do something” or rather, to the degree that Mueller will do anything. So…nothing happened.
2) We impeached the President and then nothing happened.
3) We got concrete evidence that UFOs exist and then nothing happened.
4) I got into a WHOLE big fuckery at work but ended up getting promoted twice and increasing my salary by 60%. Seriously.
5) We bought another trailer from our next door neighbor at the campground and then quickly resold it to my sister, her husband, and kids. Now they’re our next door neighbors!
6) Oh, a global pandemic started. We’ve been in quarantine to varying degrees since March sooooo seven months?
7) The pandemic got politicized and now for some reason Republicans and men have decided that the pandemic is for sissies, that rugged individualism will thwart a disease we don’t understand, and 200K+ people have died (in the US alone – that we know of) because of that stupid dumbfuck assholery.
8) We got another dog, LOL. Her name is Lulu and she’s a Chihuahua/Terrier mix. She and Shirley are in love. Also? They have bonded through bullying other dogs. We’re werking to try to break that.
9) Kristyn got top surgery and is looking and feeling great!
10) I lost 85 lbs.
11) I started Grad School; MA in Media Studies at The New School.
12) Shirley got knee surgery and is currently convalescing.
13) I quit leading my company’s LGBTQIA+ group and am pretty lost about now.
14) I got diagnosed with ADHD and have been trying different medications to help. Haven’t found a perfect solution yet but happy to have gotten the diagnosis so I can try to better understand myself.
15) We’re working on getting our financial house in order. It’s a slog but I’m kind of having fun with it weirdly.
16) Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. John Lewis died.
17) Errybody in Trump’s orbit is getting arrested and sent to prison. Cannae even keep up with that anymore. Just want to see him out of office.
18) Speaking of that, a lot of the country is doing mail-in ballots and/or early voting and naturally because of that, the Trump administration is doing everything they can to block us from voting by messing with the USPS. Insane.
19) We found out that there is life on Mars and nothing happened.
20) I bought an accoustic guitar for some reason and nothing happened aka did not even TRY to learn to use it.
21) I got really into makeup and drag.
22) We got SUPER into Crocs. Like problematically so. Story for another day.
23) Amy Coney Barrett was rushed onto the Supreme Court which makes it a conservative majority 6-3 and she’s likely to go after both abortion and LGBTQIA+ rights.
24) We’re currently working on something BIG which I don’t want to talk about right now but is a light.
25) Also, we got a new deck and shed for our trailer FINALLY. Thank gawd.
AND SO the reason why I am calling this post “Creative Block” is that hot damn are my brains scrambled. I am, for some reason, unable to do shit. I have been kind of just letting things pile up and am completely spazzing out. I know for a fact that everyone in the world really is right now. I just have to remember to take things one minute at a time and try not to let myself get overwhelmed. Election day is this coming Tuesday and I just finally filled out my ballot. We HAVE to vote those devils out of office. I am so looking forward to voting in Biden and Harris so we can have sensible, rational, adults that we do not have to be terrified of in office again.
Soooooooo anyone reading this knows that we have had a global pandemic going on for six weeks? Hard to say. I haven’t been posting here because there’s just too much going on and it’s felt hard to narrow it down. It’s more than a leetle bit overwhelming. Imma try.
So, in January, I went back to work and it was…exhausting. Also, I had “bronchitis” which I now think maaaaaaybe it was COVID. I had gotten a diagnosis of bronchitis but it didn’t feel like bronchitis and even though I went back to work, it took me down for a few weeks. Hard to say if that’s true or not.
Then we had Kristyn’s 4oth birthday. We kept it simple, stupid, because Kristyn was studying for her Doctoral Exams. We had balloons and flowers and ice cream cake which was fun.
Since then, life has been a reeeeeeeeeaaaaal blur. I had wanted to post some photos of things we’ve done between now and then but for some reason I haven’t been able to so I’ll give that up for now.
*NOTE* this is a post I started writing in May 2020 but didn’t finish. I’m posting it now in October 2020 even though it’s unfinished because why TF not?
Clearly, I mean that it’s so cold weather-wise BECAUSE IT IS but also, I feel like that’s a fitting thing to say on this particular Martin Luther King, Jr. Day with all of the fuckery going on in the world. Someone on Twitter reminded us ALL that next year, on this very day, we will be swearing in a President AND IT HAD BETTER NOT BE THAT MAN.
The NYT endorsed both Warren and Klobuchar today with the reasoning that Warren represents the Progressives and Klobuchar the Centrist Dems. I’m a full on Warren fan and I love Klobuchar’s attitude. I’m not even going to talk about the fact that she’s been tough on her staff. If she weren’t a woman, this wouldn’t be an issue. The Bernie stans have been out in full force both saying that they don’t care about the “losing NYT” (where have we heard that before?) and also basically expressing fury that their leader has not already been crowned king.
Look, I don’t take issue with anyone preferring Sanders over Warren or Yang over Buttigieg or WHATEVER. What bothers me is the cultish ‘tude that Bernie stans (and bros) have had for 5-6 years now. Talk about “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn’t lose any voters.” Anything Sanders says is not only “fine” but somehow “morally righteous” and therefore that “moral righteous” “indignation” somehow extends to his “followers”. THAT spooks me out because he’s essentially a left wing cult leader and after these four years, I’m not thrilled to install another cult leader whether he’s on the left or not.
WHATEVER, bottom line is that the shit that’s going on in our country is WILD and we need to defeat THAT MAN aka 45. I’ll “hold my nose and vote for Sanders” (as the bros love to say) if he’s the nominee but I won’t be thrilled about it. With regards to MLK Day, I think that any of the Democratic candidates will stand up for social justice which is the main thing I want to see in a candidate.
The other thing is that there is a pro-gun/white supremacy rally going on in Virginia today. What the ever loving fuck? And you know they’re doing this on purpose to stoke anger and fear. They’re armed with their faces covered and wearing combat vests and helmets. Fucking assholes.
Today I’ve been restless. After looking at the news, I tried to lay down and read but couldn’t focus for long enough to actually READ. Next, I gave up and tried to nap but was too restless for that also. I tried to order lunch and it got cancelled. I re-ordered lunch from somewhere else and hopefully it’ll get here soon because I’m starving but also nervous that what I ordered is going to make me sick so that’s fun.
Tomorrow, the Impeachment hearings start and 45’s team of crackpot lawyers have sent a 100+ page document refuting the legitimacy of the impeachment on the grounds that “Abuse of Power isn’t a crime”. Literally, that’s the best they’ve got. And…with that, I’ve realized that I didn’t take my medicine for anxiety and depression yet today LOL. (I can feel it spiking; jeezy chreezy.)
Getting back to how cold it is…I mainly focused on the “cold world” we’re living in above but, truly, it’s a “cold world” in actual fact today. Alexa says “Currently, it’s 33 degrees Fahrenheit with clear skies and sun. Today’s forecast calls for more of the same with a high of 33 degrees and a low of 18 degrees.” That, my friends, is January fuckery. The indoor temp says it’s 67 degrees but we had to put the heat up to 90 to accomplish that. I had to put sweatshirts on all the pets again and they’re still cold. Honestly, I think that the coldness is our foolishness because we really need to make sure that all the windas are closed tightly at the top (because they tend to slide down) and, really, we need to cover the air conditioner. The issue is that I use the fan on the AC often so that’s kind of a nonstarter. Ugh. WELL, if I were to re-install the blades to the ceiling fan that those jokers took down months ago, I prob wouldn’t need to use the AC’s fan.
Guys, I’m descending into babble and my to do list now. Instead of chattering to you, I’m gonna go do this stuff. Next, I’m going to eat lunch. Finally, I’m going to take a GD shower and warm myself up. (Yes, I’m still in my jams at 3:59pm on a Monday. It’s a day off and I wanted to relax!)
P.S. It’s SOMEBODY’S 40th birthday this week!!!
Oh thank fucking God you guys. I have been enjoying blogging again but at some point in the recent past, I let WordPress lead me down a dark alleyway to a seedy gin joint called “block editor”. WHY, I DO NOT KNOW. I am an “early adopter” (short for galloping optimistic looliebird) and I like to try new things. “Ok, you say it’s new and improved? Go ahead, sign me up.” ‘Twas a fool’s errand. For months, I’ve been annoyed at this block editor because I feel like I don’t know where anything is nor how to publish anything. The thing I liked about the “classic editor” is that I felt like I had more control over my posts and to edit the HTML if I needed to. With the block editor, I eventually got the hang of it but it’s fuckery for people who want something as low effort as possible AND it takes a lot of ability to make manual changes out of your hands.
One thing that has been driving me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS is photo captions. For the past year or so the captions to my photos are the same exact font size as the rest of the blog post so it looks like a goddamn mess when you go to read it. I’ve been on and off investigating how to fix it to no avail. I finally found the solush today and that’s just that the stupid bollocky block editor isn’t compatible with my theme. So, I looked up premium themes that ARE compatible with block editing and there was ONE. There are more when you go to free but COME ON. Boo, why are you pushing errybody into block editor when you barely have any options that’ll work with it?
Okay, this is, probably by far, the nerdiest blog post I’ve ever made but take a whiff of that small caption. Smells good right? I’m in love with the font size of my captions. That’s because I changed to “classic editor” and suddenly my entire WordPress looks normal again. Thank ye Goddesses.
Okay, now I had better go clean this dump. I’ve really let it go to seed.
P.S. If you want to remove block editor, just start a new post and it’ll give you the option to move back to the classic editor. I searched fugging EVERYWHERE in WordPress before finding it here. Whew!
P.S. #2 For those who don’t care about WordPress, hopefully you got a lil’ thrill out of the babby photos.
No, what my issue really is is that, in some ways, I AM fine. My stitches (both internal and external) have healed excellently. I have lost 60+ pounds (~10 prior to surgery and ~50 post-surgery). I look and feel better than I have in a long time. The “feel better” part is that I can bend my body in ways I couldn’t at my heaviest weight. It also feels better to have shed that 60 pounds in a way that I can only explain by saying that you should imagine what it would feel like to carry a 60 pound backpack on your back for seven years and then finally get to take it off. Yeah, it feels fucking great.
So yes, I feel great. HOWEVER, I feel “great” in fits and starts. When I feel great, I feel GREAT and I’m capable of darting around, cleaning things, having LOLercopter conversations with people, chatting, going out and seeing friends and family, etc. BUT, there’s a price to pay for it and that price is settled by exhaustion. The exhaustion is not like I’m unconscious but more like I am tired, a little (aka VERY) foggy, and lethargic. I have no energy or motivation to get up and move, to shower and get dressed (although I always force myself to shower every day), or to talk to anyone. Both the physical and the mental/emotional take a toll on me. I’m an “ambivert” which means I have both introvert and extrovert qualities. I think that most people in my life would categorize me as “definitely an extrovert” but that’s because they know me and I feel comfortable being extroverted with them. In situations where I am not comfortable, I am not so confident or outgoing which are introverted qualities. Another introverted quality about me is that I need time to recharge after being around people. I get easily worn out in crowds, do not like public speaking (because it makes me nervous and also takes it out of me), and I also get an emotional hangover after being with people for too long. That said, I love to go to parties. I’m nervous before going and the introvert side of me always panics before hand and tries to get me not to go but once I get there, just try to get me to leave. It ain’t happening. But then, the day afterwards, I need to lay the fuck down for an entire day and be silent.
And so, I’ve been “stuck” in the house for months; mainly just resting and doing some light tidying up but that’s the extent of it. This week, I went into work twice and worked from home twice and then took one sick day. It was a nice way to re-acclimate. On Monday, I worked from home because I had no meetings and only really had to catch up on some inbox stuff. Tuesday, I went into the office and it was a lot of fun seeing people. Then I overspent my spoons and was sosososo drained on Wednesday so I worked from home. That was enough so that I felt great to go into the office on Thursday which was so much fun. Again, I chatted and LOL’d all day and worked with people and had a generally great time. But then Friday? EXHAUSTED. So exhausted that I just laid down and went to sleep.
I don’t know if I’ve said this on this blog or not but I told my Grandma on Christmas (on our way home from the party) that I feel guilty because I know I look and seem fine but I’m not. I told her that because I’m not visibly ill or, like, riddled with bulletholes (something you can see is CLEARLY WRONG), I feel like it’s “wrong” for me to say that things aren’t right. She knew how I felt because she’s felt like this before in her life.
In November, I thought that perhaps the two year anniversary of my brother’s death was adding to my physical/mental/emotional exhaustion and that’s probably true. With distance, I think it’s mainly that I was taking in so few calories AND this is a major surgery which just means it takes time to heal.
So, I worked four days this week; two from home and two from the office. I ended up taking a sick day today because I’m just worn out. It feels so good to be back to work but I just gotta take it slow to start what with my fatigue from the surgery plus the bronchitis. Both are getting better every day which is good. I’m coughing less and moving around more. It’s been nice to see everyone at work and to get back to a kind of normal. I walked into a meeting this week and people cheered for me which was so nice. I had lunch with a pal and LOL’d with people I haven’t seen in a long time. I also got some werq done getting myself back up to speed. We have off on Monday for MLK day so that’s a nice way to ease back into things. I feel bad about taking a sick day today but I just couldn’t get out of bed today. I didn’t do anything physically demanding whatsoever yesterday but I WAS there until 9pm finishing up my end of year review and I DID talk to a lot of people yesterday. I think I just overspent my spoons. I’ll be bright and shiny on Tuesday. I’m lucky to work in a company that offers me things like medical leave and sick time to get through this. Although it’s taken me longer to heal than expected, I’m glad for this experience and how much better I feel post-surgery. 10/10 would recommend.
Although I am run down a bit, I don’t really want to spend the day sitting in a chair (although it’s cold as a witch’s tit outside–and therefore in here–so it would be a reasonable thing to do). Maybe I’ll putter around and put some clothes away and then read a book or do a craft. I’ve been in the mood to make something lately and I’m trying to get through reading The Watchmen. I’ve been trying to read that for ages and can’t really get into it. I’m just not into super heroes and the art style doesn’t appeal to me although I loved From Hell and V for Vendetta which are also by Alan Moore. At a friend’s house recently, some people started talking about The Watchmen tv show, which I’ve heard is great and scored by Trent Reznor (who I love) BUT it’s a continuation of the book which I have trouble reading SO I’m a’forcin myself. My friend Dave said, “If you have to force yourself, maybe don’t do it?” But, honestly, my friends “forcing” is something I’ve always done to finish books. I love reading but sometimes you have to force your way through the beginning to get to the good part; same with binge watching TV shows.
Speaking of which, we just finished the Dick Van Dyke Show (which started out painfully on the original pilot starring Carl Reiner–who I also love–but improved immeasurably with Dick Van Dyke). But that show just got better and better and better. SO fucking hilarious. And now we just started The Bob Newhart Show which also started out painfully but is now getting better and weirder (and therefore funnier) about 5+ episodes in. All the best shows are like this: The Office (both UK and US versions), Parks and Rec, Maude, the Golden Girls, Schitt’s Creek, Last Man on Earth, The Good Place, Brooklyn 99, etc. For literally, ALL of those shows, I felt “meh” about at least the first episode, if not the first season (ahem: Parks and Rec) but then they got SO good. You gotta give people space to get their bearings before something can really take off. I LOVE sitcoms. They make me happy and are so comforting IF they’re done right.
Anyway, whatever. I’ve gotta go straighten up and maybe get back in bed to stay warm and rest. It’s 20 degrees outside and maybe 60 in here even though we have the heat up to 80; literally. I put sweatshirts on Shirley, Monster, and Elvira. Giles won’t let me put a sweater on him or rather, he will, but he removes it as soon as I turn my back so why bother? Shirley, Monster, and Elvira love a good sweater when it’s cold. Monster and Shirley love them no matter the temperature. Elvira doesn’t love it. She walks like an old lady with a sweater on but she’s happy to have it when it’s cold. The second it warms up though, she slinks out of it. Shirley and Monster will actually bite you if you try to take their sweater off. Once you put it on them, they’ll only let you remove it when they’re about to die of heatstroke. I have babby clothes horses for pets, what can I say? G’bye.
UPDATE: I ended up spending the entire day in bed reading for a long while and then sleeping for a few hours. I was so tired and also sosososososo cold. It was so cold in our house that, eventually, I had to put the heat up to 90 JUST to get it up to 70. We have turned it down to a reasonable amount now. Also, it was nice to spend the day sleepies. Partytime, excellent.
Okay sorry for the super closeup on my mug but this is a selfie I took to send to Kristyn when heading into werq yesterday. I don’t know if you remember, but we send each other a selfie when we get safely to work and this was mine. I worked from home on Monday and went into the office on Tuesday for the first time since November 22nd. So crazy.
I had a nice day and actually, my energy and focus seemed much improved! We’ll see how the focus goes because bitch has been REAL unfocused lately so it’s hard to say whether or not that’s gotten better. What I WILL say is that it felt great to be out of the damn house. I have essentially been in self-imposed exile for approximately three months while I healed. I’m glad I took this time because I was definitely NOT healed when I went back in early November. While I was getting ready for work yesterday, I had a moment of self-clarity where I checked in with my self to see how I felt. I was like “Okay, this is a vast improvement to how I felt the last time I took a crack at going back to work.” Good to know that I’m not going to forever be stuck in a “Low Energy Jeb”-type swirl. (P.S. “Low Energy Jeb” is (and will forever be) the only thing that Donald Trump has ever said that made me LOL. The LOL has nothing to do with 45 or Jeb but I like the idea of a person insulting someone else as being “low energy”. It’s a bizarrely specific crack and those are always the ones where, even if it’s directed at you, you’re like “Okay, good one.”)
I also got a new yoga mat yesterday and tried it out today. I’ve had my old one for a while now and it’s not in great shape anymore because the cats love to dig their claws into it and Shirley likes to zoomies on it. It’s the sun (masculine) and moon (feminine) and kind of also the mother, maiden, and crone. It’s also sacred geometry. Interesting and pretty.
Okay, I’m tired and babbling now but I also have to head out the door. Bye!
For all of these years, I’ve barely paid attention to YouTube. I mean, whatever, I’m not an idiot. I know it exists and I have watched videos on it from time to time but I’ve never been an avid YouTube watcher LIKE I AM NOW.
It started with UNHhhh. Kristyn and I watched every single episode of UNHhhh twice. Clearly.
Actually, FALSE, we started initially with Harry Potter ASMR rooms. Worthwhile use of time, friends.
Then we (mostly me) got deep into a Jeffree Star/Shane Dawson swirl and I watched Shane’s whole documentary on Jeffree and then yes, I bought the Conspiracy pallet. (If you do not know what I’m talking about, it’s probably for the best. *sigh*)
Then, because we were over-indexed in gay men, we took a break and watched the entirety of The Real L Word (which was a LOT to take in).
From there, it was back to YouTube to watch Tig Notaro interviews. Went through a bunch of those; focusing on all the Ellen interviews she did.
I THINK that’s how we got heavily into Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard interviews because they’ve been on Ellen A LOT. But then, of course, the Kristen Bell/Dax Shepard-a-thon went in lots of different directions because they are funny and they go on talk shows a helluva lot. Guys, this is STILL going on with no sign of a slow-down.
Then, because we got into watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia at night, we had to watch interviews with the cast on YouTube while we dine. We’re still only a few seasons in on this show so I can’t see the YouTube obsession dying down.
Then, somehow, I came upon “mental health YouTube”. Lots of fascinating areas to cover here.
The first channel I watched was Living Well with Schizophrenia. This gal just talks about what it’s like to live with this condition and how to live well with it. She talks about how her condition affects others and her husband does an interview. It’s pretty cool that she’s putting her knowledge and experience out into the world. Then I got into:
The Entropy System is a channel hosted by a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID. Wyn refers to herself as a “system”. Essentially she explains what it’s like to realize that prior trauma has formed different identities within you in order to shield your mind. Super interesting.
All of this has brought me to Katie Morton who is a licensed therapist in California who has a channel dedicated to all different facets of mental health. She has over 1200 videos and so many good ones like: “What is Gaslighting?” “Am I being manipulated?” “What is BPD?” “What does your therapist really think about you?” “What’s it like to be a therapist?” Just all kinds of interesting stuff about therapy and the human mind. I find it really fascinating and I’ve watched a bunch of videos that have actually helped me with regards to situations in my life and my own anxiety and depression. Highly recommend!
Anyway, if you’re thinking watching the above was a waste of time? Sure, I was wasting time but I was also LOLing and eating meals and taking vitamins and learning shit. So, pretty cool. Also? YouTube is not a platform that I’ve ever given much thought but it sure seems like lots of other people have! Guuuuuurl…everything’s going down on YouTube. A whole new world. Speaking of which, I’m going to stop fooling around on the compooter and go outside for a little while. I go back to work (again) tomorrow so I might as well get some sunbeams on my D-deficient flesh.